Inner Monologue

Gale excerpts below, trigger warnings: blood, gore, vivisection, abuse, necromancy, I'm going to go ahead and say sexual content as well since some of the descriptions get pretty racy.

The relationship between Gale and Ritz has a nice start, but it quickly becomes...unhealthy, I'm just waiting to be ridiculed for writing this book.

To make it worse my mind has been in very dark places during the entire month of November because of this, I am seriously reconsidering my December endeavor.

( Here we go... )

The first week we were here was taken up mostly by the trip up to Oscoda, which I did take many nice nature-y pictures which I will have to upload onto FB or put in an LJ cut. The picture quality on my new phone is much nicer than the last I had (which I did expect), but what made my day was the fact that despite us forgetting the internet MiFi verizon adapter, I still had internet wherever I got a cell phone signal, so I was able to keep in touch with people through texts.

I got my fishing license, I caught a fish, I learned how to clean a fish, but we couldn't eat them because they had lots and lots of worms. I also shot of a few guns, and I decided that my aim is terrible and I need something with little to no kickback, or a LOT of aim practice.

The night before last we managed to get Ryan over here for the night because Robbie needed to stay up to get his schedule back on track for work. Robbie fell asleep several times, but Ryan and I stayed up the whole night playing games. I also got re-situated with a copy of the Sims 2, which will be a nice outlet for a while (I'll get to why in a few).

So Ryan is grounded, and after talking with him for a little I'm actually more surprised that he isn't more grounded. He has a lot of self control for having to deal with everything that is going on with him right now, I don't think his dad really sees it, but I'm not a parent and I have no right to say anything really, but I do think that if Rick and Teresa knew what was going on they would have a lot more to say to their other children.

So about the MiFi really quick. It has a limit on kB/sec. MEANING, I can't skype call, I can't torrent, and I can't LiveStream here. In order to do any of those I need to go to Rick and Teresa's (who have wonderful internet BTW) and I feel rather awkward to go there and pull out my lappy. But w/e. Robbie has talked to his dad about adding internet onto his coverage and paying the difference, the problem is that it's satellite and will probably be buggy, but it's something.

About yesterday, being unemployed has started to set in, and me, with my already quite obvious issue with being useful, started to feel like crap...to the point where I wore myself out crying and then cried myself to sleep. It doesn't help that any of the things that I used to do to get myself out of a rut were impossible to do. And I'm getting teary just now thinking about it. There's no tea salons, no Samm to run around with, no skyping, I am feeling trapped. And to top it off I'm dreaming again. But no dreams with Morpheus, that might have been a comfort, I get the strange cryptic kind.

Of course regardless of the fact that I spent the last year and a half taking care of crazy patients and families of people who were dying, I am apparently not considered experienced in customer service and retail, so any job I apply for I don't have much hope in getting. This of course hasn't stopped me from applying anywhere I can. I really did have my eyes set on the new Charming Charlie, but I doubt I'll get a call from them. I just have to wait for some kind of response.

Robbie did have a good first day at work, he got out on time regardless of them being understaffed by 3 people, and said that the labor was handled much differently than it was in C-Bus. His shift isn't forced to do the work of the other shifts, and if they are running short the management isn't worried about conditioning to give the illusion of the shelves being full, they just want the product up there. So Robbie came home laughing and we talked for a while and then I looked at the clock (which at the time read 730 or so) and I told him that the people in C-Bus were probably still hard at work.

I just want a job, something to occupy myself with. Sims 2 will get old quick. I think I may pull out my paints and canvas today. We're supposed to go meet with the owner of the small grocery store down the street today, hopefully that will bring some good news.

It was the last dream I had with him in it that I am certain it was him:

It was an obstacle course of sorts, we were rushing through a sort of underground tunnel with a handful of wooden stakes that we were pushing into holes in the ground. almost like a mine shaft really. we come across a wild pig of sorts, and his first argument is that it's dangerous and needs to be killed, but i want it as a pet, so he allows me to take it in, and we finish the race in 2nd or 3rd place. i don't remember which.

Then, one I had before the break in:

I feel asleep very briefly, and I was being attacked by a monster. a zombie looking thing was trying to eat me, and Morpheus was rushing over and screaming for me to wake up, trying to pry her off of me.

He looked just like Van Dean. I woke up and after that I didn't have a dream with him in it. I almost worry that he got hurt? They're only dreams though, but I still have to wonder. He didn't show up for any of my nightmares in the past week, he might have been there for all i know, he's taken other forms before, and now that I think about it I really do think he was there, just choosing not to make himself known.

The most recent:

A man covered in a burlap robe has two brown paper bags, and is in my back yard. He beckons me over and I look into one of the bags and there's penny! I pick her up out of it in a fit of smiles and laughs and snuggle her close.

I think that was Morpheus. I haven't dreamt since.

Was nothing short of a nightmare, and it looks like its going to bleed into this week.

My house was broken into on the 21st, my family was out of the state for that whole week. The computers were stolen and even though they decided to tear out the speakers, headphones, keyboards, and microphones, they decided that they should just take all the jump drives that had Artemis saved on them. I still have Ritzko, I suppose that's a blessing in disguise. Luckily I had emailed most of Artemis Book 1 to myself to read at work, so I will only have to rewrite the last chapter and the afterword.

I managed to get through work without breaking down in front of my coworkers, but to tell the truth I did have a patient that I found crying at 5 am and I ended up sitting with him and bawling my eyes out right next to him.

My boss has been amazing through everything, however I haven't told her yet that Robbie and I do plan on moving back to Michigan. We're waiting on his job to transfer and we've worked the budget to allow us to live on his salary alone for as long as we need to (while I'm unemployed). I have only told one of my coworkers what happened, and only because she had her house broken into last summer and I felt was the only one who really understood what I was going through. The others know nothing, and I don't plan on telling them anything until I leave, if then.

I stayed at Tammi's house one night, I'll probably do a lot of crashing there this coming week, what was a 6-day stretch of time off has become an 8-day stretch because guess what? To top off the week, Robbie's grandmother passed this morning around 4, and the worst part is that I don't have the strength to cry anymore, even when something really warrants tears. I know how close he was to her, when he said she was back in the hospital with her usual UTI CHF, I figured she would be right as rain and back home when we moved up there. So I work tonight and took vacation for the next two days. Hopefully I can pick up some time around the hospital in the stretch to save up money.

Penelope is still missing, and her sister is all out stressed and lonely now. She cries a lot, can't keep down food, I'm worried about the both of them. So we're taking Persephone up to Michigan with us for the funeral because we don't want to leave her alone for too long, she snuggled up to me for most of last night. I have faith still that we will find Penny, the biggest reason being that we have posters all over the damn place that offer a reward of $100 for her return, along with a picture of her. To be honest, she should be easy to spot, her fur is longer than any other stray, and her coloring is rather unique. It makes me feel better when I see people I've never met combing the area for her, calling out for her, $100 is a small price to pay for her if it gets her home. I know Robbie is lonely without her.

One of the only good things that happened this past week was when my sister came home from vacation and set right all of the mess between me and my parents, she then proceeded to buy me a new laptop, which I am typing this on right now. I'm in the midst of recovering my lost music, but it looks like I may have to wait a bit to get my Sailor Moon replaced, which kinda sucks because I could really use a good laugh right about now. Artemis Book 1 is in its own little folder on here, but I haven't put much work into finishing it yet. I'm still a little numb from the whole experience.

I guess I should start getting cleaned up for work? I have a few hours still, but there is packing to be done if I plan on leaving in the morning for Michigan for the funeral.

I went to visit the friend's father. It was random happenstance. We usually visit him when we have an issue with the car, or if we're going to our chinese place (really I hang out with him more than I do the old friend). He's doing well, but I can't help but think he's forced into a lot of things he really shouldn't be. Seems almost like apathy is thrust upon him. Of three children, all of which ought to have their own places, only one is moved out and I wouldn't even call it that for certain. The oldest son is the only one who doesn't live there, but his three children spend most of their time there.

He's in the process of getting a new house despite renovating the one he's in now, its looking nice, the kitchens is all hand crafted cabinets and is gorgeous, but I have to wonder if its what he really wants or if its what he feels forced to do.

TBH I feel like his other two kids need to move the fuck out and let him and his wife have some time without them.

I think if he lost everything he would simply do his normal sigh and hang his head before going to the front porch for a cigarette. Then again, I've never seen him pushed to the edge, I don't think he has an edge, I think it might have been ground down by his wife.

Still I walked through the house almost apprehensive of it, worried that any moment the lights would flicker and when they returned the house would be ransacked. My imagination runs away with my paranoia.

Morpheus worries for nothing, he wouldn't hurt me, and he's never become that.

Wow, this is a judgmental entry.

I have an appointment with Brenda Frazier this Wednesday, she was referred to me by someone at work, and although I know that interpreting dreams may not be her specialty, I feel like even if she can give me some sort of insight to the spirit world I'll feel a little less terrified of my dreams. Then there's also the worry that half an hour may not be enough, in which case I might actually make a second appointment if I'm satisfied with how she manages things.

Either way I know that I'm long overdue for seeing someone about these dreams, I shouldn't have waited for them to get so frequent. I'm just glad that the more creepy ones have died down, the whole ordeal with the Tiffany's and the swimming dream were a little too much for me.

I'm more worried that I'm drifting back into old habits and ways of thinking and I can't justify not. I guess some things are too private for even a journal that no one reads.

Another worrying revelation: she'll probably be able to sense my growing despondence.

I haven't been to sleep yet, and I really don't want to either. It isn't that I'm not tired, I just spent ten minutes shuffling through my music because I wanted to listen to Goldfrapp and I couldn't remember where "G" was in the alphabet. I could listen to my dramatic reading of "My Immortal" and not lose and brain cells. I'm that fried right now.

I had come to the conclusion that I would wait a few weeks to see this psychic that was recommended, and I still plan to, but it's going to be harder to put off. Because I came to realize that I've been putting off sleep more and more every day, and I even pick up hours at work to avoid it. I started sleeping with a teddy bear again. And the worst of it is that in the past the dreams were more intense when it was that time of the month. Used to be that if I was off my period and Robbie was in bed beside me I could sleep easy, but the last few dreams broke all those hopes...

So its that time again. I feel like I'm going to fall face-first into my keyboard.

If I at least knew that they were nothing, just weird dreams, that would be enough. Every time I try to shrug them off they come back stronger.

I only reciently learned that people normally can't pick up where they left off with dreams, I've been doing it for years.

I was on the stairs. The stairs somewhere, they were made of brown tile and cold metal covers on the edges. These were not the stairs at my apartment. I'm in my pajamas. The pajamas I had worn that night, my pajamas change so often that I can barely keep up with them. Sitting on the stairs in my black lace cami and little black shorts with my back against the wall. I was feeling sluggish, I remember that much.

He was there, crouched on the same stair in front of me, much more intimate than he had ever been before, with a hand on my cheek and another on my waist. "You've been awful to me. Where have you been?" I couldn't say anything, I was surprised enough that the words were coming from Him. I couldn't speak at all, my mouth was dry, and I was just in the mood to do nothing but cry.

I don't know if I was happy to see him, or angry. I had conformed to the idea that I wasn't his type after the dream where I saved the child. I thought I wasn't dark enough for him. All I could do was shake my head.

His tone changed, "No, I've been awful." I think it was the first time He kissed me. I knew there was always the same sort of strange romance in every dream, every once in a while before He would touch my face, tousle my hair, but this was the first direct contact. And I felt it.

I woke up for a few seconds and touched my mouth, then immediately fell back to sleep.

I was shopping with Samm, the Tiffany's at Easton was the marker, the store next to it. A store I had never seen before. Full of knick-knacks, bohemian clothing, and jewelry. Two old ladies stood behind the counter, chatting amongst themselves, they didn't even seem to notice me and Samm at all. Samm didn't say much, she immediatly went to look at the clothing, and I picked up a small lavender dress and set it back down. One of the women glanced at me and gave me a strange look. I tried to ignore it and went to look at the knick-knacks.

They were mostly small pieces of jewelery and charms and as I looked through them for something simple one of the ladies stopped me and took me by the hand to the counter, "You won't find what you're looking for in there. You're not so simple. You're a diamond-and-emerald-girl."

The combination was odd to me. It still is and I need to look up what the two gems mean. I think I'm looking to hard into this but every dream I've had with Him in it is always laced with subliminal messages.

The woman couldn't find what she wanted and she went to the back, assuring me that she would find it, constantly muttering to her friend about diamonds and emeralds. Samm was still leafing through clothes. And as I looked at my surroundings, something caught my eye outside the glass storefront, a man with long white hair, going into the tailor across the street. With a final glance at Samm, I left her there, calling as I went, "I'll be right back."

It was a splendid coat; red, blue, and green paisley-ish and soft velvet with black lapels, reaching all the way down him, trailing a few inches on the floor. "Do you like it?" He didn't even need to see that it was me coming in the door to ask.

"It doesn't suit you. It's too colorful."

"Doesn't suit me? Would it suit me if I cut my hair, wore nothing but black, and beckoned you with songs?" This was the first time He ever referenced another dream, and I immediately knew which one He was referencing. The coat was warm and He helped me into it, it was huge on me, "It suits you less I think."

I don't remember how it happened, there were chairs set up in the room, filled with just shadows of people, all unrecognizable. He took me with both hands on my arms, the coat shrugged up around me slightly, He whispered to me, "Smile pretty for them."

The next few moments were a blur, I was flat on my back on the ground, being dragged by the train of the coat into water. Vast dark water. And another kiss. The heavy fabric of the coat pulled me down, but He pulled me back up just as easily. I woke up once he smiled.

Here's where it gets strange. As if it wasn't already.

I force myself back to sleep. I'm there. The Tiffany's at Easton. I can get my bearings from there. First the store, I dart in and scan it for Samm. I'm terrified that she won't be there, but she is, and she's looking at the exact same item I left her with.

The old woman at the counter beckons me over. She's Nancy, the nurse I work with at the hospital, but she doesn't recognize me from there though. She gives me a small box, "I found it! I know you're a diamond-and-emerald-girl but this is just as good. It's called silver crystal."

I open the box and I recognize it immediately. It's a swarovski crystal star on a little black ribbon. "I can't afford it."

"It's been paid for, a lovely gentleman with white hair."

I set it down immediately, and I ran out of the store, the tailor wasn't across the street this time, I turned the corner, it was down from the Tiffany's. I pushed into the room and the coat was there, sitting on the mannequin where it fit the best. I got the attention of the man at the counter, he didn't recognize me at all, "The man, the man who that was for, is he still here?"

"He's not here, he'll be here soon though."

"I'll wait. I need to speak with him."

"Do you?" His voice was behind me and I turned to meet it.

"Listen to me," I was sounding panicked now, but I knew I had to get the questions out before I woke up again, "I need to know what you are. I need to know why you keep appearing. I need to know why the only dreams I ever have are about you. You tell me I'm awful, but you're the worst. You lead me into nightmares, one after the other, and then you go and pull all of this shit." He was putting on the coat now, the tailor had stopped paying attention to me. "I have a life, I have a boyfriend, I'm happy, but I need to know these things."

"You need to know?"

He wasn't going to tell me, and I made a loud angry noise before turning on my heel and leaving the store in a huff, calling back, "That coat looks like a carpet."

I rushed back into the knick-knack store and called back to Samm, "Lets get out of here, this place sucks." I looked at the little box on the counter and then said to the old ladies, "Tell the gentleman that I don't want the gift."

He was there when I turned around, "I can't give you answers yet. Be patient."