Today

Apr. 4th, 2012 08:41 pm
xhesika: (RedBaron)
They came back, thankfully I haven't seen much of them.

So the cat. When we had talked to them on the phone about their cat, Tucker, they had said that he had cataracts in one eye. I did a little research and found that cataracts in cats are not common and are caused by infections. Seeing as how Tucker had a raging infection for a year prior to us moving in that was leaking from his jaw out his eye, I assumed that he got it because of the infection. Cataracts aren't contagious, so I'm not worried about Persephone too much. We had still planned on taking her to the vet in a week or two to make sure.

So they get here and basically we get that they never took Tucker to the vet and decided that they assumed they were cataracts. Because if you're bringing a sick cat into contact with another cat its best to assume that they don't have anything contagious, right? Its not like Persephone already caught diseases from their cat.

o wait.

Thankfully, I have a job now and it won't be like before their trip when I was stuck here all night with them in the house. Persephone has already shown distaste with everyone who has returned so she'll most likely be keeping to the room here, which is good because I keep her food in here and there's an adjoined bathroom with her litter there. So we can spend time in here together and it encourages her to snuggle up with Robbie and I at night.

On the non-writing side, I've been sleeping a little more and re-reading a few books. I'm thinking of pulling out Sailor Moon and watching all 200 episodes over again, dubs and subs, someone on Tumblr mentioned that they found it helped with optimism. I haven't pulled out the games, but as I recall I have an entire village of gay lumberjacks on the Sims.

I still don't really feel like talking to anyone, luckily my job leaves me on my own most of the time, and Robbie's been very cuddly and supportive otherwise.

Adding to the list of people I'm disappointed with in my life, I know she didn't mean for it to happen, and I'm sure that it slipped out, but Samm told my mother I was moving back to Ohio. I'm not thrilled.

I'm waiting for a callback from Kerry, I need to set up something with her on a private pay basis at least until I can get the insurance fixed.

Tumble

Mar. 15th, 2012 07:49 am
xhesika: (RedBaron)
So after all the trouble I went through telling my mother about my diagnosis and attempting to get her help with the insurance, she sends me an e-mail saying the doctor wouldn't do it and sends me a list of doctors to look into. I'm sure she's trying to help, but it just seems like yet another let down. And I've never actually had a primary care doctor, not even growing up, so I really have nothing to go on.

My parents are all sorts of disappoint.

In the meantime, I noticed that I'm starting to do it again. The last time we lived up here I had a hard time, I got really cynical and...just a complete bitch, I remember really really hurting Robbie over it, I'm glad he doesn't remember. We got into a small argument last night and I couldn't help but think that it was just like the last time. I was having Robbie put the lappies in the safe and he made the comment, "at least when my parents get home we won't have to worry about locking up the lappies." To which I said, "your parents are the REASON we have to lock up our lappies." Yeah, he got pretty curt over that, but at the same time I know he agrees, the problem is that my comments like that are constant, and I really can't help it.

Had an appointment with Kerry yesterday, we're trying to work out a private-pay while I work on insurance shyte. She's worried about me not being in therapy when Robbie's parents come home, and to be honest, I am as well.

I'm going to spend the day with Tammi this Sunday, hopefully that will help.

xhesika: (cooking gaga)
The chick at H&R hasn't filed our state taxes yet apparently, we were told that she would give us a call when they were done so that we could come and pay for them, there was some kind of trouble because they didn't have the forms for people coming from out of state? IDK. Seems like something a place that specializes in tax returns would have on hand, but w/e. There IS a reason why they give legal guarantees.

In the meantime, my federal came and of course the brunt of it is going into savings. I did however get Robbie his lappy! Yayness, something to occupy us when his parents get back. Of course Robbie is refusing to tell his parents and would rather wait until they returned to see it for themselves, if they say anything at all. He said something about his father not understanding the terms "investment", "savings", and "long-term goals".

Working tonight, but not too worried about it because I'm going to be painting walls rather than stocking shelves.  A nice break from the usual.

Oh, and I'm probably not going to be able to continue with Kerry. Not by choice. Apparently my insurance company changed their mind on whether or not they would cover the appointments. Of course they wait until I'm diagnosed with a legitimate illness and then say "oh well, you're aetna affiliated, but you're not part of the mount carmel trinity health system, so we won't help." Its bullshit, why is it that the insurance covers my sister's hematologist, but won't cover my appointments then?

Don't know what'll happen yet, I have an appt. tomorrow and we'll see what happens from there. Figures, I find a doctor I like and I can't use her.

xhesika: (tealfashion)
I don't think getting back to Artemis would hurt so much if the content didn't hit so close to home now. I remember writing the absolute devastation of the characters in those final moments and finding myself in tears because of how powerful the ending was. I don't think I'll be able to ever write an ending to rival it. I opened up the document, set on just barreling through, but I've only written about two hundred words, and none of it information vital to the story line. I guess I still need some time.

Yesterday was good, despite the ending. We were all woken in the early hours of the day to a woman pounding on the door screaming fire and instantly everyone is thinking, "holy shit the house is on fire." Matt had been sleeping on the floor and I guess he has rug burns from where he rolled onto his stomach and started doing the army crawl while half asleep (lol). It turns out the house next door was on fire, and so the guys got their shemogs soaked and used them as breathing masks while they banged one doors.

The house had too have been burning for hours, you could see fire in the basement and there was black smoke everywhere, luckily the 90 year old man who lived there is apparently in the hospital, he has dementia, diabetes, and a few other things I think, so he wouldn't have been able to get out of the house very quickly had he been in there.

The fire department took over ten minutes to get there, and they ended up having to come back 4 times throughout the day. Apparently the whole first floor is burned out. The whole house is boarded up now, they think the fire started in the basement. Of course we all have an idea of what happened, but no one knows the exact cause right now.

We had delicious pancakes for breakfast, and chai lattes, and watched movies and did a little running around. The day was prime until the end. We went to visit a friend of Matt and Robbie's who has pancreatitis and is getting a spleen removal on the 29th. I actually started to feel dizzy when Robbie started talking about last June, and by the time we got out of the house on the way to the car I couldn't focus my eyes on anything. I don't want to know how wrecked I looked, apparently it was enough for Robbie to understand what was going on when we were on our way out the door. We ended up coming home and leaving Matt in the living room while Robbie and I laid in bed for a while.

I told him everything, didn't hold back on anything that I was thinking.

I'm still a little teary. I hate this so much. I'm falling apart physically now. I've had to wear my wrist in a splint for the past week, only able to take it off long enough to do dishes and shower, I've had to sleep in it. My wrist started hurting at work the other night and it got to the point where I had to stop for a while, the splint was instant relief. I need to see a doctor about it. I don't want to depend on the splint, already when I take it off I can see the weaker and disheveled looking imprint of it on my arm...it reminds me of those holocaust pictures.

Its harder to sleep all night, I don't have an appatite, and the dreams keep waking me up. To top it off my parents are pestering me about coming to see me and I just don't want to see them. I still feel like they completely abandoned me when I needed them the most, because, well, they did.

I have an appointment at 11 with Kerry, we'll see how I feel after that.

Strangely enough, still one of the better V-Day's I've had.

xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe depression. Currently my therapist is convinced there's no need for medication, however, she's also worried that I may be repressing a lot of older memories on top of everything else.

Its weird, because I used to see therapists for depression when I was younger, and they would schedule me for visits once a month, she's pretty adamant about me getting in once a week at the least. Her name is Kerry, and she's very nice.

I think the worst part is when she tells me I'm justified, that I have every right to cry, I'd really rather her tell me I'm crazy and its all in my head. At least then I could push it away and move on.

In the meantime I have a doctor telling me I shouldn't see my parents if I don't feel up to it. Its really weird to be reinforced on that front.

I talked with Robbie briefly about the diagnosis, our relationship seems to have been on edge up until now, its relaxed more since I talked with him, getting back to our comfy zone.

I feel a lot better since seeing her this week, I'll be going again next week too. For the first time in months I feel like I'm going to make it to my birthday.

Now to try to regain that 18 pounds...

Psychotic dreams need to quit it too, suddenly I'm dreaming again and I just wake up in cold sweats, thoroughly disturbed. Won't be posting the dreams up here any time soon, although will be talking to Kerry about them.

xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
Robbie took me for coffee this morning, then we drove around.

We went looking at houses mostly, the nice ones, big houses that you'd like to fill for Christmas.

I don't know what happened. It never happened before, but I started feeling absolutely terrible, achy throat and welled up eyes terrible, and at first I didn't know what was wrong, at first I didn't understand why I was so upset all of a sudden doing something I used to like. I broke down once or twice, Robbie was completely confused, and I know I cry a lot these days and he's probably seen more than his share of it.

I talked about my grandparents a little. Memories of things we used to do when I was little and they had the house in Findlay.  Stargazing with my grandma. My grandpa's very recent stroke, that made me cry again.

Eventually I understood why I was so upset over the houses. Before, no matter how extravagant it was, nothing seemed out of reach. Not a million dollar home, not the world, anything was possible. Now I don't feel that hope, and no matter how many times I told myself, "finish writing your books, finish editing, get back on track" nothing seemed to help.

When I did figure out what made me upset, Robbie had me tell him, and I think he liked the reason even less than me actually crying.

I think I may actually need an anti-depressant of some sort. I may need to actually seek help about this, because I can't seem to pull myself out of this. I just keep snuggling up in bed and crying over sections of Artemis.

I think right now it helps even less that Robbie keeps throwing out completely Covington phrases.

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xhesika

August 2012

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