Inner Monologue

My last day at work is this Tuesday.

The power will shut off on Thursday.

I put Artemis on hiatus. I've been unable to write on it, I keep getting caught up on the fact that I lost so much of it, and I can't seem to get back into the writing groove. So I decided to make a sequel to Ritzko...rather three sequels. I re-named the first book The Final Comission of Bastian Freeman, and the whole series will be called the Ritzko Project. Each of the books will be in the same style as the first, but from another perspective. The second from Johnson's, the third from Gale, and the fourth from Jenna.

In the first sitting I was able to push out 13 pages, and it was strange, but after writing that I felt almost like I might be able to do some work on Artemis. So I opened up the document and although I was unable to write anything, its comforting that the feeling is coming back.

With that being said, Emily is back in town this week. I admittedly am using the move as an excuse to not see her because I still do associate her with anything bad that happens to Artemis after she vandalized the very first copy beyond repair. I've gone over my history with writing with Kory on Livestream and Skype several times, and its interesting how I'm noticing how fucked up it's been after I put everything out there. How somehow I manage to continue with something I like after Emily tears it all apart, and my Mother patronizes me at the dinner table...

The trouble with this is that I won't be able to spend much time with Samm before I leave.

It was the last night with some of the girls tonight. There are certainly a few I will miss, but there are a lot of them that I won't miss at all, and I don't expect to be missed by many in return...I don't really know a nice way to say it, but I almost feel indifferent. I'll miss connecting with patients.

Plans for a movie night with Tammi and the kids tonight, I've practically been living there for the past few weeks on my day off. The Haven is no longer the Haven, Robbie and I are on the move.

Ugh, I agreed to a dinner with my family at 6 tonight, hopefully it doesn't drag on too long tonight...and hopefully I don't get too sick from seeing Emily. I know it isn't her fault. I just never forgave her for that, and now I almost blame her for everything bad that happens to my writing...

Was nothing short of a nightmare, and it looks like its going to bleed into this week.

My house was broken into on the 21st, my family was out of the state for that whole week. The computers were stolen and even though they decided to tear out the speakers, headphones, keyboards, and microphones, they decided that they should just take all the jump drives that had Artemis saved on them. I still have Ritzko, I suppose that's a blessing in disguise. Luckily I had emailed most of Artemis Book 1 to myself to read at work, so I will only have to rewrite the last chapter and the afterword.

I managed to get through work without breaking down in front of my coworkers, but to tell the truth I did have a patient that I found crying at 5 am and I ended up sitting with him and bawling my eyes out right next to him.

My boss has been amazing through everything, however I haven't told her yet that Robbie and I do plan on moving back to Michigan. We're waiting on his job to transfer and we've worked the budget to allow us to live on his salary alone for as long as we need to (while I'm unemployed). I have only told one of my coworkers what happened, and only because she had her house broken into last summer and I felt was the only one who really understood what I was going through. The others know nothing, and I don't plan on telling them anything until I leave, if then.

I stayed at Tammi's house one night, I'll probably do a lot of crashing there this coming week, what was a 6-day stretch of time off has become an 8-day stretch because guess what? To top off the week, Robbie's grandmother passed this morning around 4, and the worst part is that I don't have the strength to cry anymore, even when something really warrants tears. I know how close he was to her, when he said she was back in the hospital with her usual UTI CHF, I figured she would be right as rain and back home when we moved up there. So I work tonight and took vacation for the next two days. Hopefully I can pick up some time around the hospital in the stretch to save up money.

Penelope is still missing, and her sister is all out stressed and lonely now. She cries a lot, can't keep down food, I'm worried about the both of them. So we're taking Persephone up to Michigan with us for the funeral because we don't want to leave her alone for too long, she snuggled up to me for most of last night. I have faith still that we will find Penny, the biggest reason being that we have posters all over the damn place that offer a reward of $100 for her return, along with a picture of her. To be honest, she should be easy to spot, her fur is longer than any other stray, and her coloring is rather unique. It makes me feel better when I see people I've never met combing the area for her, calling out for her, $100 is a small price to pay for her if it gets her home. I know Robbie is lonely without her.

One of the only good things that happened this past week was when my sister came home from vacation and set right all of the mess between me and my parents, she then proceeded to buy me a new laptop, which I am typing this on right now. I'm in the midst of recovering my lost music, but it looks like I may have to wait a bit to get my Sailor Moon replaced, which kinda sucks because I could really use a good laugh right about now. Artemis Book 1 is in its own little folder on here, but I haven't put much work into finishing it yet. I'm still a little numb from the whole experience.

I guess I should start getting cleaned up for work? I have a few hours still, but there is packing to be done if I plan on leaving in the morning for Michigan for the funeral.

Immediately following my mood swing this morning, I cut my hair.

Well just the front, the back still comes to below my waist, but I did trim the ends thoroughly.

So I've got some posh-katy-perry-ish thing going on which I'm pulling out my headband collection for, and I went to Charming Charlie and nearly died. That place is HEAVEN! SO gorgeous and shiny! I picked up a few headbands from there.

I need to open up a little, I find myself too timid most of the time, I need to just throw myself out there.

I also probably need to see a therapist. With all the dreams and everything going on right now as far as my frustration with work I think a checkup on my mental health wouldn't hurt. ESPECIALLY with the dreams. Morpheus is not letting up.

The hospital Wendy's got a new GM.

He's cracking down and cleaning house.

I now sit and watch the show.

I need to stop going to the hospital for coffee when I'm depressed because it brings down my whole mood to think of it when I go to write.

I can't seem to stop staring out the window, and I probably look incredibly forlorn right now.

Might be doing something with Samm tonight, couldn't say for sure at this point.

I don't know if I already posted this up here, I may have, but its a little more polished now, I'm darting around Chapter 50 and realizing that the story is just going to get depressing from this point on.

Also an interesting note: the "Haven" that Kamen keeps in order for the family and constantly offers to hide Artemis in, is referred to at least once as "Haven in Jannah". Jannah is the name of Celeste's forest, the center of which is said to contain the gates to the afterlife, making Jannah the forest of life and death. The reason why it was named "Jannah" in the first place is because it's an Arabic word for heaven. Heaven in the more Islamic sense, but its not so blatant a connection that any 13-year-old (who wasn't Muslim) could make, something that's become expected this far into the book.

( <Insert Cool Title Here> )

I miss my Ana. Really, really bad. I should take a trip to Chicago sometime. Maybe after we see Larry and Matt in Cleveland.

I still need to scope the Sushi Rock up there. I just wouldn't feel right doing it with out a Ferrari...better yet a Lotus.

Delia's finally decided to send me a catalog. Finally. You'd think I didn't spend too much money there as it is.

Wet Seal didn't have the heels in their store that I saw online. 4 inch with a cute strap across the top, and better made than what I have now.

I had 3 peach sangria with lunch, sober now (damnit!), even so I still probably shouldn't do any "work" work. I am still planning to jet to the timmy's to get some writing done.

I feel like I should be doing something. It isn't that I'm not, I've been doing a bit of writing since I got up today. Even posted a few full segments on my DA account. Full chapters and all, honestly I hadn't meant to go so long without any activity on there, I honestly thought I was updating it. Must have been a dream.

Speaking of dreams I haven't had one in a long while.

I want a baby. It got worse once I floated to the baby floor at the hospital. Newborn feet are the cutest thing evar!

I've pin-pointed my problem. I'm acting like I'm older than I am. I'm not running out of time at all. I just easily forget that I'm only 22. I think Robbie being 27 is what throws me off.

As far as writing goes I've been tackling something tricky. I knew I would have to do this but I hadn't realized just how difficult it would be. Lillaine is supposed to be a steady character in the story, while being dead. Of course the way I've done this so far is to make her the force that pushed Kamen and Artemis together, as well as give her and her brother a very close relationship. Kamen's entire family is dead, but other than seeking revenge for his father's murder, he really does think of his sister the most. Of course hilarity ensues because Lillaine was nuts.

( Lillaine's Influance )
After the whole incident with the raspberries its a wonder that they still find talking about size inappropriate. Other than that Artemis' description of him is pretty funny, "You look like you just came out of a war and killed everyone in it."

A lot's been happening lately, the past week has been a little crazy.

To start off I have been trying to get a job at the hospital as a PCA (Patient Care Assistant), while networking with customers at that hospital's Wendys. So far I have a ton of leads and references. While being a PCA isn't exactly a dream job, the catch is that the hospital is also a College of Nursing. Meaning after 6 months I would receive a discount to any and all classes offered. As well as amazing health insurance.

So there's that, and then there's my modeling.

Last Monday I had someone new come into the art class I model for. After the first session I did my usual round to see how everyone's works were coming along and I went to introduce myself to this new student.

New student hands me a card. Mike Siculan. A photographer. A published photographer and artist. After exchanging e-mails and later receiving an e-mail with a few examples of his work, he appears legit. I do want to look further into it before I give him an answer, so if anyone has any information on him, please let me know. It appears to be modeling in vintage clothing from the pictures I was sent, I am a little leery of it still.

Regardless, after hearing who he was and receiving the card I felt completely self-concious.

I am supposed to be picked up for day of events at 11, COSI first then I have no idea. JB's Dad is treating, and I haven't been to COSI in ages. Plus I am going to want to take Robbie there some time and I figured I should check it out before I drag him there, last I checked it sucked hardcore.