Inner Monologue

No Morpheus, but plenty of kick-ass GaGa...not naked tho, and certainly not dancing on the highway.

She hides in the zoo, in a hidden room below the lion's cage, in animal print vinyl dresses and black heels, but that day she was fighting a force she used to work for. A hidden evil in the bright city that she couldn't venture into anymore.

She hires people to help her decent into a 13 sub-basement lair to--she tells them--exact her revenge on the mob boss that outed her to the feds.

Its a Dante-esque journey for the group, each level has jungles, caverns, moonscapes, and monsters each more terrible than the last.

The final level, the 13th sub-floor, is vacant, and she sends her assassins to the terrace to confront her enemy, but she does not want to exact revenge, she wants to re-join, and she has sent the assassins to the wolves and they are killed immediately, offered as human sacrifice, payment for her entry.

She flees in a series of back exits as they scream for her, and she emerges from the lion's cage in a brisk strut, unhindered by the journey, looking fabulous, and ready to take on the city as she used to.

I approach her that night, at a cafe around a carousel. The city is booming in the dark night. She says not much as I ask to join her, only orders me a mojito with her and gestures to the chair.

I tell her her own story, and she knows that its hers, but she says nothing, then asks for mine.

"I have nothing, and here I am."

I don't know if its my eyesight or what, but I've been losing focus a lot more often. I don't think its my eyesight, the biggest reason being that I immedietly start to daydream and its becoming harder and harder to snap out of.

What's worse is that it doesn't happen when I'm sitting doing nothing, its started to happen when I'm out walking around and doing stuff. Of course when it happens and I'm sitting down I feel like I need to not only close my eyes, but also need to shake myself out of it.

On another note, Morpheus came back. For some reason I still have long hair in my dreams.

The first week we were here was taken up mostly by the trip up to Oscoda, which I did take many nice nature-y pictures which I will have to upload onto FB or put in an LJ cut. The picture quality on my new phone is much nicer than the last I had (which I did expect), but what made my day was the fact that despite us forgetting the internet MiFi verizon adapter, I still had internet wherever I got a cell phone signal, so I was able to keep in touch with people through texts.

I got my fishing license, I caught a fish, I learned how to clean a fish, but we couldn't eat them because they had lots and lots of worms. I also shot of a few guns, and I decided that my aim is terrible and I need something with little to no kickback, or a LOT of aim practice.

The night before last we managed to get Ryan over here for the night because Robbie needed to stay up to get his schedule back on track for work. Robbie fell asleep several times, but Ryan and I stayed up the whole night playing games. I also got re-situated with a copy of the Sims 2, which will be a nice outlet for a while (I'll get to why in a few).

So Ryan is grounded, and after talking with him for a little I'm actually more surprised that he isn't more grounded. He has a lot of self control for having to deal with everything that is going on with him right now, I don't think his dad really sees it, but I'm not a parent and I have no right to say anything really, but I do think that if Rick and Teresa knew what was going on they would have a lot more to say to their other children.

So about the MiFi really quick. It has a limit on kB/sec. MEANING, I can't skype call, I can't torrent, and I can't LiveStream here. In order to do any of those I need to go to Rick and Teresa's (who have wonderful internet BTW) and I feel rather awkward to go there and pull out my lappy. But w/e. Robbie has talked to his dad about adding internet onto his coverage and paying the difference, the problem is that it's satellite and will probably be buggy, but it's something.

About yesterday, being unemployed has started to set in, and me, with my already quite obvious issue with being useful, started to feel like crap...to the point where I wore myself out crying and then cried myself to sleep. It doesn't help that any of the things that I used to do to get myself out of a rut were impossible to do. And I'm getting teary just now thinking about it. There's no tea salons, no Samm to run around with, no skyping, I am feeling trapped. And to top it off I'm dreaming again. But no dreams with Morpheus, that might have been a comfort, I get the strange cryptic kind.

Of course regardless of the fact that I spent the last year and a half taking care of crazy patients and families of people who were dying, I am apparently not considered experienced in customer service and retail, so any job I apply for I don't have much hope in getting. This of course hasn't stopped me from applying anywhere I can. I really did have my eyes set on the new Charming Charlie, but I doubt I'll get a call from them. I just have to wait for some kind of response.

Robbie did have a good first day at work, he got out on time regardless of them being understaffed by 3 people, and said that the labor was handled much differently than it was in C-Bus. His shift isn't forced to do the work of the other shifts, and if they are running short the management isn't worried about conditioning to give the illusion of the shelves being full, they just want the product up there. So Robbie came home laughing and we talked for a while and then I looked at the clock (which at the time read 730 or so) and I told him that the people in C-Bus were probably still hard at work.

I just want a job, something to occupy myself with. Sims 2 will get old quick. I think I may pull out my paints and canvas today. We're supposed to go meet with the owner of the small grocery store down the street today, hopefully that will bring some good news.

I had a strange dream last night, it was one of the more vivid that I had  in a long time.

I had Persephone, and she followed me everywhere, per usual, and there was one other pet...a narwhal. a unicorn dolphin. that I kept in a small pond out back in my mini golf court.

iknorite?

So i get in trouble with PETA because the narwhal living conditions are not "up to code", they leave and the narwhal is all like, "I don't mind bro." and I am of course shocked because, holy shit its a narwhal, and holy shit its a talking narwhal. The narwhal gives me a map.

So suddenly I have groupies, a lot of people who want to go on this hunt for the treasure at the end of the map. So into the woods we go, I've got the map, and we make our way through a series of hollow trees to scale up and down the various levels of forest.

At the end is a big tree, sort of half there and hollowed out, and in the middle of it are two bundles of wood. I want to open the right one, but everyone else picks up the left one first and it FUCKING ATTACKS THEM.

But I'm cool with this and their all screaming and carrying on and I go and open up the right one. Inside is a blue binder shut with lots of red tape.

By this time the bundle of wood has stopped attacking the others, but they aren't trying to get my treasure, they're done snatching my shit.

When I finally get it open i see all these items that have had holes punched into them so that they could be stored inside. A book of dream symbols, a full deck of tarot cards, and all sorts of different small books on wicca.

no morpheus.

It was the last dream I had with him in it that I am certain it was him:

It was an obstacle course of sorts, we were rushing through a sort of underground tunnel with a handful of wooden stakes that we were pushing into holes in the ground. almost like a mine shaft really. we come across a wild pig of sorts, and his first argument is that it's dangerous and needs to be killed, but i want it as a pet, so he allows me to take it in, and we finish the race in 2nd or 3rd place. i don't remember which.

Then, one I had before the break in:

I feel asleep very briefly, and I was being attacked by a monster. a zombie looking thing was trying to eat me, and Morpheus was rushing over and screaming for me to wake up, trying to pry her off of me.

He looked just like Van Dean. I woke up and after that I didn't have a dream with him in it. I almost worry that he got hurt? They're only dreams though, but I still have to wonder. He didn't show up for any of my nightmares in the past week, he might have been there for all i know, he's taken other forms before, and now that I think about it I really do think he was there, just choosing not to make himself known.

The most recent:

A man covered in a burlap robe has two brown paper bags, and is in my back yard. He beckons me over and I look into one of the bags and there's penny! I pick her up out of it in a fit of smiles and laughs and snuggle her close.

I think that was Morpheus. I haven't dreamt since.

Morpheus and I are outside a friend's house. Not a close friend, well not close anymore, I'm closer to her father than anyone else anymore. But we're outside the house and across the street looking at it and it looks old and torn apart.

Morpheus tells me that it's had a series of break-ins over the past week, literally one every five to ten minutes (you'd think there would be nothing left to steal). So with this in mind, guess where we go?

The door is open when we go to it, and the family is there, but they haven't been staying there for very long periods of time at once. One of the sons says that they've been staying at his apartment. I don't even know where my friend is at this point, or her mother, all I see is the two boys, the father, and Morpheus beside me.

The father is sitting in the corner, looking broken, and staring into a small computer mouse in his hands.

I was going to go over to him to comfort him, but Morpheus holds my arm tight and keeps me back, "He's lost everything, he'll quickly snap."

And sure enough he does, and when he snaps I can no longer find the boys, it's just me and Morpheus in the room with a man that looks almost rabid.

I swear, I didn't touch my copy of Inferno before I went to bed. I've been immersed in Lolita for the past few days.

I wish I knew what mixture of food and rapture bullshit incited this dream:

Morpheus is pulling me along, there's a field next to a highway and along the highway--in nothing but a leather bra and underwear is Lady GaGa, dancing and singing her heart out.

Me: "Is that--?"

Morpheus: "Hay! We're over here!"

So GaGa sees Morpheus and apparently they know eachother.

GaGa: "Take your clothes off, its liberating!"

Me: "Uhm...we're along the highway."

Morpheus takes off his shirt at this point, and smiles at me.

GaGa: "Sometimes you have to just go for it!"

Of course I did eventually take off my clothes and joined GaGa and Morpheus, and it was glorious.

Me: "I've learned to just smile and nod to the crazies, so if I seem to just agree simply with what you say please don't take offense."
Morpheus: "..."
Me: "Oh wait. That's backwards, isn't it?"
Morpheus: "I don't know how to take that statement."
Me: "Articulate, aren't I?"
Morpheus: " More like cryptic."

...I've been working my way into a depression. I can't seem to shake it no matter how many times Cee Lo Green says Fuck You.

Normally I don't pay it any attention when I get these bouts, but when I actually sit and think about it, its always there.

Samm says, "Finish Artemis." Kyle says, "Finish Artemis." Now I have Kat saying, "Finish Artemis."

It used to be that I thought Morpheus would stop the visits if I finished, but that isn't the case at all it seems.

I'm nearing the final chapter of Book 1, and I have all of Book 2 to write before the story is over for  the reader (Book 3 will never be seen by the public), and while I have a ways to go I'm feeling almost broken.

I have a problem.

I feel like if I do finish Artemis I will be useless, no other story really entrances me.

And these thoughts take me to very dark places.

I need to take a walk.

The other night I came close to a sex dream. Now Morpheus is all butt-hurt over me saying no. Of course they're just dreams so I'm not all that bothered, except that I think I've come close before and stopped it.

So I'm constantly shooting down the guy in my dreams.

Then there's also the thing where I keep thinking that the relationship is strictly platonic-friend-type, but I know he's kissed me before in the dreams.

So I'm constantly shooting down the guy in my dreams.

The Batman dream still makes me giggle.