xhesika: (RedBaron)
Tonight is actually okay despite the strange desire to delete all of the Ritzko Project.

I haven't been able to motivate myself to work on it, I second guess my edits, and I'm not making any real progress.

I wish something would give me joy again.

Time to pull out Artemis.
xhesika: (Default)
I need to just stop. I need to distance myself from things that make me feel conflicted and hurt. I don't even know why I feel hurt this time, but for some reason...

I know I can't just keep glossing over. I'm so tired of fighting this alone. I'm so tired of being told one thing and then...

Unrelated: Samm won't be moving in with us, not immediately at least. I'm not that worried about it, I'll still see her a lot. Her car is having trouble and she needs to be on a bus line for class.

Robbie keeps trying to ease my anxiety about everything, and things are better now that his parents are gone for a little, but my thoughts are still really heavy and I don't have anyone to talk to about them.

Everything seems to be backfiring, and I just keep paddling through it for very few reasons.

I wish I could at least be met halfway, I really do feel like I'm fighting this alone.
xhesika: (Default)
Feeling really good about everything this morning.

Good change of pace.

A bit tired, but I should eat first.

makénai

Jul. 30th, 2012 02:00 am
xhesika: (Default)
Can't really help what I feel, and I'm not going to try to cover it up or bullshit around it.

I'm honest, I pride myself on that. I don't need to lie.

Remembering my mantras.
xhesika: (Default)
Two months.

Then none of this will matter.
xhesika: (Default)
Yesterday, and last night, and today.

I was finally able to talk to someone and it felt like old times, comfy-cozy, I love it. It made me genuinely happy.

Then work was a little hectic, it doesn't help that everyone I work with seems to rely on the union for everything. I don't like it when my points are proven, especially not when the point I'm making isn't something I'm happy to see.

I think I signed a waiver about my job tho...so I can't sit here and rant about how much I hate the unions.

ANY-who, I'm supposed to be doing a 12h+ livestream later? That's the only way I can get large amounts of footage of me working onto the computer for editing movies and sending to friends in C-bus.

So I'm really going to be just carrying around my laptop everywhere.

Also, new boots! Like my old ones, with lots of tread and low heel. They still need to be broken in tho.
xhesika: (Default)
I looked at the schedule for next week. I had been wanting to see if my transfer notice had effected how many days I have off or not. I saw that I only worked 4 days next week rather than 5. I was going to take the 3 days off and do some relaxing, but I noticed no one was on the schedule for one day next week and so I called up the boss and asked to pick it up.

I know Penny had done every single schedule in one night and probably didn't realize what she had done, and it appears that it was the case.

Also I think by calling her and asking to pick up was something she wanted me to do? I think she cut everyone down to 4 days because one of the girls who always calls off had called off this week and I think Penny wanted to see who would go out of their way to work.

Any way it goes, Robbie and I had talked about living with nothing while his parents are gone and throwing everything into savings. We've done it before, and threw 800 into the bank in a matter of weeks. With the move coming up I'm so worried about not having everything together that I can do without my ensure. My sanity is much more important right now. I'll just eat an extra meal and keep eating all day until I feel sick to make up for it.

My weight is stable, slightly, at least staying at 115 rather than dropping anymore, so I'm on the right track. I feel good about that.

Been doing a few writing excercises. I have a lovely anon on tumblr that asks for a story once a day with no topic in particular. Most of the time I've been rehashing dreams, but every so often I'll pump out something completely random. I love it. I can't begin to express my gratitude towards this person, they're lovely, and they're helping to keep me sharp and work me out of this writers block.
xhesika: (Utena)
And failing to care? I'm not sure if there's an easy way to describe it, but I don't hurt as much anymore when I'm pushed aside.

The last few weeks have been emotional and rough for me. I got incredibly attached to my boss, I never intended too, I don't find people I like that much around here often. I went to work on her last day and found that her last day had been the night before. it hurt a little, but I guess she didn't even know about it. I had a slight breakdown then, I think I realized then how attached I get. I never used to do that, I used to distance myself and live in the moment. I need to start doing that again.

Robbie saved the day the next night? I was feeling down and he got her number from one of the guys and gave it to me. We've been texting at work since. The constant texting at work has helped keep me out of so many break downs. I can't even begin to say how thankful I am.

I miss Tammi. How is it I always become friends with my bosses?

Tuesday I think it was, Robbie and I gave our bosses our notices. We will be moving in October. We will be transferring to the city. We will start living again.

And I am going to write Artemis again. I'll muster all my courage to write that last chapter, and then I'm moving onto Book 2. I can do it.

Rob's parents are gone for the next two-three weeks. This means that I can eat. This means that I can play music loud and scream and sing. I forgot how happy cooking makes me.

Ryan tried to commit suicide the other night. Rob's nephew, the one we usually have come over, took a handful of vicodin and a few others and was rushed to the hospital. Of course because there is no such thing as privacy in this family everyone knew about it instantly. I'm not even going to get into how angry Robbie and I are over the way Ryan's parents reacted. I certainly don't think saying that Ryan should have more of the charcoal to teach him a lesson in front of a SOCIAL WORKER is a good thing.

We have before extended the invitation to C-bus to Ryan, and we did it again, even as just an escape, some way out of this desolate town. I can't stand seeing people trapped living situations that make them miserable.

Myself, I'm teetering in-between everything. I re-visited the ultimatum I gave myself at the beginning of the year. i have until the end of the year to decide if its what I want, but if my writing keeps going like it has been for the first half of the year I don't see much of a choice. I guess that whole bit is the reason why I take so much concerning my writing personal.

I've slowly been learning to shut down my emotions when I see something upsetting or offensive. It's helping me move away from those things. I don't know if I'll blow up after a while or fall apart again, but at this point there isn't much else I can do.

C'est la vie.

...

Jul. 26th, 2012 07:14 am
xhesika: (HaloThar)
Today I am going to visit someone who tried to kill themselves, and I am going to try to cheer them up, while feeling like a complete hypocrite.

What the fuck.

I'm tired of everything, being hurt over the littlest thing, crying over everything, and I feel awful for putting it all on Robbie. Sometimes I call Shelby and she talks me down, she and Catherine are the only ones these days that make me feel genuinely better.

My dreams are dead. I have shit to live for at this point because I'm just a burden to Robbie with how much I cry.

I don't know what I want anymore, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel better because everything that used to make me feel better is only making me feel worse.

I'm tired of all of this, I just want to scream.

work...ugh

Jul. 20th, 2012 07:03 am
xhesika: (Default)
I never used to get attached like this. Last night was terrible--I felt terrible through all of it. Just no strength left and for the first few hours I had a hard time not completely breaking down. I'm mostly angry at myself when everything is said and done, angry that I did nothing when I had the chance, and upset that I'll never have another chance.

Above all, I wish I wouldn't have gotten so attached. I'm the one that's going to be leaving soon, I shouldn't allow myself to get attached to people like this.

I'm all sorts of thankful for Shelby, I can never understand how she manages to make me feel completely better with just a few words. She radiates positive energy I think.

I need a vacation or something. Talking to Samm and Tammi would help bunches too.

Health

Jul. 16th, 2012 04:41 am
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
So basically nine days ago I added ensure to my diet, just once a day, the 330 calories and nutrients I'm just not getting otherwise were needed. When I started I weighed 116.4, in nine days I dropped to 112.0. I'm underweight and I've been trying to gain for a while now.

I'm going to have to increase my intake drastically, and after nearly hitting the floor at work last night, Rob's been waking me during the day to make sure that I eat. The problem is that when I'm hungry, I don't feel it, its the same sensation as having a full bladder or cramps, so most of the time I just go to the bathroom or load up on midol.

So last night I got dizzy out of the blue, lost my hearing temporarily, my vision was blurry, and I had to sit down for a little. Of course while my hearing was gone my boss was apparently calling for me over the intercom? So she came looking for me and then freaked out, got me water, and told Rob...who then freaked out and got me an ensure.

I'm better now, I didn't go home, I stayed and worked out my shift, but in a much lighter department. My boss wouldn't let me touch a pallet jack.

This whole thing is frustrating, I'd like to be somewhere at 150, it doesn't even matter to me if its muscle or not, I'd just like the weight.

Ugh

Jul. 11th, 2012 07:57 am
xhesika: (Utena)

Started drinking ensure to help with my weight, the calorie intake alone is good, but all of the nutrients along with it should help balance me out.

Lea is leaving us next Thursday rather than the 29th, I am sad, and apprehensive of the guy we're getting, somehow I see performance deteriorating.

And the girl who had been struggling to keep her job because of unfair decisions by the management is in the middle of termination. The one who is dating an IRL Van Dean...I should give her a call and make sure she's holding out okay.

Have been doing a lot of thinking, lately the littlest thing will send me into tears, Robbie's been there a lot for me, but most of the time I've been inconsolable. Trying my best to remember what made me strong, and when I think about it, it just makes me sad.

I'm tired of losing everything, just when I thought I had nothing left to lose.

xhesika: (Default)
Trying to remember what made me strong.

Meditation

Jul. 9th, 2012 06:04 am
xhesika: (HaloThar)
Slowly starting to feel overwhelmed again. I don't know what I want to do, or why I feel like this. I'm chalking it up to an episode, maybe a nervous breakdown, and hoping it'll pass.

I want to take a vacation, maybe never come back, take Robbie away with me and run away to hide in India or something. Pipe dreams.

Apparently I've been crying in my sleep again, I can barely remember the dreams though. One of them I was pregnant.

I was thinking back to C-bus, about Tammi and the kids. I miss them. I miss everyone there.

I was off last night and spent a lot of time relaxing and watching movies. I haven't done a lot of writing, haven't felt particularly motivated. I'm wondering if I should take a break from it, although technically I've been on a break from it for the past month and a half. I don't look at my desktop as often as I should, I forget that I've plastered it with mantras, things I tell myself over and over when I meditate or feel sad.

My insecurities keep rearing their ugly heads and I feel weighed down all the more.

Hopefully I'll be able to set myself straight today, one more day off. I don't think I'll really try to write, I'll probably just try to concentrate on staying calm.
xhesika: (Default)
Good news, I may have a steady job waiting for me in C-bus. Bad news? The apprehension of telling my bosses. Lea is leaving, her last day is at the end of this month, she knew for a while that I wanted to get back to the city so she would understand. The rest of them? I trust no one in waterford.

On the more personal front: I keep reading too deeply into things. And I keep fighting with myself to not push people away, but I seem to be fighting by myself, I don't feel like I'm being met halfway and its disheartening.

My sister left a message on my FB about how I should come to texas, I'm really surprised I'm not taking a vacation actually. I feel like I need one to clear my head, but there's no time for that, not with the bar set so high and money needing to be put into savings. I think of texas and I think of a friend down there, one who always knows what to say to make me happy and teary and loved. She deserves the world. I just don't understand how some people can be so good about lifting people's spirits.

I want honesty even at the expense of my own feelings. And I want to work through things piece by piece. Is that unnatural?

I won't go to texas, no, I hold grudges better than I should and my sister has destroyed any hope of trust between us. With the events of the past year I can't even look at her without feeling slightly nauseated. The loss of my book brings back so many awful memories of her destroying the drafts page by page.

Oh well, a few days off and I have a couple of people I need to catch up with.

Trust

Jul. 6th, 2012 12:58 pm
xhesika: (Utena)
Feeling down again today, nowhere near as much as I have in the past month, but I'm slowly regressing back to that point.

The uncertainty--I hate it.

Robbie brought me more flowers today, yellow daisies because I liked the pink ones so much, and they seemed to last a lot longer than roses do.

We were talking earlier today when I was feeling down, he snuggled up in bed with me and we got on the subject of trust. I had forgotten about how much of an issue it was for us in the beginning, not really an issue per se, but it was something we talked about constantly, and it was also the basis of our "no i love you" rule.


I just wish I wouldn't feel like crap about everything. And I wish there were some sort of reassurance. And I wish that the littlest things wouldn't make me feel like crap.

To-day

Jul. 5th, 2012 02:11 pm
xhesika: (cereal)
So much running around already today, and work isn't going to be fun tonight because things weren't finished last night.

For the most part I've been doing a good job in keeping a lot of my comments to myself concerning Robbie's parents. its been a few months now that they've been home and I've been a good bunny. Of course I slipped up today at lunch, I didn't even realize until Robbie was looking at me. He wasn't even giving me the usual tight-lipped disappointment, it was more incredulous than anything else. Of course afterwards he understood that I meant it as just a general statement and then made the comment that it has been about three MONTHS since I've said anything like that to him.

He dropped his phone last night, and proved to me why I will never get an iphone, they're brittle and they don't do impact well at all. I'd been pestering him for the longest time to get a cover for his iphone to help keep it safe but he didn't listen. His screen is completely shattered, luckily there is a kiosk at the mall that will have it fixed in half an hour for just over eighty bucks.

I don't know how many times I've dropped my droid.

Having a couple panic attacks here and there. I'll go further into the 411 in a private entry.
xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
I feel like I'm running in circles here.

Samm's in New York currently, so I don't really have anyone to vent to until she comes home. Not really venting, just talk out how I'm feeling right now.

In the meantime I have a lot of thoughts to sort out. Most of them are why I keep letting myself get hurt. I didn't think I was this sensitive. Normally I'm not.
xhesika: (Utena)
I may need to go see someone again, they're very frequent again, and I've started waking up in screams again.
xhesika: (tealfashion)
Wow. Just wow.

First off, I don't even know about work at this point. Last week I was told that we couldn't get written up for case counts because no one ever reached 385, I turned in a paper with 628, and the load still wasn't finished. Lea was pissed.

On top of that, Kaitlyn brought her baby in last night and I got to see her. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to see her again before I left, I'm leery of asking how much more maternity leave she has, and I'm still uncertain of when we'll move.

Then we get home. This is the anniversary of Rob's Grandma's death and I wanted to go with him to the grave, his mother stands in the kitchen and tells him that it's the ugliest headstone in the cemetery, and hard to miss. With how screwy things are currently with his family, I can't help but grimace at remarks like that.

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xhesika

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