Inner Monologue

New manager at work, her name is Lea and she is wonderful. I adore her. However others not so much? I'm not alone in that I love her and think she's great for the store, but some people think she's too strict? And others just clash completely. But we'll see what happens in the next few days/weeks and who quits.

Speaking of work, I really need to work on my language. Most of the time I'm good about it, but when I start to get tired...well, I don't think even sailors say the things I do. Maybe I should apologize to Tyler for getting on him about that sex change too....

Nah.

Anywho, made food today, onigiri, and I ate every last damn morsel, it was delicious. There is a stash under the bed of goodies, I will take a picture and catalog everything for your viewing pleasure later. Its pretty damn impressive, like the zombie apocalypse stash.

I talked to Christina very briefly today, she worked at the Tim Horton's at the hospital, she's a manager there now. She was talking about setting something up so that she and Samm could come visit me. I'm all teary now and want to see them, I miss everyone so much. And I'm back to feeling dead in this place and don't want anyone to see me like this... At least I have time to psych myself up.

Supposed to be working on Jenna, and I love it, suddenly everything comes together and I realize that everything matches up perfectly with no effort, I don't even know how I pulled that off. But I want to work on Artemis. I love the way Artemis makes me feel...no homo. The trouble is that I've already come to terms with the fact that I would have to start over and re-write a lot to get back into the swing of things, and that would take a while. I need to finish Jenna first, then go back over David, then fine tune Gale, then make sure Jenna works, all the while editing Bastian and moving consecutively.

I'm a busy bunny.

I don't think getting back to Artemis would hurt so much if the content didn't hit so close to home now. I remember writing the absolute devastation of the characters in those final moments and finding myself in tears because of how powerful the ending was. I don't think I'll be able to ever write an ending to rival it. I opened up the document, set on just barreling through, but I've only written about two hundred words, and none of it information vital to the story line. I guess I still need some time.

Yesterday was good, despite the ending. We were all woken in the early hours of the day to a woman pounding on the door screaming fire and instantly everyone is thinking, "holy shit the house is on fire." Matt had been sleeping on the floor and I guess he has rug burns from where he rolled onto his stomach and started doing the army crawl while half asleep (lol). It turns out the house next door was on fire, and so the guys got their shemogs soaked and used them as breathing masks while they banged one doors.

The house had too have been burning for hours, you could see fire in the basement and there was black smoke everywhere, luckily the 90 year old man who lived there is apparently in the hospital, he has dementia, diabetes, and a few other things I think, so he wouldn't have been able to get out of the house very quickly had he been in there.

The fire department took over ten minutes to get there, and they ended up having to come back 4 times throughout the day. Apparently the whole first floor is burned out. The whole house is boarded up now, they think the fire started in the basement. Of course we all have an idea of what happened, but no one knows the exact cause right now.

We had delicious pancakes for breakfast, and chai lattes, and watched movies and did a little running around. The day was prime until the end. We went to visit a friend of Matt and Robbie's who has pancreatitis and is getting a spleen removal on the 29th. I actually started to feel dizzy when Robbie started talking about last June, and by the time we got out of the house on the way to the car I couldn't focus my eyes on anything. I don't want to know how wrecked I looked, apparently it was enough for Robbie to understand what was going on when we were on our way out the door. We ended up coming home and leaving Matt in the living room while Robbie and I laid in bed for a while.

I told him everything, didn't hold back on anything that I was thinking.

I'm still a little teary. I hate this so much. I'm falling apart physically now. I've had to wear my wrist in a splint for the past week, only able to take it off long enough to do dishes and shower, I've had to sleep in it. My wrist started hurting at work the other night and it got to the point where I had to stop for a while, the splint was instant relief. I need to see a doctor about it. I don't want to depend on the splint, already when I take it off I can see the weaker and disheveled looking imprint of it on my arm...it reminds me of those holocaust pictures.

Its harder to sleep all night, I don't have an appatite, and the dreams keep waking me up. To top it off my parents are pestering me about coming to see me and I just don't want to see them. I still feel like they completely abandoned me when I needed them the most, because, well, they did.

I have an appointment at 11 with Kerry, we'll see how I feel after that.

Strangely enough, still one of the better V-Day's I've had.

Home from the store with raspberry lollipops.

Robbie: "Is it good?"
Me: *Holding lollipop out to him* "Want to try?"
Robbie: *kisses* "Ooh, raspberry."
Me: *Melting with the biggest wide-eyed puppy look ever*

I think one of these days Robbie is going to confess having read Artemis and will revel in his triumph of trolling me hardcore.

Looking over my earliest draft of Artemis, reminiscing and looking for things that I could throw into the re-write of Book 2 I found a few more gems I’m almost 100% certain I will re-incorporate.

Things I’ve grabbed from the old book already in Book 1:

• Pandomé (the entire character)
• Kamen and grand theft auto (the whole mechafly crash as a tribute, but I DO plan on having him steal a cab just for old times sake)
• Celeste’s Lithe (a tribute more to the old Firebird myths that were used in one of the old lessons, might use that later in Book 2)
• Sharon (Now Rei’s leftovers and possibly number six for Fosh, oh god, Alladair was the first? O.o)

Something neat I found: Nancy was severely asthmatic, actually the proper use of Celeste’s blue pearls was to provide relief. Of course for most of the story early on Kamen ends up giving lots of piggy-back rides.

Ah, Kamen’s family lives in this version…yeah no dice buddy, your family is dead dead dead

Robbie took me for coffee this morning, then we drove around.

We went looking at houses mostly, the nice ones, big houses that you'd like to fill for Christmas.

I don't know what happened. It never happened before, but I started feeling absolutely terrible, achy throat and welled up eyes terrible, and at first I didn't know what was wrong, at first I didn't understand why I was so upset all of a sudden doing something I used to like. I broke down once or twice, Robbie was completely confused, and I know I cry a lot these days and he's probably seen more than his share of it.

I talked about my grandparents a little. Memories of things we used to do when I was little and they had the house in Findlay.  Stargazing with my grandma. My grandpa's very recent stroke, that made me cry again.

Eventually I understood why I was so upset over the houses. Before, no matter how extravagant it was, nothing seemed out of reach. Not a million dollar home, not the world, anything was possible. Now I don't feel that hope, and no matter how many times I told myself, "finish writing your books, finish editing, get back on track" nothing seemed to help.

When I did figure out what made me upset, Robbie had me tell him, and I think he liked the reason even less than me actually crying.

I think I may actually need an anti-depressant of some sort. I may need to actually seek help about this, because I can't seem to pull myself out of this. I just keep snuggling up in bed and crying over sections of Artemis.

I think right now it helps even less that Robbie keeps throwing out completely Covington phrases.

An excerpt, still needs a little work, but the dialogue sums up a lot about Artemis as a character.

Closing in on the final chapter, although I still feel leery of it for some reason despite it being something I think about constantly. I just can’t seem to type when I actually get to it.

( Read more... )
Meanwhile, Rei's standing in the corner, feeling VERY uncomfortable.

My family came up to see us. I feel much better after talking with my Mom, I'm certain at this point that things will get 100% better when Robbie and I move away from his parents. The trouble is work, there is nothing here and I'm not getting any calls back from anyone.

Of course apparently Robbie's dad was under the impression that I never apped to the store that he thought was a sure thing. He was a bit floored when I told him that I handed my app to the owner and the one he supposedly had the "in" with.

ANY-who, it was nice to get out and do things with them while they were here. We went to lunch and then went to play puttputt.

Samm is moving into her dorm on Sunday, meaning she'll be farther away, but hopefully she'll be on skype more.

Ah, its an Utena and Artemis sort of night.

I missed this. I love the way the story forms in my head, nothing like Ritzko, Artemis has a much more consuming feeling when I write it.

( Short Story: Of Sheets )

I read over a few of the short stories I was pumping out before June 19th, and I realized that the stories definitely have a different feel to them. I actually really, REALLY like the way they flow before June 19th as opposed to the attempts at rewriting the final chapter afterwards.

For example, Of Closets, a short story detailing Kamen and Artemis' childhood and their many blunders, this one detailing a point where the two find themselves locked in a closet. Hilarity ensues.

"It's never dark back home." She said with her voice much softer than it had been during her lecture.

Kamen glanced over to her, standing with her cheek against the door with the vague light from the bottom of the door creeping up and outlining the both of them. "Sunlight all day?"

She shook her head, "No, I mean…well it's never this dark." A small smile made its way across her face, "I suppose it does get dark in the country, but where I live the light from the city is always bouncing off of the buildings. People are awake all day and all night."

"That's silly. Even London sleeps."

"I didn't ask for your opinion. If I wanted it I would have asked." She said coldly, then added in the same tone: "I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry."

"Because you steal my food, you petty thief." She poked his chest.

Kamen shrugged, "Yours tastes better than mine." He wrinkled his nose, "How exactly does light bounce from building to building, they're made of brick, aren't they?"

"Different bricks. More like glass. And colored, a lot of the buildings are dark green."

He blinked twice, "That's silly."

"And," She said while glaring at him, her voice self-important, "We have tiny machines that you can listen to music with and talk to people who are far away with, and we have dragonfly machines that you can fly on—"

"And you're crazy."

She rapped the back of her hand on his chest, "You're one to talk, did you forget that we're locked in the closet?"

Of course after posting this I don't even want to show anyone the final chapter. it just doesn't have the same magic the rest of the book does. All poetry is crushed and the passion just isn't there.

If I'm ever going to be able to write like that again I'm going to have to read through ALL of Artemis, as well as probably finish all of the short stories that were started and never finished. Oh god, the Lady Godiva one, I don't even know how I'm supposed to make a conversaition about being naked in public in the 1860's permittable between a 15 year old and an 18 year old.

Yes. Yes, it is that bad.

EDIT: Figured it out: Kamen keeps pushing with borderline lewd comments, Artemis tries to ignore but inevidably ends up hitting him with her book.

So between now and the last time I gave an actual update:

1. My friend Kat's computer crashed, she sent it to us and we fixed it. The only thing wrong was that she had somehow gotten a virus from big fish games and it FRIED her hard drive. So we got her a new one and then I loaded up her lappy with games, Sailor Moon, Labyrinth, and many other essentials.

2. Some days I feel discouraged with Artemis, at this point I KNOW that it's going to be impossible for me to jump back into it. I'm going to have to work on short stories and read over the whole story before I make another attempt at writing the last chapter. The good news, and I don't know if I put this up here yet, but I found a binder with the original Book 2! Meaning the only thing I am missing now IS the final chapter of Book 1, then I will be back to where I was before the move.

3. Got a very promising lead on a job, but I don't want to divulge the details too soon, I don't want to jinx it and have it fall through.

4. Working on the Ritzko Project, the goal at this point is to be able to send out signed copies of the first book as Christmas presents. Meaning more it has to be done by November so that I can start NaNoWriMo.

Full plate for the time being, but at least I'm feeling more validated.