What's missing now.
Sep. 29th, 2011 09:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xhesikaRobbie took me for coffee this morning, then we drove around.
We went looking at houses mostly, the nice ones, big houses that you'd like to fill for Christmas.
I don't know what happened. It never happened before, but I started feeling absolutely terrible, achy throat and welled up eyes terrible, and at first I didn't know what was wrong, at first I didn't understand why I was so upset all of a sudden doing something I used to like. I broke down once or twice, Robbie was completely confused, and I know I cry a lot these days and he's probably seen more than his share of it.
I talked about my grandparents a little. Memories of things we used to do when I was little and they had the house in Findlay. Stargazing with my grandma. My grandpa's very recent stroke, that made me cry again.
Eventually I understood why I was so upset over the houses. Before, no matter how extravagant it was, nothing seemed out of reach. Not a million dollar home, not the world, anything was possible. Now I don't feel that hope, and no matter how many times I told myself, "finish writing your books, finish editing, get back on track" nothing seemed to help.
When I did figure out what made me upset, Robbie had me tell him, and I think he liked the reason even less than me actually crying.
I think I may actually need an anti-depressant of some sort. I may need to actually seek help about this, because I can't seem to pull myself out of this. I just keep snuggling up in bed and crying over sections of Artemis.
I think right now it helps even less that Robbie keeps throwing out completely Covington phrases.
We went looking at houses mostly, the nice ones, big houses that you'd like to fill for Christmas.
I don't know what happened. It never happened before, but I started feeling absolutely terrible, achy throat and welled up eyes terrible, and at first I didn't know what was wrong, at first I didn't understand why I was so upset all of a sudden doing something I used to like. I broke down once or twice, Robbie was completely confused, and I know I cry a lot these days and he's probably seen more than his share of it.
I talked about my grandparents a little. Memories of things we used to do when I was little and they had the house in Findlay. Stargazing with my grandma. My grandpa's very recent stroke, that made me cry again.
Eventually I understood why I was so upset over the houses. Before, no matter how extravagant it was, nothing seemed out of reach. Not a million dollar home, not the world, anything was possible. Now I don't feel that hope, and no matter how many times I told myself, "finish writing your books, finish editing, get back on track" nothing seemed to help.
When I did figure out what made me upset, Robbie had me tell him, and I think he liked the reason even less than me actually crying.
I think I may actually need an anti-depressant of some sort. I may need to actually seek help about this, because I can't seem to pull myself out of this. I just keep snuggling up in bed and crying over sections of Artemis.
I think right now it helps even less that Robbie keeps throwing out completely Covington phrases.