Inner Monologue

For the month of December I'm supposed to be taking a break from writing. I feel a little empty about it with all things considered, I've gotten into the habit of just tapping away at a document whenever I can that I feel strange not working on anything.

So instead I'm looking over the two books that I pushed out over the past two months. I decided to start with Gale since I seem to be in the swing of things. Well its going okay enough...but the more I look at this book the more I realize I wrote something completely heart-wrenching.

The basic idea of the book is to show how the villain became what he is, and ORIGINALLY the idea was that the biggest cause was the relationships Gale had with Marley and Mary, and how somehow it became warped into something with Adam...now looking at it, I think it was really Ritz. How awful.

It had been raining, something that I had long since shrugged off. I could not catch any illness from the rain, it was merely the smallest of hindrances, but Renée came out of her small apartment with an umbrella as if I were about to fall over.

“Monsieur DeWinter, you will catch your death!” She rushed over to me with the umbrella, coughing on her own the entire way over to me in the downpour.

“If only.” I said slowly. She smiled at me, and I could not help but smile back, happy that she seemed to have either forgiven me or forgotten entirely about our conversation the night prior. Either way, I was glad that she was not cross with me. “I am melting,” I managed.

“I can see that.” She took my arm and began to pull me towards her door.

“Not in the physical sense.”

It's sweet, adorable, Gale's been shut off from most everything up until this point in his life and now he's slowly experiencing emotions and is wonderfully unaware of how to show them or relay them to others. So Ritz saves him, right? Gives him a new lease on life, right?

I'm bordering more now on the idea that Ritz damned him. With all the running around the world the two do in trying to stay away from Marley and Mary, Gale ends up becoming even more twisted. So I now look at this story as something awful and tragic, how Gale and Ritz become hardened and manipulative.

I knew this was going to happen, I don't think I ever saw the story THIS way though.

When I wrote Bastian a year ago I didn't mean for my characters to become this complex...I think that's why I didn't care much for it then.

Over 11k and still going up, I'm weighing the best way to go about a book like this. I don't think I've ever read a book written from the perspective of the villain where they didn't repent or die by the end.

( Belladonna )
In the meantime I press on with NaNoWriMo, I'm a few days ahead, but I don't want to fall behind at all. The trouble is that with what I'm writing I'm having to be very picky with my word choice to make sure that everything falls into plan.

Today was lovely though, and it's not over yet. Robbie left to go further south to see friends and I spent the day with Samm. I have eaten so much sushi down here I'm happier than a kitty.

In other news KiKi is beautiful and her tail is as fluffy as she is wide, I almost want to steal her.

What I find that I like most is how deceptive it is. For the entire Bastian Freeman book the reader has no idea who the bad guy is, and now in the David Johnson part the reader watches the bad guys run circles around the good guys and you never really know who is behind it all. I don't intend to make it clear until the third, Gale DeWinter, about who exactly is responsible for what.

As I write more and more I'm finding that I can't wait to write Gale DeWinter's part. The whole third installment will be tragic flashbacks of Gale's relationship with Ritz (already a racy topic in both books prior), Mary, Marley, and Adam (who looks like he's going to be a major part in the second installment as well).

But Gale as a character is still forming, he doesn't show up much in the first book, just enough to scare the hell out of Bastian and make an impression on Jenna. I also don't plan on letting the reader in on too much of his personality when he's narrating. Gale will be professional and frank, every three chapters telling about a chapter in his past. I can't stress how much I'm looking forward to the racy flapper innuendo.

( Read more... )

Belladonna lillies. Ah the implications. I love that Ritz not only kept them this whole time, but she left them on Gale's desk, what a slap in the face, the relationship between Ritz and Bastian is looking more and more like an affair. Just like it should.

Throwing myself into Ritzko right now seems almost fitting, the darker storyline is just what I needed.

The house was robbed and they took my computer and flash drive.

I came home ALONE to everything gone and turned up-side-down. I have the first 50 chapters on my e-mail, but unless by some miracle we find they tossed a drive somewhere...I will either give up on Artemis or start the last 25 chapters from scratch. I don't even know right now.

To top it off one of the cats got out, she's still missing, and she's afraid of everything.

I'm at my parent's right now, they're away on a family vacation, and when I called them to ask them for help, I was met with no support at all. After talking with Robbie we decided that the best thing to do would be to save up enough to get us back to Michigan with his family. They immediately offered us a place to stay while we got back to our feet. Robbie is working on getting his job transferred, I would be starting from scratch with my school loans to pay...of course he keeps telling me that he'll support me for as long as he has to, even if I never go back to work.

All the sweet things make me cry even more.

At least I get internet on my phone, so my email is raintree.willow@gmail.com, my phone number is 614-580-4551. Text, call, email. It makes me even sadder that most of the people that I've been there for here aren't there for me. I'm lucky to have friends who live far away that I email, who listen to me, but I don't think I'll ever stop crying.

I feel like I'm living that moment of coming home over and over again.

Don't comment on here, I won't be checking my LJ for a LONG while.

The other night I came close to a sex dream. Now Morpheus is all butt-hurt over me saying no. Of course they're just dreams so I'm not all that bothered, except that I think I've come close before and stopped it.

So I'm constantly shooting down the guy in my dreams.

Then there's also the thing where I keep thinking that the relationship is strictly platonic-friend-type, but I know he's kissed me before in the dreams.

So I'm constantly shooting down the guy in my dreams.

The Batman dream still makes me giggle.

That movie that was in theatres in 2010? It came out of DVD today, so I watched it. Or tried to.

I'm sure I'll make an attempt to watch the whole thing later, but its one of those things where I feel really REALLY awkward watching it in the daytime with Robbie.

About thirty minutes in Robbie gets up to unplug his own lappy, my eyes get all wide.

Robbie: "What?"
Me:  "I think they're abut to have sex?"
Robbie: "Oh shit."
Me: "This is too much right now."
Robbie: "Did you really just turn that off."
Me: "I don't even KNOW what I'm watching right now."

Dream 1:

I was part of an impoverished family, more children than would fit in this little house and yet I only saw one of them, just a toddler bumbling around without supervision, but apparently that was okay? I wasn't interested in him, or any of the family actually, I was more interested on this kit I had received. A kit to grow a tree.

So I plant the tree in the little pot that came with the kit and set the timer for 4 hours (because apparently this tree could grow to full size in 4 hours), so I went off to wander around in that time (I really wish I hadn't I kind of wanted to see it grow), and when I got back it was a fucking full-sized Christmas tree with little red poinsettia lights, each with a strange fruit on them, ripe and ready to be plucked. So I took one, but before I could eat it everyone was called into the front yard.

My dream family got fucking evicted. Really? How lame. So we go on this journey down a dirt road surrounded by cornfields to search for a new home. (So now I'm a hobo)

We get to the city, but the city is a building, one big circular building reaching up a hundred stories, however it's been sliced down the middle and half of it is shrouded in black curtains, just like in one of my earlier dreams.

We split up, need to meet back in a few hours, but for now I'm allowed to go off on my own. I know where I want to go, and I dart to the shrouded area.

It's a jungle. There is literally a jungle behind the curtain and almost immediately where I'm standing there's a mine cart on a track going upwards. Without a hesitating thought (maybe only a memory of going up the ladders in my earlier dreams) I jump into the car and begin my ascent, starting slow then going faster, pummeling through bramble and small pygmy towns, and before I know it CAPTAIN HOOK HAS JUST FUCKING JUMPED INTO THE CART WITH ME.

"Where we going?"

"Crazy I think."

"Sounds fun."

I swear we sped up, and I reach up to the front edge of the cart and hold onto it, Captain Hook is now bracing his hands on the sides, "Where's the break?"

"I think I lost it somewhere." I never actually had one.

"Of course."

We keep flying along the cart tracks and we take out all sorts of creature, nothing can withstand our roadkill powers, we even took out a herd of alligators. Then the track is on a river and we're about to be thrown over the waterfall, but the instant we go over the edge I'm back in the City building, flying--no plummeting--down the center and we crash into the other side.

So Captain Hook and I brush ourselves off and we have a formal introduction and that's when I notice it. Every single citizen of the city is an actor or actress. I saw Brad Pitt, Nicole Kidman, it just went on and on.

So Captain Hook is hungry, so we go to the food court type area thingy, and everyone is buying sandwiches. Ridiculously expensive sandwiches that really are only mayo and lettuce on wonderbread. So Captain Hook gets one but all I really want is water, so we settle into a little table, and Captain Hook starts making comments about random people who are passing. So the cast of Harry Potter is there, but the only one we're really watching is Rupert Grint (Ron Weasley) who WILL NOT STOP picking his nose.

A kid comes over to our table and SPITS IN MY WATER. I'm completely appalled and pull my foot back when the kid goes to spit on my shoe. Then this whole ordeal becomes some messed-up chase around the table where he's trying to spit on me? I'm more terrified of this person than I understand and I slip. I'm bent over backwards on the table, Captain Hook has stood up and His appearance begins to change, just like it had in dreams before. The kid is holding me down onto the table, not going to spit, but just looking menacing.

He socks him. Square in the jaw. He's come back and He takes my hand and pulls me up, asking if I'm alright. My clothes have changed, I'm wearing some long sea-foam green coat-ish-duster-thing and I glance back at Rupert Grint and Emma Watson before, He pulls me out of that place by the hand and for some reason He looks desperate and worried.

Dream 2:

I've been watching waaay too many cartoons or something: I'm walking down the sidewalk of a cartoon setting, my purse in the crook of my arm and my phone open in my hands. I'm texting someone and I'm mad as hell. I have no idea what I'm so angry about , He's texting me back with nothing but apologies, but I have no idea what He's apologizing for.

[Chapter 50: Absolution was written after this, and all the old dialogue was opened up, I think that may have something to do with this.]

Dream 3:

I'm going on a date, very black and white, and I'm searching for my little black dress, but all I can find are these really tacky jeans. He's waiting downstairs, Samm is trying to keep Him occupied with conversation but I can feel His eyes drifting to the ceiling. After about 20 minutes of shuffling through clothes, I eventually say "Fuck it" and grab my skinny jeans and a t-shirt.

I jump down the stairs and walk out the door with Him and get into His car, we're driving along, I don't remember what we were talking about but I changed the topic:

"When I'm dead, will I be stuck in this place?"

"What do you mean?"

"When I die, what will happen?"

"It's oblivion, you don't want that."

"Then what is this?"

"A fashion nightmare."

"At least my jeans aren't made from a carpet."

He just started laughing, really hard, and I can't help but laugh too.


On the same note: I never got the call back from when I made the appointment, I can't say I blame her, I know that it's one of those things where you're allowed to be more selective on your clients. So I'm back to hunting for someone who can help me weed through all of these dreams and find out who this person is and more importantly, why they've been in all my dreams for the past two years.

I really, really don't like how I'm looking ahead to what needs to happen still in Book One and trying to tell myself, "No, Van Dean wouldn't do something that despicable." Then come to the realization that "yes, yes he would."

I feel sick just thinking about it.

It rather goes hand in hand with the dream I had only two nights ago, where I was angry. Really angry, but I didn't know why, and I was getting text messages on my phone from Van Dean and they were all apologies, but I had a hard time swallowing them.

Jesus, even looking back over the old dialogue between Artemis and Van Dean makes me want to cry, I was going to take it out but it's too heart-wrenching to slash.

It's chilling enough without knowing what is going to happen. I love the way I feel when I write.

The entire chapter 46, spoilers galore:

( They always had a rivalry, Van Dean just didn't know it. )

I only reciently learned that people normally can't pick up where they left off with dreams, I've been doing it for years.

I was on the stairs. The stairs somewhere, they were made of brown tile and cold metal covers on the edges. These were not the stairs at my apartment. I'm in my pajamas. The pajamas I had worn that night, my pajamas change so often that I can barely keep up with them. Sitting on the stairs in my black lace cami and little black shorts with my back against the wall. I was feeling sluggish, I remember that much.

He was there, crouched on the same stair in front of me, much more intimate than he had ever been before, with a hand on my cheek and another on my waist. "You've been awful to me. Where have you been?" I couldn't say anything, I was surprised enough that the words were coming from Him. I couldn't speak at all, my mouth was dry, and I was just in the mood to do nothing but cry.

I don't know if I was happy to see him, or angry. I had conformed to the idea that I wasn't his type after the dream where I saved the child. I thought I wasn't dark enough for him. All I could do was shake my head.

His tone changed, "No, I've been awful." I think it was the first time He kissed me. I knew there was always the same sort of strange romance in every dream, every once in a while before He would touch my face, tousle my hair, but this was the first direct contact. And I felt it.

I woke up for a few seconds and touched my mouth, then immediately fell back to sleep.

I was shopping with Samm, the Tiffany's at Easton was the marker, the store next to it. A store I had never seen before. Full of knick-knacks, bohemian clothing, and jewelry. Two old ladies stood behind the counter, chatting amongst themselves, they didn't even seem to notice me and Samm at all. Samm didn't say much, she immediatly went to look at the clothing, and I picked up a small lavender dress and set it back down. One of the women glanced at me and gave me a strange look. I tried to ignore it and went to look at the knick-knacks.

They were mostly small pieces of jewelery and charms and as I looked through them for something simple one of the ladies stopped me and took me by the hand to the counter, "You won't find what you're looking for in there. You're not so simple. You're a diamond-and-emerald-girl."

The combination was odd to me. It still is and I need to look up what the two gems mean. I think I'm looking to hard into this but every dream I've had with Him in it is always laced with subliminal messages.

The woman couldn't find what she wanted and she went to the back, assuring me that she would find it, constantly muttering to her friend about diamonds and emeralds. Samm was still leafing through clothes. And as I looked at my surroundings, something caught my eye outside the glass storefront, a man with long white hair, going into the tailor across the street. With a final glance at Samm, I left her there, calling as I went, "I'll be right back."

It was a splendid coat; red, blue, and green paisley-ish and soft velvet with black lapels, reaching all the way down him, trailing a few inches on the floor. "Do you like it?" He didn't even need to see that it was me coming in the door to ask.

"It doesn't suit you. It's too colorful."

"Doesn't suit me? Would it suit me if I cut my hair, wore nothing but black, and beckoned you with songs?" This was the first time He ever referenced another dream, and I immediately knew which one He was referencing. The coat was warm and He helped me into it, it was huge on me, "It suits you less I think."

I don't remember how it happened, there were chairs set up in the room, filled with just shadows of people, all unrecognizable. He took me with both hands on my arms, the coat shrugged up around me slightly, He whispered to me, "Smile pretty for them."

The next few moments were a blur, I was flat on my back on the ground, being dragged by the train of the coat into water. Vast dark water. And another kiss. The heavy fabric of the coat pulled me down, but He pulled me back up just as easily. I woke up once he smiled.

Here's where it gets strange. As if it wasn't already.

I force myself back to sleep. I'm there. The Tiffany's at Easton. I can get my bearings from there. First the store, I dart in and scan it for Samm. I'm terrified that she won't be there, but she is, and she's looking at the exact same item I left her with.

The old woman at the counter beckons me over. She's Nancy, the nurse I work with at the hospital, but she doesn't recognize me from there though. She gives me a small box, "I found it! I know you're a diamond-and-emerald-girl but this is just as good. It's called silver crystal."

I open the box and I recognize it immediately. It's a swarovski crystal star on a little black ribbon. "I can't afford it."

"It's been paid for, a lovely gentleman with white hair."

I set it down immediately, and I ran out of the store, the tailor wasn't across the street this time, I turned the corner, it was down from the Tiffany's. I pushed into the room and the coat was there, sitting on the mannequin where it fit the best. I got the attention of the man at the counter, he didn't recognize me at all, "The man, the man who that was for, is he still here?"

"He's not here, he'll be here soon though."

"I'll wait. I need to speak with him."

"Do you?" His voice was behind me and I turned to meet it.

"Listen to me," I was sounding panicked now, but I knew I had to get the questions out before I woke up again, "I need to know what you are. I need to know why you keep appearing. I need to know why the only dreams I ever have are about you. You tell me I'm awful, but you're the worst. You lead me into nightmares, one after the other, and then you go and pull all of this shit." He was putting on the coat now, the tailor had stopped paying attention to me. "I have a life, I have a boyfriend, I'm happy, but I need to know these things."

"You need to know?"

He wasn't going to tell me, and I made a loud angry noise before turning on my heel and leaving the store in a huff, calling back, "That coat looks like a carpet."

I rushed back into the knick-knack store and called back to Samm, "Lets get out of here, this place sucks." I looked at the little box on the counter and then said to the old ladies, "Tell the gentleman that I don't want the gift."

He was there when I turned around, "I can't give you answers yet. Be patient."