xhesika: (Default)
I need time to let it sink in I think.

I'm sure I'll be crying eventually, but right now I don't know how to feel.

He said he "wouldn't be opposed to moving back to columbus, not columbus, maybe dublin."

I immediatly felt dizzy and unsure of everything, I still feel that way. I need to sleep on it I think.
xhesika: (bushbride)
Winamp is trolling me, TWICE in one day already.

They were a diversion, merely a diversion, and as Adam took a step back in initial horror before reaching for each of the animals and breaking what necks he could reach without spilling any of their blood I made my own attack.

Winamp's choice: Tom Jones -- It's not unusual

Grimacing and seething with pure hatred for me he pulled the knife from my shoulder and began to hack at me with it, slashing and tearing at my throat and chest, and making a desperate attempt to cause me to pull back from him, for he wanted nothing more than to flee in that moment.

Winamp's choice: Micheal Bublé -- Crazy Love

Columbus

Nov. 4th, 2011 09:15 pm
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
After visiting the hospital tonight I've realized a few things about the spot I'm at right now.

I'm in a position where I have been able to do the thing I love and be supported by someone I love. I may go nuts and bored and want a job every now and again, but in the end I'm very happy with being able to write like I love to.

So we're in C-Bus for the weekend, Robbie is leaving tomorrow to go further south for a few days, I meanwhile am staying in the city to visit with family and friends. When we return to Waterford we have the luxury of having the house all to ourselves. We did shopping before leaving, so I am extra interested in all the delicious things that I am going to cook.

Also, 10k into my NaNo project, Gale, and suddenly the story is deviating into much more passionate territory than I had originally planned. I guess I'll never be able to completely control my characters.

Also also, am I the only one who truly believes that FB needs to come down? I know ANON rumors are all over, but it would be nice to show the larger corporations and bigwigs that people in general can still twist the screws.
xhesika: (tealfashion)
I had another interview tonight, this time at meijer's, in a different department than Robbie, but that was what I wanted anyways. Also not a cashier position, so yay. It went well, Robbie came home for lunch and said that Steph, the manager had stated that I'm pretty much a sure thing for the job, they just have to wait for my background check to come back and get me set up with one last interview as a formality.

So yay!

In the meantime, NaNoWriMo is coming up. Originally I had planned to try for a book with seven chapters, basically about a motel through 7 days of the week and the people who stay there. So more of a compilation of interwoven short stories. I have since changed my mind. David is going to be finished by November, I've got the ending worked out in my mind and the plots for the next book in place. I plan on moving on to Gale for NaNoWriMo.

I'm excited to do this, I can't remember ever reading a book from the villain's POV.

In the meantime I think Bastian may be under control, or getting back under control. Things are looking up, but the publication has still been pushed back to after the new year, which is okay with me.

Looking to go to C-Bus on the 5th and 6th of November as well. Robbie is going further south to see friends, and I'mma be crashing at my parent's for those days and visiting with my sister. I need to give Tammi a call so I can crash and give her the presents I've been collecting for her, LOL.

I love that Robbie listens to just as much Maroon 5 as I do...for slightly different reasons, but still!
xhesika: (Utena)
I have an interview with Charming Charlie tomorrow. I am extra excited, and so happy that a store I loved so much is coming to the area. Even moreso that I have finally gotten a call back from the sites and sites of applications I exhausted.

Tucker is incredibly sick, the steroid shot he was given the first time he went to the vet wore off and apparently weakened his immune system. He was veggy-like for a few days (poor thing) and has started to perk up after all the antibiotics we've been giving him. Persephone has been staying away from him and treating him like a leper.

I believe that Robbie has started to really miss the city. He's expressed that he's tired of the same routine, of course when I ask him what he would like to do when he comes home from work, he has no idea. Which to be honest, is because there is nothing.

I have been surviving with my writing, and have actually started a dA account for porn. No, it is in no way associated with my main account, so you'd be lucky if you ever find it.

Back to writing porn for now.
xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
Robbie took me for coffee this morning, then we drove around.

We went looking at houses mostly, the nice ones, big houses that you'd like to fill for Christmas.

I don't know what happened. It never happened before, but I started feeling absolutely terrible, achy throat and welled up eyes terrible, and at first I didn't know what was wrong, at first I didn't understand why I was so upset all of a sudden doing something I used to like. I broke down once or twice, Robbie was completely confused, and I know I cry a lot these days and he's probably seen more than his share of it.

I talked about my grandparents a little. Memories of things we used to do when I was little and they had the house in Findlay.  Stargazing with my grandma. My grandpa's very recent stroke, that made me cry again.

Eventually I understood why I was so upset over the houses. Before, no matter how extravagant it was, nothing seemed out of reach. Not a million dollar home, not the world, anything was possible. Now I don't feel that hope, and no matter how many times I told myself, "finish writing your books, finish editing, get back on track" nothing seemed to help.

When I did figure out what made me upset, Robbie had me tell him, and I think he liked the reason even less than me actually crying.

I think I may actually need an anti-depressant of some sort. I may need to actually seek help about this, because I can't seem to pull myself out of this. I just keep snuggling up in bed and crying over sections of Artemis.

I think right now it helps even less that Robbie keeps throwing out completely Covington phrases.
xhesika: (tealfashion)
Kso, today Robbie's Dad had supposedly set up an appointment for their cat to see the vet. He lied. Then used the excuse that he didn't have the number despite it being just at the end of the street and therefore something he would pass every single day.

So I eventually cool off of this because we were supposed to go to olive garden for lunch, then to the cider mill.

We all get into the car and find that Robbie and I have been lured out of the house under false pretenses. Robbie's Dad wanted chinese so we were going for chinese instead, despite his mom constantly reminding him that Robbie and I had just had chinese the night before. Normally i wouldn't turn down chinese, but I really wasn't feeling it, especially after thinking about olive garden, I think Robbie was a bit more irked about it because, well, olive garden was his favorite and he was pretty psyched about it.

So they went to chinese and Robbie and I went and had a drink at the bar next door. Rum and coke, nothing special, and the chick at the bar was nice enough to give me a couple of job leads which i will def be looking into.

After that his parents apparently had to pick up a book, the problem is that there are no bookstores in waterford or any of its surrounding towns. I shit you not. They tanked with the economy and apparently "book learning" isn't something they're big enough on for major companies to bother with. I really wish I was kidding on this front, but I promise that it isn't just my cinicism.During the time that they were scouring the scooby-doo ghost town mall for a bookstore, Robbie had some pizza at the food court.

Which leads us to now, we ended up just heading home because Robbie isn't feeling well, and he says it isn't pain which is weird because he didn't take any pain meds this morning (the only reason why he opted for a drink), and the things he had to eat were the onion/cheese/ham rolls that I ate as well, and the pizza at the mall which I also ate. I'm thinking he caught something at work because I don't really know what else would make him feel so out of sorts. Except for being up with the sun, which I will admit, makes me feel really weak and strange after being nocturnal for weeks.

So, keeping an eye on him while I wait for my package. I had to order a few shirts and a coat from wet seal, the store just doesn't exist up here and the prices everywhere are gorged to hell. What's worse is that the long-sleeved shirts I have are getting holes in the elbows and when I thought about it I realized that I have had these since before I started dating Robbie.

C'est la vie.

the vet

Sep. 17th, 2011 03:24 pm
xhesika: (cereal)
Robbie took Persephone to the vet today, we had gotten a little worried about her after she stopped with hairballs and started with straight up bile. The result is a bottle of kitty steroid pills and a special brand of food we need to switch her to, I also need to pull out the cat grass. This also leads me to something slightly more troubling.

The cat that lives here with Rob's parents, Tucker, has been in need of going to the vet for a while now apparently. His mother dropped the story several times about how last Christmas she wanted his dad to take Tucker to the vet because Tucker was obviously having pain in his jaw and cried when he yawned. Of course the story with him now is that he's missing most of his teeth and is really only eating wet cat food.

But that isn't the issue. The issue is that we highly suspect he has cat herpies. Meaning Persephone will be staying FAR away from him until he's checked. I swear to god, if she catches them from him...I don't even know.

Bombing the room atm, I'm really REALLY tired of being eaten up by spiders. Rob picked up some bug bombs and I am locked out until six.

Fambly

Sep. 15th, 2011 12:13 am
xhesika: (Utena)
My family came up to see us. I feel much better after talking with my Mom, I'm certain at this point that things will get 100% better when Robbie and I move away from his parents. The trouble is work, there is nothing here and I'm not getting any calls back from anyone.

Of course apparently Robbie's dad was under the impression that I never apped to the store that he thought was a sure thing. He was a bit floored when I told him that I handed my app to the owner and the one he supposedly had the "in" with.

ANY-who, it was nice to get out and do things with them while they were here. We went to lunch and then went to play puttputt.

Samm is moving into her dorm on Sunday, meaning she'll be farther away, but hopefully she'll be on skype more.

Ah, its an Utena and Artemis sort of night.
xhesika: (hero)
I finally talked with Robbie about how I had been feeling, I know he didn't want to hear it. I'm sure he hated it more when I told him that I had been thinking about it for awhile, and to tell the truth I'm still thinking about it.

I apped for a job at Meijers, its all I really could do at this point. I've gotten zero callbacks from the places I apped, and the place that Robbie's dad assured us would be a "sure thing" fell through completely.

The truth is that I'm feeling completely defeated. Feelings that I haven't felt in years.

My parents and Samm are coming up this Wednesday, and I just know that Samm is going to take one look and ask how I manage to live here. To tell the truth I don't know. Every bit of this place kills me.

I hate that I'm going to have to have another talk with Robbie.

And I hate that it seems like it just took one thing to make me feel terrible about everything. I feel completely unwelcome, and I realize I'm only here for Robbie.
xhesika: (Caspius Van Dean)
“I don’t see how any of this is anything other than useless.” Kamen mumbled as he held the tome out at arms length.

“Of course it wouldn’t be useful to you; you’re a Clovinian citizen. You have your own set of rights.”

“What are my rights anyways?”

“On hold, you’re in the military. Your rights are hanging on Rei’s wall…next to your balls.”


Of course the last sentence is getting taken out, but I thought it was a valid point.

Its more something Nancy would say anyways.
xhesika: (tealfashion)
So between now and the last time I gave an actual update:

1. My friend Kat's computer crashed, she sent it to us and we fixed it. The only thing wrong was that she had somehow gotten a virus from big fish games and it FRIED her hard drive. So we got her a new one and then I loaded up her lappy with games, Sailor Moon, Labyrinth, and many other essentials.

2. Some days I feel discouraged with Artemis, at this point I KNOW that it's going to be impossible for me to jump back into it. I'm going to have to work on short stories and read over the whole story before I make another attempt at writing the last chapter. The good news, and I don't know if I put this up here yet, but I found a binder with the original Book 2! Meaning the only thing I am missing now IS the final chapter of Book 1, then I will be back to where I was before the move.

3. Got a very promising lead on a job, but I don't want to divulge the details too soon, I don't want to jinx it and have it fall through.

4. Working on the Ritzko Project, the goal at this point is to be able to send out signed copies of the first book as Christmas presents. Meaning more it has to be done by November so that I can start NaNoWriMo.

Full plate for the time being, but at least I'm feeling more validated.
xhesika: (bambi)
I'm down to the last few days before my period and the telltale signs are there: bloating (the good kind, yes I get the good kind), strange cravings, moody, and I want a baby.


That last one is actually really common, I've gone up to Robbie I don't know how many times to ask him for one, but the answer is always no, and once my period is over I won't want one anymore.


But right now I do.



And Persephone STILL hasn't learned to cuddle with me at this point, although admittedly I may be a little too aggressive in my snuggles.
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
I post a link to it on my DeviantArt site when I go live, as well as my Facebook. Normally I get Shelby from DA, when Kat's computer was working she would come in and we would end up in stitches, and occasionally I'll get a view from the FB link.

So last night Kyle came into the chat under a false name, and I wouldn't have said anything if he would have just sat in the corner and shut up like a good little kid, but he kept going on and on about "do you know who I am" "i think you may be pissed at me". Pretty stalker-ish actually. So he eventually told me who he was and I was going to let it go and not really say anything.

Actually I was going to give Shelby mod privilages and then start shit and ban him, but unfortunately she uses a guest account with LS or something, so I layed it out on the table for him, when we were talking he blew me and Samm off all the time then went to Clara Mae to talk shit and that is not okay. Then I banned his ip and blocked him on FB, of course I had been pretty much ignoring him anyways, so it wasn't too much of a difference.

Of course Robbie was proud of me for finally severing the tie and laying it out for him, he and Samm were done with Kyle's bullshit long before I was, I just happened to be the one that was too nice to not give him a million second chances.

C'est la vie.

I did however feel bad for Shelby having to watch the pathetic darting around the subject thing Kyle did, then my "lolsuckitkkthxbai". I just dislike all forms of drama, I don't like things that I can't control it seems and they make me feel all sorts of angry about that. The actual situation really never bothers me I guess. Just the control thing.

I'm sure I need lots of help, but hay I am the writer that is constantly killing my protagonists.
xhesika: (Default)
The first week we were here was taken up mostly by the trip up to Oscoda, which I did take many nice nature-y pictures which I will have to upload onto FB or put in an LJ cut. The picture quality on my new phone is much nicer than the last I had (which I did expect), but what made my day was the fact that despite us forgetting the internet MiFi verizon adapter, I still had internet wherever I got a cell phone signal, so I was able to keep in touch with people through texts.

I got my fishing license, I caught a fish, I learned how to clean a fish, but we couldn't eat them because they had lots and lots of worms. I also shot of a few guns, and I decided that my aim is terrible and I need something with little to no kickback, or a LOT of aim practice.

The night before last we managed to get Ryan over here for the night because Robbie needed to stay up to get his schedule back on track for work. Robbie fell asleep several times, but Ryan and I stayed up the whole night playing games. I also got re-situated with a copy of the Sims 2, which will be a nice outlet for a while (I'll get to why in a few).

So Ryan is grounded, and after talking with him for a little I'm actually more surprised that he isn't more grounded. He has a lot of self control for having to deal with everything that is going on with him right now, I don't think his dad really sees it, but I'm not a parent and I have no right to say anything really, but I do think that if Rick and Teresa knew what was going on they would have a lot more to say to their other children.

So about the MiFi really quick. It has a limit on kB/sec. MEANING, I can't skype call, I can't torrent, and I can't LiveStream here. In order to do any of those I need to go to Rick and Teresa's (who have wonderful internet BTW) and I feel rather awkward to go there and pull out my lappy. But w/e. Robbie has talked to his dad about adding internet onto his coverage and paying the difference, the problem is that it's satellite and will probably be buggy, but it's something.

About yesterday, being unemployed has started to set in, and me, with my already quite obvious issue with being useful, started to feel like crap...to the point where I wore myself out crying and then cried myself to sleep. It doesn't help that any of the things that I used to do to get myself out of a rut were impossible to do. And I'm getting teary just now thinking about it. There's no tea salons, no Samm to run around with, no skyping, I am feeling trapped. And to top it off I'm dreaming again. But no dreams with Morpheus, that might have been a comfort, I get the strange cryptic kind.

Of course regardless of the fact that I spent the last year and a half taking care of crazy patients and families of people who were dying, I am apparently not considered experienced in customer service and retail, so any job I apply for I don't have much hope in getting. This of course hasn't stopped me from applying anywhere I can. I really did have my eyes set on the new Charming Charlie, but I doubt I'll get a call from them. I just have to wait for some kind of response.

Robbie did have a good first day at work, he got out on time regardless of them being understaffed by 3 people, and said that the labor was handled much differently than it was in C-Bus. His shift isn't forced to do the work of the other shifts, and if they are running short the management isn't worried about conditioning to give the illusion of the shelves being full, they just want the product up there. So Robbie came home laughing and we talked for a while and then I looked at the clock (which at the time read 730 or so) and I told him that the people in C-Bus were probably still hard at work.

I just want a job, something to occupy myself with. Sims 2 will get old quick. I think I may pull out my paints and canvas today. We're supposed to go meet with the owner of the small grocery store down the street today, hopefully that will bring some good news.
xhesika: (cereal)
Me:    halibut is such a silly word
    hal-i-but
Kat:    hail the butt.
Me:    do they have big butts?
    hang on looking it up
Kat:    LOL.
    arent those fish?
Me:    ya know
    they kind of do...
    yeah fishies
Kat:    ...can fishes have butts?
Me:    well the rectum is technically in the center at the bottom
    so if they are fat in the middle they qualify as having a big butt
Kat:     ...lol.
Me:     <--expert on fish butts
xhesika: (bushbride)
I tweeted Barack Obama yesterday, he was naming off EVERY SINGLE SENATOR AND REPRESENTATIVE and their twitters...

you spam, unfollow, thank god i'm moving to canada.

Seriously though, I can't wait to get out of this god forsaken country.

EDIT: wtf? Suddenly the queen is following me on twitter, spamming follows much?

Tatas

Jul. 29th, 2011 03:20 pm
xhesika: (cereal)
So remember that time I went to H&M and the dress split over my bust in the fitting room? Well I finally went to get a few good bras from Victoria's Secret.

When they fitted me back in high school, I was told that I was a 34A...anyone who knew me back then would have probably laughed and blew snot at them immediately, so I've kind of winged it from there, but the last time I went there I went ahead and took a 32B back to the fitting room (what I normally wear), and it didn't fit. We didn't have time then I  just figured I'd take care of it later and we left.

Went there today and I took a 32C back...it didn't fit. I went up to the lady to ask her if she had a 34 on hand or something, then decided what the hell, not all the people who do the fittings have to suck, right?

Well we got it taken care of. I can comfortably wear a 32D, but am more fitted to a 32DD...

I was kind of floored when she told me the size, even more when I saw she was right...

So about that reduction surgery...
xhesika: (tealfashion)
My last day at work is this Tuesday.

The power will shut off on Thursday.

I put Artemis on hiatus. I've been unable to write on it, I keep getting caught up on the fact that I lost so much of it, and I can't seem to get back into the writing groove. So I decided to make a sequel to Ritzko...rather three sequels. I re-named the first book The Final Comission of Bastian Freeman, and the whole series will be called the Ritzko Project. Each of the books will be in the same style as the first, but from another perspective. The second from Johnson's, the third from Gale, and the fourth from Jenna.

In the first sitting I was able to push out 13 pages, and it was strange, but after writing that I felt almost like I might be able to do some work on Artemis. So I opened up the document and although I was unable to write anything, its comforting that the feeling is coming back.

With that being said, Emily is back in town this week. I admittedly am using the move as an excuse to not see her because I still do associate her with anything bad that happens to Artemis after she vandalized the very first copy beyond repair. I've gone over my history with writing with Kory on Livestream and Skype several times, and its interesting how I'm noticing how fucked up it's been after I put everything out there. How somehow I manage to continue with something I like after Emily tears it all apart, and my Mother patronizes me at the dinner table...

The trouble with this is that I won't be able to spend much time with Samm before I leave.

It was the last night with some of the girls tonight. There are certainly a few I will miss, but there are a lot of them that I won't miss at all, and I don't expect to be missed by many in return...I don't really know a nice way to say it, but I almost feel indifferent. I'll miss connecting with patients.

Plans for a movie night with Tammi and the kids tonight, I've practically been living there for the past few weeks on my day off. The Haven is no longer the Haven, Robbie and I are on the move.

Ugh, I agreed to a dinner with my family at 6 tonight, hopefully it doesn't drag on too long tonight...and hopefully I don't get too sick from seeing Emily. I know it isn't her fault. I just never forgave her for that, and now I almost blame her for everything bad that happens to my writing...
xhesika: (cereal)
...but am too nice to tell them to STFU.

While this actually includes a lot of my current co-workers--a rather large lot actually--I'm talking about the mother of one of my childhood friends. We never really hit it off and the bad foot was set in stone by a dinner discussion when I was over at the house at a much younger age than now. She basically sat at the dinner table, laughed, and called my beliefs stupid. Mind you the belief was purely based on my irrational fear of needles and I was dead set to never get my hepatitis shots. I have since then gotten them, just because of the line of work I have gotten into with the past year and a half, but the fact that she would react that way to an impressionable child...whatisthisidonteven.

Speaking of, Kyle has tried to get in touch with me on more than once occasion within the past week. I guess he's finally realizing who his friends were. Too bad he's already treated everyone like shit and now no one will give him the time of day. I wonder if he noticed me avidly deleting his comments from my page? His call was certainly one of the few I make sure to screen on my phone.

I would like to invite anyone and everyone to watch my life if I should ever have children. As my friend Kory pointed out as we were skyping while I took care of Tammi's youngest (Landyn), my parenting is going to be David Bowie and Labyrinth at 2 am; poptarts, chips, and pink lemonade at 3 am, and if you sneeze/cough shake it off, and as always, if you don't make the international sign for choking I will not save you.

Well maybe not the last part for kids under 18, but the rest of you can fuck yourselves.

...I'm doing so much better at being a bitch, right?

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