Inner Monologue

She sighs, “Jenna, never emotionally invest yourself in a man, it always ends up messy.”
I snort, “I know.”
She looks at me incredulously.
I sigh, “I let Royce kiss me.”
Ritz moans, “Oh, Jenna! Not a druggie!”
“It was gross. Then I told him it was gross. Now I don’t think we’re on speaking terms.”
She pats me on the back and leans her head back down on my shoulder. “He’ll get over it, or maybe he was high and won’t remember.”
She has such high expectations of Royce….

I have such fun ideas about Gale and Ritz as parents. I think someday I might do little shorts...for personal pleasure. Those along with that WWII thing. I am a fan of Hellsing and what they did with Vampires/Zombies/and Nazis...and so tastefully too....

Something else I'm noticing: after writing two sequels to Bastian and working on the fourth the ending of Bastian is now incredibly tragic to me. I liked it better when it just made the reader angry at the characters, but this is actually really interesting how its filling out.

Also, looks like Jenna is going to be DOUBLE what the other books are at least. Eighth chapter and I'm already 20k words in...and Jenna isn't even on track to go where she needs to be for the book to be HALF over. I am enjoying the writing style, Bastian's cynicism with Gale's observation and vocabulary. Every description is chilling and wonderful.

Will probably find the most chilling thing to post in chapter eight before the night is out. I posted a little on Twitter and got a reply from an Arachnophobe friend that the effect was reached.

Ya know, I never thought I would like writing horror as much as I do.

Written two years ago, verbatim. This little snippet of dialogue was never changed and has been consistent, Jenna talking about Ms. Helen:

Jenna crossed her arms over her chest, “Because she has nothing better to do, she sucked her life out of her family and they all died.”

WTF.

I need to step away from the computer for a few minutes I think.

Robbie took me out and we got salads and went stargazing, then did a little cleaning and snuggled up to watch movies until dawn. It was nice to take a break from everything with him. I love how snuggly he is.

I posted a hiatus on dA today, I don't know if I'm going to be doing a lot of writing in the next few weeks, but I'm def not going to be putting any of it up. Right now, my writing has become one of the most stressful things in my life, and its because it isn't going anywhere. My biggest dream ever since I was little was to be published, but now that I'm so close, I just keep getting pushed back.

I hate thinking about the lack of progress that has been made, it makes me feel sick. So I'm taking a break from all of it for a couple weeks. Going to be concentrating on spending more time with Robbie. Probably not going to be on the lappy so much, but I'll try to make more entries on my journal. I seem to be slipping on that aspect, and it does help me get my thoughts out. So I need that bit.

I had a really disturbing dream that I went to a passover celebration and the lady said that I had to fast before the dinner so i could get the full effect, then Samm came over and pulled me up into what was I guess my room, then started breaking the heels off of all of my shoes and saying that they wouldn't be good for dancing? I was all sorts of wtf, my shoes! Then I woke up and they were all pretty in the closet.

Maybe I need more shoes.

Probably one of the most shallow things I've ever stated, but I feel less depressed feeling attractive.

So I'm at Tammi's apartment right now, she's at work and I'm working on Jenna (loving it too by the way, omg writing feels so good), I like the apartment even more now that I'm here. When I'm in Waterford I try to dress for the day despite staying in the house, but it's never anything that I would go out of the house in. Today and yesterday I was presentable, like I used to be, and I feel attractive, and it actually makes me feel a little better about myself. Not such a mess. The thing is just that I can't justify getting myself put together like this if I'm not going to see anyone I know, or going to be cooped up in the house all day, and getting posh'ed up when I am just doing that is all the more depressing.

Just need to move, that's what.

There is a hospital not far from the apartments, and I am seriously thinking of going for that. George has guarenteed me a job, but to be honest I am so tired of making so much less than I was at the hospital, I am willing to trade. Better hours, better pay, and more time to write, like last time. It would feel good to get my life back on track.

I saw Samm yesterday, and I was all sorts of proud of myself for not crying.

I called Mr. Black to talk to him yesterday when we were in the car on our way down here, I did start tearing up a bit while talking to him, I like how honest I can be with him, and I really like how he treats me like more of a daughter than my own parents do. I'd love to be a parent like him someday.

I shake my head quickly, I got un-interested in medicine really quick when I got a hold of Gale’s copy of Grey’s Anatomy and was able to translate one word he had scribbled in Romanian next to a heart diagram: zeamă, juice. More specifically, meat juice.


[2:36:30 PM] Kat Lavisk: ...
[2:36:33 PM] Kat Lavisk: LOL.
[2:36:38 PM] Kat Lavisk: oh... god.
[2:36:38 PM] Jessica Chambers: why would you look at a vampires copy of grey's anatomy?
[2:36:42 PM] Jessica Chambers: just ASKING for trouble
[2:36:47 PM] Jessica Chambers: why why why
[2:36:57 PM] Kat Lavisk: cause it's Jenna
[2:37:10 PM] Jessica Chambers: "oh awesome grey's anatomy, i love these pics"
[2:37:14 PM] Jessica Chambers: yup gale does too
[2:37:53 PM] Kat Lavisk: ...
[2:38:02 PM] Kat Lavisk: that sounds... uh.
[2:38:11 PM] Jessica Chambers: so wrong
[2:38:13 PM] Kat Lavisk: like grey's anatomy is a vampire's playboy.
[2:38:20 PM] Jessica Chambers: LOLOLOLOLOLOL
[2:38:48 PM] Jessica Chambers: dying atm

I don't think getting back to Artemis would hurt so much if the content didn't hit so close to home now. I remember writing the absolute devastation of the characters in those final moments and finding myself in tears because of how powerful the ending was. I don't think I'll be able to ever write an ending to rival it. I opened up the document, set on just barreling through, but I've only written about two hundred words, and none of it information vital to the story line. I guess I still need some time.

Yesterday was good, despite the ending. We were all woken in the early hours of the day to a woman pounding on the door screaming fire and instantly everyone is thinking, "holy shit the house is on fire." Matt had been sleeping on the floor and I guess he has rug burns from where he rolled onto his stomach and started doing the army crawl while half asleep (lol). It turns out the house next door was on fire, and so the guys got their shemogs soaked and used them as breathing masks while they banged one doors.

The house had too have been burning for hours, you could see fire in the basement and there was black smoke everywhere, luckily the 90 year old man who lived there is apparently in the hospital, he has dementia, diabetes, and a few other things I think, so he wouldn't have been able to get out of the house very quickly had he been in there.

The fire department took over ten minutes to get there, and they ended up having to come back 4 times throughout the day. Apparently the whole first floor is burned out. The whole house is boarded up now, they think the fire started in the basement. Of course we all have an idea of what happened, but no one knows the exact cause right now.

We had delicious pancakes for breakfast, and chai lattes, and watched movies and did a little running around. The day was prime until the end. We went to visit a friend of Matt and Robbie's who has pancreatitis and is getting a spleen removal on the 29th. I actually started to feel dizzy when Robbie started talking about last June, and by the time we got out of the house on the way to the car I couldn't focus my eyes on anything. I don't want to know how wrecked I looked, apparently it was enough for Robbie to understand what was going on when we were on our way out the door. We ended up coming home and leaving Matt in the living room while Robbie and I laid in bed for a while.

I told him everything, didn't hold back on anything that I was thinking.

I'm still a little teary. I hate this so much. I'm falling apart physically now. I've had to wear my wrist in a splint for the past week, only able to take it off long enough to do dishes and shower, I've had to sleep in it. My wrist started hurting at work the other night and it got to the point where I had to stop for a while, the splint was instant relief. I need to see a doctor about it. I don't want to depend on the splint, already when I take it off I can see the weaker and disheveled looking imprint of it on my arm...it reminds me of those holocaust pictures.

Its harder to sleep all night, I don't have an appatite, and the dreams keep waking me up. To top it off my parents are pestering me about coming to see me and I just don't want to see them. I still feel like they completely abandoned me when I needed them the most, because, well, they did.

I have an appointment at 11 with Kerry, we'll see how I feel after that.

Strangely enough, still one of the better V-Day's I've had.

I'm becoming increasingly annoyed with Microsoft Word's limited vocabulary. The program is amazing for the editing process and all that, but I've come across the issue more than just a couple times where a word isn't recognized at all, or worse, isn't recognized by the program and yet shows up in the dictionary that the program allows you to bring up on the side of the window (its a very useful tool).

In every case I end up adding it into the word bank and pressing on, and that was fine at first, but after working on Gale (and even now polishing it), I decided to take a look at all the words that I had to enter into the bank.

Here's naming off a few:

antecubital
calvous
omelette
plait
polyamourous
pursed
reticella
stola
suss
tethered
tourettes
trapezed
unkept
vivisepulture

...They look incredibly inappropriate when lumped together like that...but you get the basic idea.

I'm not even going to lie at this point, I'm not in school currently and so I do take advantage of the Dictionary(dot)com app's daily word on my phone to keep myself sharp, but most of these words were not picked up through that.

I sort of wish that Word would allow me to choose what site the built-in dictionary pulled from, as it needs an internet connection to access the dictionary and therefore I assume it is working off of the internet. Perhaps there is an option somewhere, I'll have to look into it.

More curious now, after seeing my own plethora of added words, what sort of words do my other friends end up having to add in?

<3

Robbie and I did Christmas shopping together today, he kept changing his mind on what he wanted so we just ended up going up to Somerset to browse.

Of course I don't think I've really posted anything substantial in a long time.

( This is like a bad movie. )
Long story short, okay Christmas, okay family times, happy times with Tammi and the kids.

For the month of December I'm supposed to be taking a break from writing. I feel a little empty about it with all things considered, I've gotten into the habit of just tapping away at a document whenever I can that I feel strange not working on anything.

So instead I'm looking over the two books that I pushed out over the past two months. I decided to start with Gale since I seem to be in the swing of things. Well its going okay enough...but the more I look at this book the more I realize I wrote something completely heart-wrenching.

The basic idea of the book is to show how the villain became what he is, and ORIGINALLY the idea was that the biggest cause was the relationships Gale had with Marley and Mary, and how somehow it became warped into something with Adam...now looking at it, I think it was really Ritz. How awful.

It had been raining, something that I had long since shrugged off. I could not catch any illness from the rain, it was merely the smallest of hindrances, but Renée came out of her small apartment with an umbrella as if I were about to fall over.

“Monsieur DeWinter, you will catch your death!” She rushed over to me with the umbrella, coughing on her own the entire way over to me in the downpour.

“If only.” I said slowly. She smiled at me, and I could not help but smile back, happy that she seemed to have either forgiven me or forgotten entirely about our conversation the night prior. Either way, I was glad that she was not cross with me. “I am melting,” I managed.

“I can see that.” She took my arm and began to pull me towards her door.

“Not in the physical sense.”

It's sweet, adorable, Gale's been shut off from most everything up until this point in his life and now he's slowly experiencing emotions and is wonderfully unaware of how to show them or relay them to others. So Ritz saves him, right? Gives him a new lease on life, right?

I'm bordering more now on the idea that Ritz damned him. With all the running around the world the two do in trying to stay away from Marley and Mary, Gale ends up becoming even more twisted. So I now look at this story as something awful and tragic, how Gale and Ritz become hardened and manipulative.

I knew this was going to happen, I don't think I ever saw the story THIS way though.

When I wrote Bastian a year ago I didn't mean for my characters to become this complex...I think that's why I didn't care much for it then.

Winamp is trolling me, TWICE in one day already.

They were a diversion, merely a diversion, and as Adam took a step back in initial horror before reaching for each of the animals and breaking what necks he could reach without spilling any of their blood I made my own attack.

Winamp's choice: Tom Jones -- It's not unusual

Grimacing and seething with pure hatred for me he pulled the knife from my shoulder and began to hack at me with it, slashing and tearing at my throat and chest, and making a desperate attempt to cause me to pull back from him, for he wanted nothing more than to flee in that moment.

Winamp's choice: Micheal Bublé -- Crazy Love