Inner Monologue

I need to just stop. I need to distance myself from things that make me feel conflicted and hurt. I don't even know why I feel hurt this time, but for some reason...

I know I can't just keep glossing over. I'm so tired of fighting this alone. I'm so tired of being told one thing and then...

Unrelated: Samm won't be moving in with us, not immediately at least. I'm not that worried about it, I'll still see her a lot. Her car is having trouble and she needs to be on a bus line for class.

Robbie keeps trying to ease my anxiety about everything, and things are better now that his parents are gone for a little, but my thoughts are still really heavy and I don't have anyone to talk to about them.

Everything seems to be backfiring, and I just keep paddling through it for very few reasons.

I wish I could at least be met halfway, I really do feel like I'm fighting this alone.

Can't really help what I feel, and I'm not going to try to cover it up or bullshit around it.

I'm honest, I pride myself on that. I don't need to lie.

Remembering my mantras.

Yesterday, and last night, and today.

I was finally able to talk to someone and it felt like old times, comfy-cozy, I love it. It made me genuinely happy.

Then work was a little hectic, it doesn't help that everyone I work with seems to rely on the union for everything. I don't like it when my points are proven, especially not when the point I'm making isn't something I'm happy to see.

I think I signed a waiver about my job tho...so I can't sit here and rant about how much I hate the unions.

ANY-who, I'm supposed to be doing a 12h+ livestream later? That's the only way I can get large amounts of footage of me working onto the computer for editing movies and sending to friends in C-bus.

So I'm really going to be just carrying around my laptop everywhere.

Also, new boots! Like my old ones, with lots of tread and low heel. They still need to be broken in tho.

And failing to care? I'm not sure if there's an easy way to describe it, but I don't hurt as much anymore when I'm pushed aside.

The last few weeks have been emotional and rough for me. I got incredibly attached to my boss, I never intended too, I don't find people I like that much around here often. I went to work on her last day and found that her last day had been the night before. it hurt a little, but I guess she didn't even know about it. I had a slight breakdown then, I think I realized then how attached I get. I never used to do that, I used to distance myself and live in the moment. I need to start doing that again.

Robbie saved the day the next night? I was feeling down and he got her number from one of the guys and gave it to me. We've been texting at work since. The constant texting at work has helped keep me out of so many break downs. I can't even begin to say how thankful I am.

I miss Tammi. How is it I always become friends with my bosses?

Tuesday I think it was, Robbie and I gave our bosses our notices. We will be moving in October. We will be transferring to the city. We will start living again.

And I am going to write Artemis again. I'll muster all my courage to write that last chapter, and then I'm moving onto Book 2. I can do it.

Rob's parents are gone for the next two-three weeks. This means that I can eat. This means that I can play music loud and scream and sing. I forgot how happy cooking makes me.

Ryan tried to commit suicide the other night. Rob's nephew, the one we usually have come over, took a handful of vicodin and a few others and was rushed to the hospital. Of course because there is no such thing as privacy in this family everyone knew about it instantly. I'm not even going to get into how angry Robbie and I are over the way Ryan's parents reacted. I certainly don't think saying that Ryan should have more of the charcoal to teach him a lesson in front of a SOCIAL WORKER is a good thing.

We have before extended the invitation to C-bus to Ryan, and we did it again, even as just an escape, some way out of this desolate town. I can't stand seeing people trapped living situations that make them miserable.

Myself, I'm teetering in-between everything. I re-visited the ultimatum I gave myself at the beginning of the year. i have until the end of the year to decide if its what I want, but if my writing keeps going like it has been for the first half of the year I don't see much of a choice. I guess that whole bit is the reason why I take so much concerning my writing personal.

I've slowly been learning to shut down my emotions when I see something upsetting or offensive. It's helping me move away from those things. I don't know if I'll blow up after a while or fall apart again, but at this point there isn't much else I can do.

C'est la vie.

I never used to get attached like this. Last night was terrible--I felt terrible through all of it. Just no strength left and for the first few hours I had a hard time not completely breaking down. I'm mostly angry at myself when everything is said and done, angry that I did nothing when I had the chance, and upset that I'll never have another chance.

Above all, I wish I wouldn't have gotten so attached. I'm the one that's going to be leaving soon, I shouldn't allow myself to get attached to people like this.

I'm all sorts of thankful for Shelby, I can never understand how she manages to make me feel completely better with just a few words. She radiates positive energy I think.

I need a vacation or something. Talking to Samm and Tammi would help bunches too.

Slowly starting to feel overwhelmed again. I don't know what I want to do, or why I feel like this. I'm chalking it up to an episode, maybe a nervous breakdown, and hoping it'll pass.

I want to take a vacation, maybe never come back, take Robbie away with me and run away to hide in India or something. Pipe dreams.

Apparently I've been crying in my sleep again, I can barely remember the dreams though. One of them I was pregnant.

I was thinking back to C-bus, about Tammi and the kids. I miss them. I miss everyone there.

I was off last night and spent a lot of time relaxing and watching movies. I haven't done a lot of writing, haven't felt particularly motivated. I'm wondering if I should take a break from it, although technically I've been on a break from it for the past month and a half. I don't look at my desktop as often as I should, I forget that I've plastered it with mantras, things I tell myself over and over when I meditate or feel sad.

My insecurities keep rearing their ugly heads and I feel weighed down all the more.

Hopefully I'll be able to set myself straight today, one more day off. I don't think I'll really try to write, I'll probably just try to concentrate on staying calm.

Feeling down again today, nowhere near as much as I have in the past month, but I'm slowly regressing back to that point.

The uncertainty--I hate it.

Robbie brought me more flowers today, yellow daisies because I liked the pink ones so much, and they seemed to last a lot longer than roses do.

We were talking earlier today when I was feeling down, he snuggled up in bed with me and we got on the subject of trust. I had forgotten about how much of an issue it was for us in the beginning, not really an issue per se, but it was something we talked about constantly, and it was also the basis of our "no i love you" rule.


I just wish I wouldn't feel like crap about everything. And I wish there were some sort of reassurance. And I wish that the littlest things wouldn't make me feel like crap.

I feel like I'm running in circles here.

Samm's in New York currently, so I don't really have anyone to vent to until she comes home. Not really venting, just talk out how I'm feeling right now.

In the meantime I have a lot of thoughts to sort out. Most of them are why I keep letting myself get hurt. I didn't think I was this sensitive. Normally I'm not.

Wow. Just wow.

First off, I don't even know about work at this point. Last week I was told that we couldn't get written up for case counts because no one ever reached 385, I turned in a paper with 628, and the load still wasn't finished. Lea was pissed.

On top of that, Kaitlyn brought her baby in last night and I got to see her. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to see her again before I left, I'm leery of asking how much more maternity leave she has, and I'm still uncertain of when we'll move.

Then we get home. This is the anniversary of Rob's Grandma's death and I wanted to go with him to the grave, his mother stands in the kitchen and tells him that it's the ugliest headstone in the cemetery, and hard to miss. With how screwy things are currently with his family, I can't help but grimace at remarks like that.