Inner Monologue

I've been trying to think about what I did to soften the blow the last time I up and moved.

I've come to the conclusion that the last time that I did this, when I was moving up to Michigan to live with Robbie the first time, I was leaving a life that I wasn't really happy with. This time, despite everything that's happened, I realize that I really was happy. I really liked being stable. It wasn't like I was going from being stable to being unstable like I am now.

I guess I've come too far this time. Going to fall pretty hard I guess.

Was nothing short of a nightmare, and it looks like its going to bleed into this week.

My house was broken into on the 21st, my family was out of the state for that whole week. The computers were stolen and even though they decided to tear out the speakers, headphones, keyboards, and microphones, they decided that they should just take all the jump drives that had Artemis saved on them. I still have Ritzko, I suppose that's a blessing in disguise. Luckily I had emailed most of Artemis Book 1 to myself to read at work, so I will only have to rewrite the last chapter and the afterword.

I managed to get through work without breaking down in front of my coworkers, but to tell the truth I did have a patient that I found crying at 5 am and I ended up sitting with him and bawling my eyes out right next to him.

My boss has been amazing through everything, however I haven't told her yet that Robbie and I do plan on moving back to Michigan. We're waiting on his job to transfer and we've worked the budget to allow us to live on his salary alone for as long as we need to (while I'm unemployed). I have only told one of my coworkers what happened, and only because she had her house broken into last summer and I felt was the only one who really understood what I was going through. The others know nothing, and I don't plan on telling them anything until I leave, if then.

I stayed at Tammi's house one night, I'll probably do a lot of crashing there this coming week, what was a 6-day stretch of time off has become an 8-day stretch because guess what? To top off the week, Robbie's grandmother passed this morning around 4, and the worst part is that I don't have the strength to cry anymore, even when something really warrants tears. I know how close he was to her, when he said she was back in the hospital with her usual UTI CHF, I figured she would be right as rain and back home when we moved up there. So I work tonight and took vacation for the next two days. Hopefully I can pick up some time around the hospital in the stretch to save up money.

Penelope is still missing, and her sister is all out stressed and lonely now. She cries a lot, can't keep down food, I'm worried about the both of them. So we're taking Persephone up to Michigan with us for the funeral because we don't want to leave her alone for too long, she snuggled up to me for most of last night. I have faith still that we will find Penny, the biggest reason being that we have posters all over the damn place that offer a reward of $100 for her return, along with a picture of her. To be honest, she should be easy to spot, her fur is longer than any other stray, and her coloring is rather unique. It makes me feel better when I see people I've never met combing the area for her, calling out for her, $100 is a small price to pay for her if it gets her home. I know Robbie is lonely without her.

One of the only good things that happened this past week was when my sister came home from vacation and set right all of the mess between me and my parents, she then proceeded to buy me a new laptop, which I am typing this on right now. I'm in the midst of recovering my lost music, but it looks like I may have to wait a bit to get my Sailor Moon replaced, which kinda sucks because I could really use a good laugh right about now. Artemis Book 1 is in its own little folder on here, but I haven't put much work into finishing it yet. I'm still a little numb from the whole experience.

I guess I should start getting cleaned up for work? I have a few hours still, but there is packing to be done if I plan on leaving in the morning for Michigan for the funeral.

Immediately following my mood swing this morning, I cut my hair.

Well just the front, the back still comes to below my waist, but I did trim the ends thoroughly.

So I've got some posh-katy-perry-ish thing going on which I'm pulling out my headband collection for, and I went to Charming Charlie and nearly died. That place is HEAVEN! SO gorgeous and shiny! I picked up a few headbands from there.

I need to open up a little, I find myself too timid most of the time, I need to just throw myself out there.

I also probably need to see a therapist. With all the dreams and everything going on right now as far as my frustration with work I think a checkup on my mental health wouldn't hurt. ESPECIALLY with the dreams. Morpheus is not letting up.

Rob: "So my first manager called me and asked me to come in and I explained that I'm out of state and unable to work like this. Then [his other boss] calls me--drunk off his ass--and tells me that they had to fire [the guy that threatened Robbie], AND two other people quit in the same night."
Me: "So how many people are there tonight?"
Rob: "Three, looks like the entire grocery staff is down to four total so I'm going to be getting a lot of overtime this week. Sorry if I seem tired this week."
Me: "It's okay, have fun tomorrow."
Rob: "Enjoy your zombie apocalypse."
Me: "I got the shotgun and a beer next to me."

I totally do, just for shits and giggles.

What? I like to be ridiculous sometimes.

I need to stop going to the hospital for coffee when I'm depressed because it brings down my whole mood to think of it when I go to write.

I can't seem to stop staring out the window, and I probably look incredibly forlorn right now.

Might be doing something with Samm tonight, couldn't say for sure at this point.

...I've been working my way into a depression. I can't seem to shake it no matter how many times Cee Lo Green says Fuck You.

Normally I don't pay it any attention when I get these bouts, but when I actually sit and think about it, its always there.

Samm says, "Finish Artemis." Kyle says, "Finish Artemis." Now I have Kat saying, "Finish Artemis."

It used to be that I thought Morpheus would stop the visits if I finished, but that isn't the case at all it seems.

I'm nearing the final chapter of Book 1, and I have all of Book 2 to write before the story is over for  the reader (Book 3 will never be seen by the public), and while I have a ways to go I'm feeling almost broken.

I have a problem.

I feel like if I do finish Artemis I will be useless, no other story really entrances me.

And these thoughts take me to very dark places.

I need to take a walk.

My meeting on Wednesday went well, of course then I got home exhausted because I hadn't slept yet, and immediately had another dream. Now they're coming faster and more often, but I'm not scared anymore. I think I just needed someone to tell me it wasn't malicious.

So there's that, and then there's the rest of it. While its nothing bad and I was told that there is apparently no evil spirit around me at all, the woman I talked to does NOT think that this is anyone who has crossed over, or even an angel. Still not afraid though, of course the three dreams that I've had since last Wednesday were the usual Sisyphean tasks, but they weren't anything that made me wake up crying. They were more the Captain Hook sort.

That being said, I don't think I'll be posting many more dreams online here, they've become a little too personal to just throw out there unless I find them either particularly amusing or revelatory. I'm quickly finding that whatever it is that is invading my dreams is quickly becoming a friend.

I have an appointment with Brenda Frazier this Wednesday, she was referred to me by someone at work, and although I know that interpreting dreams may not be her specialty, I feel like even if she can give me some sort of insight to the spirit world I'll feel a little less terrified of my dreams. Then there's also the worry that half an hour may not be enough, in which case I might actually make a second appointment if I'm satisfied with how she manages things.

Either way I know that I'm long overdue for seeing someone about these dreams, I shouldn't have waited for them to get so frequent. I'm just glad that the more creepy ones have died down, the whole ordeal with the Tiffany's and the swimming dream were a little too much for me.

I'm more worried that I'm drifting back into old habits and ways of thinking and I can't justify not. I guess some things are too private for even a journal that no one reads.

Another worrying revelation: she'll probably be able to sense my growing despondence.

I've gotten dresses there before, I know the size I'm supposed to fit there since their sizes run small, but that didn't stop me from hearing a small rip when I tried to pull it over my chest.

I haven't even been eating the sesame seeds.

I haven't been to sleep yet, and I really don't want to either. It isn't that I'm not tired, I just spent ten minutes shuffling through my music because I wanted to listen to Goldfrapp and I couldn't remember where "G" was in the alphabet. I could listen to my dramatic reading of "My Immortal" and not lose and brain cells. I'm that fried right now.

I had come to the conclusion that I would wait a few weeks to see this psychic that was recommended, and I still plan to, but it's going to be harder to put off. Because I came to realize that I've been putting off sleep more and more every day, and I even pick up hours at work to avoid it. I started sleeping with a teddy bear again. And the worst of it is that in the past the dreams were more intense when it was that time of the month. Used to be that if I was off my period and Robbie was in bed beside me I could sleep easy, but the last few dreams broke all those hopes...

So its that time again. I feel like I'm going to fall face-first into my keyboard.

If I at least knew that they were nothing, just weird dreams, that would be enough. Every time I try to shrug them off they come back stronger.