xhesika: (Default)
The first week we were here was taken up mostly by the trip up to Oscoda, which I did take many nice nature-y pictures which I will have to upload onto FB or put in an LJ cut. The picture quality on my new phone is much nicer than the last I had (which I did expect), but what made my day was the fact that despite us forgetting the internet MiFi verizon adapter, I still had internet wherever I got a cell phone signal, so I was able to keep in touch with people through texts.

I got my fishing license, I caught a fish, I learned how to clean a fish, but we couldn't eat them because they had lots and lots of worms. I also shot of a few guns, and I decided that my aim is terrible and I need something with little to no kickback, or a LOT of aim practice.

The night before last we managed to get Ryan over here for the night because Robbie needed to stay up to get his schedule back on track for work. Robbie fell asleep several times, but Ryan and I stayed up the whole night playing games. I also got re-situated with a copy of the Sims 2, which will be a nice outlet for a while (I'll get to why in a few).

So Ryan is grounded, and after talking with him for a little I'm actually more surprised that he isn't more grounded. He has a lot of self control for having to deal with everything that is going on with him right now, I don't think his dad really sees it, but I'm not a parent and I have no right to say anything really, but I do think that if Rick and Teresa knew what was going on they would have a lot more to say to their other children.

So about the MiFi really quick. It has a limit on kB/sec. MEANING, I can't skype call, I can't torrent, and I can't LiveStream here. In order to do any of those I need to go to Rick and Teresa's (who have wonderful internet BTW) and I feel rather awkward to go there and pull out my lappy. But w/e. Robbie has talked to his dad about adding internet onto his coverage and paying the difference, the problem is that it's satellite and will probably be buggy, but it's something.

About yesterday, being unemployed has started to set in, and me, with my already quite obvious issue with being useful, started to feel like crap...to the point where I wore myself out crying and then cried myself to sleep. It doesn't help that any of the things that I used to do to get myself out of a rut were impossible to do. And I'm getting teary just now thinking about it. There's no tea salons, no Samm to run around with, no skyping, I am feeling trapped. And to top it off I'm dreaming again. But no dreams with Morpheus, that might have been a comfort, I get the strange cryptic kind.

Of course regardless of the fact that I spent the last year and a half taking care of crazy patients and families of people who were dying, I am apparently not considered experienced in customer service and retail, so any job I apply for I don't have much hope in getting. This of course hasn't stopped me from applying anywhere I can. I really did have my eyes set on the new Charming Charlie, but I doubt I'll get a call from them. I just have to wait for some kind of response.

Robbie did have a good first day at work, he got out on time regardless of them being understaffed by 3 people, and said that the labor was handled much differently than it was in C-Bus. His shift isn't forced to do the work of the other shifts, and if they are running short the management isn't worried about conditioning to give the illusion of the shelves being full, they just want the product up there. So Robbie came home laughing and we talked for a while and then I looked at the clock (which at the time read 730 or so) and I told him that the people in C-Bus were probably still hard at work.

I just want a job, something to occupy myself with. Sims 2 will get old quick. I think I may pull out my paints and canvas today. We're supposed to go meet with the owner of the small grocery store down the street today, hopefully that will bring some good news.
xhesika: (bushbride)
I tweeted Barack Obama yesterday, he was naming off EVERY SINGLE SENATOR AND REPRESENTATIVE and their twitters...

you spam, unfollow, thank god i'm moving to canada.

Seriously though, I can't wait to get out of this god forsaken country.

EDIT: wtf? Suddenly the queen is following me on twitter, spamming follows much?

The Move

Jul. 30th, 2011 12:03 am
xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
They will be here tomorrow by 11a supposedly to help us get everything packed into the van.

I have this irrational fear that I will die away from my bright city life, but I think it would be worse away from Robbie. Just got to hang in there and figure something out, got to get my shit in print and open up my options.

Ready or not, here I come.
xhesika: (tealfashion)
My last day at work is this Tuesday.

The power will shut off on Thursday.

I put Artemis on hiatus. I've been unable to write on it, I keep getting caught up on the fact that I lost so much of it, and I can't seem to get back into the writing groove. So I decided to make a sequel to Ritzko...rather three sequels. I re-named the first book The Final Comission of Bastian Freeman, and the whole series will be called the Ritzko Project. Each of the books will be in the same style as the first, but from another perspective. The second from Johnson's, the third from Gale, and the fourth from Jenna.

In the first sitting I was able to push out 13 pages, and it was strange, but after writing that I felt almost like I might be able to do some work on Artemis. So I opened up the document and although I was unable to write anything, its comforting that the feeling is coming back.

With that being said, Emily is back in town this week. I admittedly am using the move as an excuse to not see her because I still do associate her with anything bad that happens to Artemis after she vandalized the very first copy beyond repair. I've gone over my history with writing with Kory on Livestream and Skype several times, and its interesting how I'm noticing how fucked up it's been after I put everything out there. How somehow I manage to continue with something I like after Emily tears it all apart, and my Mother patronizes me at the dinner table...

The trouble with this is that I won't be able to spend much time with Samm before I leave.

It was the last night with some of the girls tonight. There are certainly a few I will miss, but there are a lot of them that I won't miss at all, and I don't expect to be missed by many in return...I don't really know a nice way to say it, but I almost feel indifferent. I'll miss connecting with patients.

Plans for a movie night with Tammi and the kids tonight, I've practically been living there for the past few weeks on my day off. The Haven is no longer the Haven, Robbie and I are on the move.

Ugh, I agreed to a dinner with my family at 6 tonight, hopefully it doesn't drag on too long tonight...and hopefully I don't get too sick from seeing Emily. I know it isn't her fault. I just never forgave her for that, and now I almost blame her for everything bad that happens to my writing...
xhesika: (tealfashion)
I don't really know how to begin, so I'm just going to dive into it.

Everything has happened so fast, I just don't know how to react. Almost like I would rather go numb and let everything happen. everything just happens.

the funeral was lovely really. she was the first corpse I  saw that didn't look plastic. although i suppose its wrong of me to call her that. she found her blue outfit I suppose. the one i remember her looking for. with the small pink polka dots. the adema had gotten bad, she was rather puffy still.

on the way back from the funeral I agitated things, i told robbie i just couldn't move out of the city. i felt awful for saying it immediatly. with as many things that happened that day he really didn't need me to be wishy washy about the move.

i feel helpless.

we set things straight i suppose, the move is so far planned for july 27, but i have no problem in telling my job to bugger off before then if need be.

but the icing on the cake (or rather the cherry on top, as rob's grandmother's death was the icing), is that when we returned home there was no water. Not because the bill hadn't been paid, but because while we were gone someone broke into the other side of the double, turned off the water, and stole the copper piping.

my house isn't livable. and now i'm a nomad with my bag and my laptop, and a cat on a harness and leash that is living at my parent's house for the time being. that is until the dogs get to her like they tried to earlier.

and now i feel like i'm about to cry, but i just can't get to it. like too many things have happened and i really do just want to let go and curl into a ball and let robbie take care of me like he wanted to. but up north i'll be useless, with no job to help support us, and i still don't feel up to writing, what good am i?

i suppose it got around at work what happened. of course that is my fault, no one elses. I sat at the table and outright said that after the week i had, rob's grandmother's death was hopefully the end, and when they asked about the rest of the week i flat out told them. and they asked, and wondered, why hadn't i said anything before?

i saw a FB message when i logged on earlier today from someone wishing me well. that's all well and good, but i didn't tell anyone at work (save Cammy and Margo) what was going on when it was going on because I don't trust them. i spent the past year and a half putting myself out there and trying to make friends and became outright ostracized from everyone.

i tell myself constantly that i need to be more outgoing, that i need to pull myself out of my shell, but then i look back at all i've done and it frustrates me that I HAVE, I certainly have. But i just don't understand why. but i'm slightly glad all the same. i owe them nothing, no explanation, no thanks, no regrets. just pack up what little i have left and let robbie carry me away.

alright, i think i feel up to crying now.
xhesika: (tealfashion)
Was nothing short of a nightmare, and it looks like its going to bleed into this week.

My house was broken into on the 21st, my family was out of the state for that whole week. The computers were stolen and even though they decided to tear out the speakers, headphones, keyboards, and microphones, they decided that they should just take all the jump drives that had Artemis saved on them. I still have Ritzko, I suppose that's a blessing in disguise. Luckily I had emailed most of Artemis Book 1 to myself to read at work, so I will only have to rewrite the last chapter and the afterword.

I managed to get through work without breaking down in front of my coworkers, but to tell the truth I did have a patient that I found crying at 5 am and I ended up sitting with him and bawling my eyes out right next to him.

My boss has been amazing through everything, however I haven't told her yet that Robbie and I do plan on moving back to Michigan. We're waiting on his job to transfer and we've worked the budget to allow us to live on his salary alone for as long as we need to (while I'm unemployed). I have only told one of my coworkers what happened, and only because she had her house broken into last summer and I felt was the only one who really understood what I was going through. The others know nothing, and I don't plan on telling them anything until I leave, if then.

I stayed at Tammi's house one night, I'll probably do a lot of crashing there this coming week, what was a 6-day stretch of time off has become an 8-day stretch because guess what? To top off the week, Robbie's grandmother passed this morning around 4, and the worst part is that I don't have the strength to cry anymore, even when something really warrants tears. I know how close he was to her, when he said she was back in the hospital with her usual UTI CHF, I figured she would be right as rain and back home when we moved up there. So I work tonight and took vacation for the next two days. Hopefully I can pick up some time around the hospital in the stretch to save up money.

Penelope is still missing, and her sister is all out stressed and lonely now. She cries a lot, can't keep down food, I'm worried about the both of them. So we're taking Persephone up to Michigan with us for the funeral because we don't want to leave her alone for too long, she snuggled up to me for most of last night. I have faith still that we will find Penny, the biggest reason being that we have posters all over the damn place that offer a reward of $100 for her return, along with a picture of her. To be honest, she should be easy to spot, her fur is longer than any other stray, and her coloring is rather unique. It makes me feel better when I see people I've never met combing the area for her, calling out for her, $100 is a small price to pay for her if it gets her home. I know Robbie is lonely without her.

One of the only good things that happened this past week was when my sister came home from vacation and set right all of the mess between me and my parents, she then proceeded to buy me a new laptop, which I am typing this on right now. I'm in the midst of recovering my lost music, but it looks like I may have to wait a bit to get my Sailor Moon replaced, which kinda sucks because I could really use a good laugh right about now. Artemis Book 1 is in its own little folder on here, but I haven't put much work into finishing it yet. I'm still a little numb from the whole experience.

I guess I should start getting cleaned up for work? I have a few hours still, but there is packing to be done if I plan on leaving in the morning for Michigan for the funeral.
xhesika: (Default)
The house was robbed and they took my computer and flash drive.

I came home ALONE to everything gone and turned up-side-down. I have the first 50 chapters on my e-mail, but unless by some miracle we find they tossed a drive somewhere...I will either give up on Artemis or start the last 25 chapters from scratch. I don't even know right now.

To top it off one of the cats got out, she's still missing, and she's afraid of everything.

I'm at my parent's right now, they're away on a family vacation, and when I called them to ask them for help, I was met with no support at all. After talking with Robbie we decided that the best thing to do would be to save up enough to get us back to Michigan with his family. They immediately offered us a place to stay while we got back to our feet. Robbie is working on getting his job transferred, I would be starting from scratch with my school loans to pay...of course he keeps telling me that he'll support me for as long as he has to, even if I never go back to work.

All the sweet things make me cry even more.

At least I get internet on my phone, so my email is raintree.willow@gmail.com, my phone number is 614-580-4551. Text, call, email. It makes me even sadder that most of the people that I've been there for here aren't there for me. I'm lucky to have friends who live far away that I email, who listen to me, but I don't think I'll ever stop crying.

I feel like I'm living that moment of coming home over and over again.

Don't comment on here, I won't be checking my LJ for a LONG while.
xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
I originally wasn't going to post any more dreams, but they seem to all have some sort of cryptic meaning, and they've been coming VERY often. The first depicted here was one that I had immediately after my appointment, and after fighting fire demons with flamethrowers with Him, I decided to open up a little more than close myself off. The result: adventures.

I've decided to call him Morpheus, for lack of a better name. The Greek god of dreams, it seems fitting enough.

Fire Demons:

I can feel the heat from the blaze on my face, the surroundings glow red with the flames. It's a cathedral, in the process of being eaten alive by the flames of creatures that split the earth and came from inside.

Morpheus is there, standing next to me, and talking as if He knows the appointment I've just come from, "You were going to bring him to intimidate me, where is he?"

He's talking about Micheal, the woman at my appointment told me to ask the archangel for protection if I felt threatened. But I don't feel threatened now, "I asked him to come if you were dangerous."

Morpheus ignores what I say, and instead passes me a rather large item, "This place is past divine intervention. The walls will collapse and the roof will cave. However, we can stop the intrusion here."

"What is this?" I ask, but I already know what it is, its a flamethrower.

"We fight fire with fire."

Christmas Nightmares:

We're watching a movie, the Nightmare Before Christmas projected onto a bed sheet in the middle of a camping trip. Faceless beings wander about in the distance, but there's another with us that is not so faceless. A small child lays curled up with her head on a folded blanket.

I'm sitting with my knees up to my chin, "I've seen this movie more times than I can count."

"Intrinsic." Morpheus is watching the sheet with a small smile, "What do you think he's looking for."

"He's missing love, isn't he? Family and friendship. The things that Christmas embodies, but Halloween can't give."

"Personification of holidays." He shakes his head, "But Halloween can give it. If you give it time."

The little girl opens her eyes and looks at us curiously before rushing over to us to snuggle up and watch the movie. "He was watching you." I tell the little girl, "He was always watching you, because he loved you and wanted you safe."

Sea Treasure:

Its a abandoned beach, the rocks are carved in the shapes of early house frames. I'm walking through one, barefoot, somewhere I've lost my shoes. Or thrown them away, I hate getting sand in my shoes, especially when the sand feels so good on my feet.

Morpheus sits atop one of the rocks, on the apex of the roof of the building I'm climbing through, he's watching the shoreline.

I look over to the shoreline, the little girl is there, her face has become scaly and she pushes an eerie tune from her mouth to the sea.

The smaller creatures are scuttling out of the water, hurrying across the sand in an attempt to escape the sea. Countless crustaceans and bugs run across my feet and I look up to Morpheus.

"That little girl, she was watching Nightmare with us." I say.

He nods, "I was bringing her home."

"Home?"

I look back to the girl, the sea churns violently and an army of nāga, selkies, and mermaids push themselves up out of the water.

The spectacle is nothing short of beautiful, "She's a mermaid!" I say with a large smile.

"She's their god."

Snow Angels:

I've been sick, its been hot. This was today, I was having trouble falling asleep. Between going to throw up what little I've been able to eat, and trying to take a cold shower to cool off, sleep was being a little more than elusive.

I barely remember falling asleep. I don't know how I got into bed, but I must have.

I went to the window and pushed the curtain away. There were about two feet of snow blanketing the street and Morpheus is looking up at me from below.

I rush down the stairs and pull on my boots, but I don't bother with my jacket, and its a good thing because it's not too frigidly cold despite all the snow.

Morpheus is singing. Its the same tune he beckoned me with half a year ago and instead of drawing me in he uses it to pull more snow from the sky.

I'm having fun, running through the snow and kicking it up into the air and dancing. Morpheus walks behind me, a smile on his face and hands in his pockets.

The Haven:

The most recent. Morpheus shows me a castle made of stone, and from the outside it looks abandoned, but when he shows me the way in I find that it's become delightfully overrun with streams, vegetation, fire, and ice.

"Your Haven." He tells me.

I explore, finding and delighting in the wonders of this new place. And he's correct, this is truly my Haven, before I really understand what's going on I find myself walking up the walls, looking for the best place to survey this new world.

I find it in a strange tree house, suspended in vines and stone, I look over the edge. "This is the cathedral."

"Sanctuary."

Home Again

Feb. 17th, 2011 04:43 pm
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
The trip up north was fun, but once again I’m left with the all too familiar “nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there”. It’s nice that it’s so wide open, the air does feel cleaner, and things are much simpler, but at the same time nothing changes. I noticed this even with the music on the radio, I swear the music hasn’t changed since I lived there two years ago. This isn’t entirely the radio station’s fault, they are the only rock/alternative station up there (not joking, there is only one radio station worth listening to), but at the same time I would have liked to hear at least one new song that came out in the past two years.

I’m glad Robbie did notice a few things though; he told me in the car ride home that going back was a good way to see how far we’ve come. How we came back from the city with all these stories to tell and when we ask “how have you been” the answer was always “eh, the same”. I suppose that sort of setting can be nice, but I feel like it also encourages the younger generation living up there to not be as ambitious as someone in the city. And not all the kids, there are some stronger ones, but so many just fall into stereotypes and are okay with that. Like they aren’t willing to push away and make their own.

Something funny happened on the way home, from Michigan we take 23S to the 475 loop around Toledo to 75S, once on 75S there is an exit for 75N/23S, but we want to stay on 75S for about 40 mi longer. I guess Robbie wasn’t paying attention because we got right back on 75N on accident and I didn’t notice until we had passed the mosque and the Perrysburg water tower and were at my Grandparent’s exit. We just happened to get off at said exit to turn around and ended up visiting them.

It was a nice visit, it was nice to see them again, but after the visit, and near the end I felt like I would burst into tears. I don’t really know why, I mean I have a few ideas, but as to why I felt so depressed afterward was incredibly novel for me. Thinking about it makes me feel like crap now, growing up I remember them being so much stronger, but my Grandpa has fallen I don’t know how many times in the past year, and his short term memory hasn’t been the same since he hit his head and had to be hospitalized for a brain hemorrhage. They talked about going to a retirement home, but my Grandma is very skeptical, and with all of her heart history it almost seems like it would be beneficial for her to continue to live at the house to get her exercise with the stairs (the two of them just need to learn to take things slower). Personally I think they just need someone with a home health service to come visit them.

Then they asked if I would be coming to vacation this year. Well, nice to know I would be welcome with them.

I think my problem is that I see elderly die almost every time I go to work. One of the major reasons I need to get off that floor is my own mental stability. I get too attached and I feel crushed inside when another passes. I’ll pray to any and every god that they have the luck of passing peacefully at home, I don’t think I could stand seeing them in a hospital bed, and I wouldn’t want their last memories of the family to be like that.

I think I might just snuggle up on the couch with the cats tonight and watch some opera.
xhesika: (changed my mind)
It's started to scare me. The simple fact that all of my recent dreams start out with me in my pajamas. I feel like the gap between this and the past dream was a lot longer than it had been previously. There was no song, but it was a lot more...personal? I can barely describe it. I was able to ask a few questions, get angry with my answers, then.... I do plan on a more lengthy description later.

We've finally bought the deep fryer and I am enjoying all the foods that I stick in it. Curry buns are pretty awesome, but pizza rolls are the best.

I'm currently watching the new "karate" kid. It's the KARATE kid, so why the hell are they doing KUNG FU? Get your shit straight people. Also, any idiot that thinks Detroit actually looks like that IRL needs to go there and get shot. EL-OH-EL. Other than that, it's cute.

Not sure what I'm going to to do for thanksgiving yet, I got a bunch of time off for it, but Robbie is working most of the time. Hopefully we'll be able to go up north for Christmas, but this week it looks like me and the kitties. I do plan on making some of Robbie's favorite fried chicken and asparagus.

I ordered Robbie's Christmas gifts while he was sick in bed last weekend. I'm having fun torturing him with how far they've come so far in the shipping process. I'm planning on ordering some legos for him too soon if I can. But seeing as how I ended up spending roughly 170 on the present that is on its way, I'm not sure how that will go.
xhesika: (jazz hands!)


It's been one of those days, it doesn't help that I keep smelling something that makes me feel queasy. I really think its the detergent. I feel like I was shot in the head. I ended up not having to get my blood drawn because I was crying and throwing up in the office. I was such a wreck I don't think anyone was going to want to poke me.

And now I want to destroy my eardrums, but the music won't go any louder.

Planning a trip tomorrow morning. Going up north to visit Robbie's Grandmother in the hospital and hopefully get the clutch in the car switched out. It's on it's last leg and chances are we may break down on the way in. Hopefully that is not the case.

Ribbons and foils. )
I read over my first copy and noticed a few interesting things that seemed to have evolved, I think Rei always had a stange relationship with Valerie Araceli, but it never went past that before. Now its much more awkward and you don't get the reasoning for it until near the end of the book, right before the Thorn Tower ordeal. It also explains why the Rei-Artemis relationship is so strange.

What would you suspect? )
Hrm.

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