Inner Monologue

I don't really know how to begin, so I'm just going to dive into it.

Everything has happened so fast, I just don't know how to react. Almost like I would rather go numb and let everything happen. everything just happens.

the funeral was lovely really. she was the first corpse I  saw that didn't look plastic. although i suppose its wrong of me to call her that. she found her blue outfit I suppose. the one i remember her looking for. with the small pink polka dots. the adema had gotten bad, she was rather puffy still.

on the way back from the funeral I agitated things, i told robbie i just couldn't move out of the city. i felt awful for saying it immediatly. with as many things that happened that day he really didn't need me to be wishy washy about the move.

i feel helpless.

we set things straight i suppose, the move is so far planned for july 27, but i have no problem in telling my job to bugger off before then if need be.

but the icing on the cake (or rather the cherry on top, as rob's grandmother's death was the icing), is that when we returned home there was no water. Not because the bill hadn't been paid, but because while we were gone someone broke into the other side of the double, turned off the water, and stole the copper piping.

my house isn't livable. and now i'm a nomad with my bag and my laptop, and a cat on a harness and leash that is living at my parent's house for the time being. that is until the dogs get to her like they tried to earlier.

and now i feel like i'm about to cry, but i just can't get to it. like too many things have happened and i really do just want to let go and curl into a ball and let robbie take care of me like he wanted to. but up north i'll be useless, with no job to help support us, and i still don't feel up to writing, what good am i?

i suppose it got around at work what happened. of course that is my fault, no one elses. I sat at the table and outright said that after the week i had, rob's grandmother's death was hopefully the end, and when they asked about the rest of the week i flat out told them. and they asked, and wondered, why hadn't i said anything before?

i saw a FB message when i logged on earlier today from someone wishing me well. that's all well and good, but i didn't tell anyone at work (save Cammy and Margo) what was going on when it was going on because I don't trust them. i spent the past year and a half putting myself out there and trying to make friends and became outright ostracized from everyone.

i tell myself constantly that i need to be more outgoing, that i need to pull myself out of my shell, but then i look back at all i've done and it frustrates me that I HAVE, I certainly have. But i just don't understand why. but i'm slightly glad all the same. i owe them nothing, no explanation, no thanks, no regrets. just pack up what little i have left and let robbie carry me away.

alright, i think i feel up to crying now.

I originally wasn't going to post any more dreams, but they seem to all have some sort of cryptic meaning, and they've been coming VERY often. The first depicted here was one that I had immediately after my appointment, and after fighting fire demons with flamethrowers with Him, I decided to open up a little more than close myself off. The result: adventures.

I've decided to call him Morpheus, for lack of a better name. The Greek god of dreams, it seems fitting enough.

Fire Demons:

I can feel the heat from the blaze on my face, the surroundings glow red with the flames. It's a cathedral, in the process of being eaten alive by the flames of creatures that split the earth and came from inside.

Morpheus is there, standing next to me, and talking as if He knows the appointment I've just come from, "You were going to bring him to intimidate me, where is he?"

He's talking about Micheal, the woman at my appointment told me to ask the archangel for protection if I felt threatened. But I don't feel threatened now, "I asked him to come if you were dangerous."

Morpheus ignores what I say, and instead passes me a rather large item, "This place is past divine intervention. The walls will collapse and the roof will cave. However, we can stop the intrusion here."

"What is this?" I ask, but I already know what it is, its a flamethrower.

"We fight fire with fire."

Christmas Nightmares:

We're watching a movie, the Nightmare Before Christmas projected onto a bed sheet in the middle of a camping trip. Faceless beings wander about in the distance, but there's another with us that is not so faceless. A small child lays curled up with her head on a folded blanket.

I'm sitting with my knees up to my chin, "I've seen this movie more times than I can count."

"Intrinsic." Morpheus is watching the sheet with a small smile, "What do you think he's looking for."

"He's missing love, isn't he? Family and friendship. The things that Christmas embodies, but Halloween can't give."

"Personification of holidays." He shakes his head, "But Halloween can give it. If you give it time."

The little girl opens her eyes and looks at us curiously before rushing over to us to snuggle up and watch the movie. "He was watching you." I tell the little girl, "He was always watching you, because he loved you and wanted you safe."

Sea Treasure:

Its a abandoned beach, the rocks are carved in the shapes of early house frames. I'm walking through one, barefoot, somewhere I've lost my shoes. Or thrown them away, I hate getting sand in my shoes, especially when the sand feels so good on my feet.

Morpheus sits atop one of the rocks, on the apex of the roof of the building I'm climbing through, he's watching the shoreline.

I look over to the shoreline, the little girl is there, her face has become scaly and she pushes an eerie tune from her mouth to the sea.

The smaller creatures are scuttling out of the water, hurrying across the sand in an attempt to escape the sea. Countless crustaceans and bugs run across my feet and I look up to Morpheus.

"That little girl, she was watching Nightmare with us." I say.

He nods, "I was bringing her home."

"Home?"

I look back to the girl, the sea churns violently and an army of nāga, selkies, and mermaids push themselves up out of the water.

The spectacle is nothing short of beautiful, "She's a mermaid!" I say with a large smile.

"She's their god."

Snow Angels:

I've been sick, its been hot. This was today, I was having trouble falling asleep. Between going to throw up what little I've been able to eat, and trying to take a cold shower to cool off, sleep was being a little more than elusive.

I barely remember falling asleep. I don't know how I got into bed, but I must have.

I went to the window and pushed the curtain away. There were about two feet of snow blanketing the street and Morpheus is looking up at me from below.

I rush down the stairs and pull on my boots, but I don't bother with my jacket, and its a good thing because it's not too frigidly cold despite all the snow.

Morpheus is singing. Its the same tune he beckoned me with half a year ago and instead of drawing me in he uses it to pull more snow from the sky.

I'm having fun, running through the snow and kicking it up into the air and dancing. Morpheus walks behind me, a smile on his face and hands in his pockets.

The Haven:

The most recent. Morpheus shows me a castle made of stone, and from the outside it looks abandoned, but when he shows me the way in I find that it's become delightfully overrun with streams, vegetation, fire, and ice.

"Your Haven." He tells me.

I explore, finding and delighting in the wonders of this new place. And he's correct, this is truly my Haven, before I really understand what's going on I find myself walking up the walls, looking for the best place to survey this new world.

I find it in a strange tree house, suspended in vines and stone, I look over the edge. "This is the cathedral."

"Sanctuary."