Inner Monologue

Did some editing on my days off, which is good, I always feel happy after editing.

We're coming up on a monster chapter, the first climax of the book. Both Bastian and David were written with two climaxes, one in the middle, and then one at the end. Gale has a lot more, I should actually go through and count them to be honest, but Jenna is only going to have one because of all the building up to it that has to happen.

So my editor, Kory, and I are sitting around after finishing up Chapter 25, I'm working on Jenna, and she's moving onto Chapter 26 when she all of a sudden goes wide-eyed and weepy.

Before I go on I'll have to tell you something about what is going on in Jenna. Jenna meets Adam, and the two of them hit it off well, I'm going to be weaving in some really demure and simple sweet stuff, but because Jenna is not a sexual character by any means, and is a driven, strong heroine she does not need a man, nor does she get one by the end of the book. All that aside Kory ships them like her OTP, because Gale and Ritz are...kinda messed up when you get into them, and Jenna and Adam are the only pairing that is really understandable.

So Kory found something that Bastian says, and although he doesn't realize who he's saying it about, he's talking about Adam, and the comment he makes is incredibly cold. It was enough for my editor to run to the freezer and pull out a pint of ice cream for about fifteen minutes while I promised that I would write short stories post-Jenna for her.

So while I'm really rather proud of the fact that I was able to basically put my editor into an emotional-ice cream eating coma for a little just based on characters that she's only read about through Bastian (anything she knows about the other books is through ideas that I've bounced off her, she's saving the other books for when she gets to them in the editing process.) I'm not looking forward to when she gets to Jenna and starts getting mad at me for how cynical Jenna is.

But she gets that from her brother really.

In the meantime, I'm having a blast writing again, I need to buckle down and edit the other books in short segments between chapters I think. I shouldn't hold off on writing for so long ever again like I did with this book, it feels too good to write.

"This is the noise that keeps me awake, my head explodes and my body aches."

For the month of December I'm supposed to be taking a break from writing. I feel a little empty about it with all things considered, I've gotten into the habit of just tapping away at a document whenever I can that I feel strange not working on anything.

So instead I'm looking over the two books that I pushed out over the past two months. I decided to start with Gale since I seem to be in the swing of things. Well its going okay enough...but the more I look at this book the more I realize I wrote something completely heart-wrenching.

The basic idea of the book is to show how the villain became what he is, and ORIGINALLY the idea was that the biggest cause was the relationships Gale had with Marley and Mary, and how somehow it became warped into something with Adam...now looking at it, I think it was really Ritz. How awful.

It had been raining, something that I had long since shrugged off. I could not catch any illness from the rain, it was merely the smallest of hindrances, but Renée came out of her small apartment with an umbrella as if I were about to fall over.

“Monsieur DeWinter, you will catch your death!” She rushed over to me with the umbrella, coughing on her own the entire way over to me in the downpour.

“If only.” I said slowly. She smiled at me, and I could not help but smile back, happy that she seemed to have either forgiven me or forgotten entirely about our conversation the night prior. Either way, I was glad that she was not cross with me. “I am melting,” I managed.

“I can see that.” She took my arm and began to pull me towards her door.

“Not in the physical sense.”

It's sweet, adorable, Gale's been shut off from most everything up until this point in his life and now he's slowly experiencing emotions and is wonderfully unaware of how to show them or relay them to others. So Ritz saves him, right? Gives him a new lease on life, right?

I'm bordering more now on the idea that Ritz damned him. With all the running around the world the two do in trying to stay away from Marley and Mary, Gale ends up becoming even more twisted. So I now look at this story as something awful and tragic, how Gale and Ritz become hardened and manipulative.

I knew this was going to happen, I don't think I ever saw the story THIS way though.

When I wrote Bastian a year ago I didn't mean for my characters to become this complex...I think that's why I didn't care much for it then.

After visiting the hospital tonight I've realized a few things about the spot I'm at right now.

I'm in a position where I have been able to do the thing I love and be supported by someone I love. I may go nuts and bored and want a job every now and again, but in the end I'm very happy with being able to write like I love to.

So we're in C-Bus for the weekend, Robbie is leaving tomorrow to go further south for a few days, I meanwhile am staying in the city to visit with family and friends. When we return to Waterford we have the luxury of having the house all to ourselves. We did shopping before leaving, so I am extra interested in all the delicious things that I am going to cook.

Also, 10k into my NaNo project, Gale, and suddenly the story is deviating into much more passionate territory than I had originally planned. I guess I'll never be able to completely control my characters.

Also also, am I the only one who truly believes that FB needs to come down? I know ANON rumors are all over, but it would be nice to show the larger corporations and bigwigs that people in general can still twist the screws.

I had another interview tonight, this time at meijer's, in a different department than Robbie, but that was what I wanted anyways. Also not a cashier position, so yay. It went well, Robbie came home for lunch and said that Steph, the manager had stated that I'm pretty much a sure thing for the job, they just have to wait for my background check to come back and get me set up with one last interview as a formality.

So yay!

In the meantime, NaNoWriMo is coming up. Originally I had planned to try for a book with seven chapters, basically about a motel through 7 days of the week and the people who stay there. So more of a compilation of interwoven short stories. I have since changed my mind. David is going to be finished by November, I've got the ending worked out in my mind and the plots for the next book in place. I plan on moving on to Gale for NaNoWriMo.

I'm excited to do this, I can't remember ever reading a book from the villain's POV.

In the meantime I think Bastian may be under control, or getting back under control. Things are looking up, but the publication has still been pushed back to after the new year, which is okay with me.

Looking to go to C-Bus on the 5th and 6th of November as well. Robbie is going further south to see friends, and I'mma be crashing at my parent's for those days and visiting with my sister. I need to give Tammi a call so I can crash and give her the presents I've been collecting for her, LOL.

I love that Robbie listens to just as much Maroon 5 as I do...for slightly different reasons, but still!

Its on hold for now, and due to reasons out of my control will not be ready for publication by Christmas.

Just trying to stay positive and keep pushing forward.

Robbie took me for coffee this morning, then we drove around.

We went looking at houses mostly, the nice ones, big houses that you'd like to fill for Christmas.

I don't know what happened. It never happened before, but I started feeling absolutely terrible, achy throat and welled up eyes terrible, and at first I didn't know what was wrong, at first I didn't understand why I was so upset all of a sudden doing something I used to like. I broke down once or twice, Robbie was completely confused, and I know I cry a lot these days and he's probably seen more than his share of it.

I talked about my grandparents a little. Memories of things we used to do when I was little and they had the house in Findlay.  Stargazing with my grandma. My grandpa's very recent stroke, that made me cry again.

Eventually I understood why I was so upset over the houses. Before, no matter how extravagant it was, nothing seemed out of reach. Not a million dollar home, not the world, anything was possible. Now I don't feel that hope, and no matter how many times I told myself, "finish writing your books, finish editing, get back on track" nothing seemed to help.

When I did figure out what made me upset, Robbie had me tell him, and I think he liked the reason even less than me actually crying.

I think I may actually need an anti-depressant of some sort. I may need to actually seek help about this, because I can't seem to pull myself out of this. I just keep snuggling up in bed and crying over sections of Artemis.

I think right now it helps even less that Robbie keeps throwing out completely Covington phrases.

Kory: “I don’t know, the way it’s written makes me think he’s going upstairs.”

Me: “Yeah, gimme a sec, I gots this.”

Kory: “Unless he’s Spiderman and going up the side.”

Me: “~Bas-ti-an, Bas-ti-an, does whatever a spider can!~”