Inner Monologue

So, I never got a call back from Kerry about appointments. I really don't think I'd have the strength to start over with another, but at the moment I'm doing surprisingly well in keeping calm.

Robbie on the other hand actually crawled into bed the other day and said he missed when it was just us.

I guess he's been on edge. On edge enough to scream at one of the neighbors who was asking for money.

Is it bad that I love when he's feisty like this? Not on edge but just IDGAF? It's cute....

After visiting the hospital tonight I've realized a few things about the spot I'm at right now.

I'm in a position where I have been able to do the thing I love and be supported by someone I love. I may go nuts and bored and want a job every now and again, but in the end I'm very happy with being able to write like I love to.

So we're in C-Bus for the weekend, Robbie is leaving tomorrow to go further south for a few days, I meanwhile am staying in the city to visit with family and friends. When we return to Waterford we have the luxury of having the house all to ourselves. We did shopping before leaving, so I am extra interested in all the delicious things that I am going to cook.

Also, 10k into my NaNo project, Gale, and suddenly the story is deviating into much more passionate territory than I had originally planned. I guess I'll never be able to completely control my characters.

Also also, am I the only one who truly believes that FB needs to come down? I know ANON rumors are all over, but it would be nice to show the larger corporations and bigwigs that people in general can still twist the screws.

I have an interview with Charming Charlie tomorrow. I am extra excited, and so happy that a store I loved so much is coming to the area. Even moreso that I have finally gotten a call back from the sites and sites of applications I exhausted.

Tucker is incredibly sick, the steroid shot he was given the first time he went to the vet wore off and apparently weakened his immune system. He was veggy-like for a few days (poor thing) and has started to perk up after all the antibiotics we've been giving him. Persephone has been staying away from him and treating him like a leper.

I believe that Robbie has started to really miss the city. He's expressed that he's tired of the same routine, of course when I ask him what he would like to do when he comes home from work, he has no idea. Which to be honest, is because there is nothing.

I have been surviving with my writing, and have actually started a dA account for porn. No, it is in no way associated with my main account, so you'd be lucky if you ever find it.

Back to writing porn for now.

Kso, today Robbie's Dad had supposedly set up an appointment for their cat to see the vet. He lied. Then used the excuse that he didn't have the number despite it being just at the end of the street and therefore something he would pass every single day.

So I eventually cool off of this because we were supposed to go to olive garden for lunch, then to the cider mill.

We all get into the car and find that Robbie and I have been lured out of the house under false pretenses. Robbie's Dad wanted chinese so we were going for chinese instead, despite his mom constantly reminding him that Robbie and I had just had chinese the night before. Normally i wouldn't turn down chinese, but I really wasn't feeling it, especially after thinking about olive garden, I think Robbie was a bit more irked about it because, well, olive garden was his favorite and he was pretty psyched about it.

So they went to chinese and Robbie and I went and had a drink at the bar next door. Rum and coke, nothing special, and the chick at the bar was nice enough to give me a couple of job leads which i will def be looking into.

After that his parents apparently had to pick up a book, the problem is that there are no bookstores in waterford or any of its surrounding towns. I shit you not. They tanked with the economy and apparently "book learning" isn't something they're big enough on for major companies to bother with. I really wish I was kidding on this front, but I promise that it isn't just my cinicism.During the time that they were scouring the scooby-doo ghost town mall for a bookstore, Robbie had some pizza at the food court.

Which leads us to now, we ended up just heading home because Robbie isn't feeling well, and he says it isn't pain which is weird because he didn't take any pain meds this morning (the only reason why he opted for a drink), and the things he had to eat were the onion/cheese/ham rolls that I ate as well, and the pizza at the mall which I also ate. I'm thinking he caught something at work because I don't really know what else would make him feel so out of sorts. Except for being up with the sun, which I will admit, makes me feel really weak and strange after being nocturnal for weeks.

So, keeping an eye on him while I wait for my package. I had to order a few shirts and a coat from wet seal, the store just doesn't exist up here and the prices everywhere are gorged to hell. What's worse is that the long-sleeved shirts I have are getting holes in the elbows and when I thought about it I realized that I have had these since before I started dating Robbie.

C'est la vie.

I have been one lately. Most prominently with the whole issue of the kids. Seems like the calm I try so hard to keep is just getting shaken up.

Yesterday was a [very] belated birthday celebration-y thingy for Robbie, and we ended up going over to see the kids. I got to show Andrew how much progress I made in Minecraft (I got even farther after.) and got to say hi to Ryan before we left.

My parents and Samm come tomorrow. I can't cry in front of them, just can't do it. Of course when planning things to do for the day I couldn't help but freeze a little. There really isn't anything out here. Robbie and I have seriously gone out to Summerset Mall to play on the moving sidewalks before.

Idk, we'll just play it by ear.

Persephone is allergic to flea collars and waterless bath.... Her neck is healing from the reaction, I'm keeping her pretty pink collar off for a little so that she can heal up properly, but I'll probably put it back on her for tomorrow.

I'm coming to terms with the idea that Robbie's dad doesn't mean to be an ass, he's just too doped up to know better. Of course the surgery that could save his life he won't get, and my prediction of him being 100% wheelchair bound by next summer is looking like I should have bet money on it, and a large amount. At this point anything he says or does should be immediatly discarded. Still, it was weird for Robbie to say something in the car with a grimace and me justify it. Used to be the other way around.

I think I may waste the night watching remastered Utena.

Today is Robbie's 28th birthday.

Of course he's been bringing home roses and presents for me the past few days, so I'm convinced that he's confused on how all of this is supposed to work.

when we found out when the surgery is supposedly going to be he had me tell him exactly what his birthday plans were. I don't know that it was the best idea because I think he's only just now starting to feel the impact of his Grandmother's death. Of course I was going to take him on a picnic to her grave. Sounds weird I know, but it has some meaning for us.

He came home for lunch at 2 in the morning, just a few hours ago, completely upset and depressed. It either has to do with his grandma, him being harassed at work (ugh, don't even get me started), or he's actually missing the city life.

I will have to work extra hard to cheer him up today.

So between now and the last time I gave an actual update:

1. My friend Kat's computer crashed, she sent it to us and we fixed it. The only thing wrong was that she had somehow gotten a virus from big fish games and it FRIED her hard drive. So we got her a new one and then I loaded up her lappy with games, Sailor Moon, Labyrinth, and many other essentials.

2. Some days I feel discouraged with Artemis, at this point I KNOW that it's going to be impossible for me to jump back into it. I'm going to have to work on short stories and read over the whole story before I make another attempt at writing the last chapter. The good news, and I don't know if I put this up here yet, but I found a binder with the original Book 2! Meaning the only thing I am missing now IS the final chapter of Book 1, then I will be back to where I was before the move.

3. Got a very promising lead on a job, but I don't want to divulge the details too soon, I don't want to jinx it and have it fall through.

4. Working on the Ritzko Project, the goal at this point is to be able to send out signed copies of the first book as Christmas presents. Meaning more it has to be done by November so that I can start NaNoWriMo.

Full plate for the time being, but at least I'm feeling more validated.

The first week we were here was taken up mostly by the trip up to Oscoda, which I did take many nice nature-y pictures which I will have to upload onto FB or put in an LJ cut. The picture quality on my new phone is much nicer than the last I had (which I did expect), but what made my day was the fact that despite us forgetting the internet MiFi verizon adapter, I still had internet wherever I got a cell phone signal, so I was able to keep in touch with people through texts.

I got my fishing license, I caught a fish, I learned how to clean a fish, but we couldn't eat them because they had lots and lots of worms. I also shot of a few guns, and I decided that my aim is terrible and I need something with little to no kickback, or a LOT of aim practice.

The night before last we managed to get Ryan over here for the night because Robbie needed to stay up to get his schedule back on track for work. Robbie fell asleep several times, but Ryan and I stayed up the whole night playing games. I also got re-situated with a copy of the Sims 2, which will be a nice outlet for a while (I'll get to why in a few).

So Ryan is grounded, and after talking with him for a little I'm actually more surprised that he isn't more grounded. He has a lot of self control for having to deal with everything that is going on with him right now, I don't think his dad really sees it, but I'm not a parent and I have no right to say anything really, but I do think that if Rick and Teresa knew what was going on they would have a lot more to say to their other children.

So about the MiFi really quick. It has a limit on kB/sec. MEANING, I can't skype call, I can't torrent, and I can't LiveStream here. In order to do any of those I need to go to Rick and Teresa's (who have wonderful internet BTW) and I feel rather awkward to go there and pull out my lappy. But w/e. Robbie has talked to his dad about adding internet onto his coverage and paying the difference, the problem is that it's satellite and will probably be buggy, but it's something.

About yesterday, being unemployed has started to set in, and me, with my already quite obvious issue with being useful, started to feel like crap...to the point where I wore myself out crying and then cried myself to sleep. It doesn't help that any of the things that I used to do to get myself out of a rut were impossible to do. And I'm getting teary just now thinking about it. There's no tea salons, no Samm to run around with, no skyping, I am feeling trapped. And to top it off I'm dreaming again. But no dreams with Morpheus, that might have been a comfort, I get the strange cryptic kind.

Of course regardless of the fact that I spent the last year and a half taking care of crazy patients and families of people who were dying, I am apparently not considered experienced in customer service and retail, so any job I apply for I don't have much hope in getting. This of course hasn't stopped me from applying anywhere I can. I really did have my eyes set on the new Charming Charlie, but I doubt I'll get a call from them. I just have to wait for some kind of response.

Robbie did have a good first day at work, he got out on time regardless of them being understaffed by 3 people, and said that the labor was handled much differently than it was in C-Bus. His shift isn't forced to do the work of the other shifts, and if they are running short the management isn't worried about conditioning to give the illusion of the shelves being full, they just want the product up there. So Robbie came home laughing and we talked for a while and then I looked at the clock (which at the time read 730 or so) and I told him that the people in C-Bus were probably still hard at work.

I just want a job, something to occupy myself with. Sims 2 will get old quick. I think I may pull out my paints and canvas today. We're supposed to go meet with the owner of the small grocery store down the street today, hopefully that will bring some good news.

My last day at work is this Tuesday.

The power will shut off on Thursday.

I put Artemis on hiatus. I've been unable to write on it, I keep getting caught up on the fact that I lost so much of it, and I can't seem to get back into the writing groove. So I decided to make a sequel to Ritzko...rather three sequels. I re-named the first book The Final Comission of Bastian Freeman, and the whole series will be called the Ritzko Project. Each of the books will be in the same style as the first, but from another perspective. The second from Johnson's, the third from Gale, and the fourth from Jenna.

In the first sitting I was able to push out 13 pages, and it was strange, but after writing that I felt almost like I might be able to do some work on Artemis. So I opened up the document and although I was unable to write anything, its comforting that the feeling is coming back.

With that being said, Emily is back in town this week. I admittedly am using the move as an excuse to not see her because I still do associate her with anything bad that happens to Artemis after she vandalized the very first copy beyond repair. I've gone over my history with writing with Kory on Livestream and Skype several times, and its interesting how I'm noticing how fucked up it's been after I put everything out there. How somehow I manage to continue with something I like after Emily tears it all apart, and my Mother patronizes me at the dinner table...

The trouble with this is that I won't be able to spend much time with Samm before I leave.

It was the last night with some of the girls tonight. There are certainly a few I will miss, but there are a lot of them that I won't miss at all, and I don't expect to be missed by many in return...I don't really know a nice way to say it, but I almost feel indifferent. I'll miss connecting with patients.

Plans for a movie night with Tammi and the kids tonight, I've practically been living there for the past few weeks on my day off. The Haven is no longer the Haven, Robbie and I are on the move.

Ugh, I agreed to a dinner with my family at 6 tonight, hopefully it doesn't drag on too long tonight...and hopefully I don't get too sick from seeing Emily. I know it isn't her fault. I just never forgave her for that, and now I almost blame her for everything bad that happens to my writing...

I don't really know how to begin, so I'm just going to dive into it.

Everything has happened so fast, I just don't know how to react. Almost like I would rather go numb and let everything happen. everything just happens.

the funeral was lovely really. she was the first corpse I  saw that didn't look plastic. although i suppose its wrong of me to call her that. she found her blue outfit I suppose. the one i remember her looking for. with the small pink polka dots. the adema had gotten bad, she was rather puffy still.

on the way back from the funeral I agitated things, i told robbie i just couldn't move out of the city. i felt awful for saying it immediatly. with as many things that happened that day he really didn't need me to be wishy washy about the move.

i feel helpless.

we set things straight i suppose, the move is so far planned for july 27, but i have no problem in telling my job to bugger off before then if need be.

but the icing on the cake (or rather the cherry on top, as rob's grandmother's death was the icing), is that when we returned home there was no water. Not because the bill hadn't been paid, but because while we were gone someone broke into the other side of the double, turned off the water, and stole the copper piping.

my house isn't livable. and now i'm a nomad with my bag and my laptop, and a cat on a harness and leash that is living at my parent's house for the time being. that is until the dogs get to her like they tried to earlier.

and now i feel like i'm about to cry, but i just can't get to it. like too many things have happened and i really do just want to let go and curl into a ball and let robbie take care of me like he wanted to. but up north i'll be useless, with no job to help support us, and i still don't feel up to writing, what good am i?

i suppose it got around at work what happened. of course that is my fault, no one elses. I sat at the table and outright said that after the week i had, rob's grandmother's death was hopefully the end, and when they asked about the rest of the week i flat out told them. and they asked, and wondered, why hadn't i said anything before?

i saw a FB message when i logged on earlier today from someone wishing me well. that's all well and good, but i didn't tell anyone at work (save Cammy and Margo) what was going on when it was going on because I don't trust them. i spent the past year and a half putting myself out there and trying to make friends and became outright ostracized from everyone.

i tell myself constantly that i need to be more outgoing, that i need to pull myself out of my shell, but then i look back at all i've done and it frustrates me that I HAVE, I certainly have. But i just don't understand why. but i'm slightly glad all the same. i owe them nothing, no explanation, no thanks, no regrets. just pack up what little i have left and let robbie carry me away.

alright, i think i feel up to crying now.