xhesika: (Default)
Gale excerpts below, trigger warnings: blood, gore, vivisection, abuse, necromancy, I'm going to go ahead and say sexual content as well since some of the descriptions get pretty racy.

The relationship between Gale and Ritz has a nice start, but it quickly becomes...unhealthy, I'm just waiting to be ridiculed for writing this book.

To make it worse my mind has been in very dark places during the entire month of November because of this, I am seriously reconsidering my December endeavor.

Here we go... )
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
Gale wasn’t interested in leaving the house before Keane and the police arrived, he instead pulled up a chair and sat to the right of Mr. Crawley’s corpse, cigarette in hand, cat in his lap, and sniffing the air curiously every so often. I didn’t stick around to ask him what details his nose was picking up, while he wasn’t bothered with the smell of rotting flesh, I had to rush out of the house for fresh air and the first cigarette in half a month.

Its bad enough scouring the internet for “Necromancy 101”, but its worse when all these sites are citing resources that are in my own library.

I’m going to have to tone down some of the details in the chapters I’m working on, either that or put trigger warnings on them.

Even worse, I’ve been snacking the whole time I’ve been writing.


xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
Robbie took me for coffee this morning, then we drove around.

We went looking at houses mostly, the nice ones, big houses that you'd like to fill for Christmas.

I don't know what happened. It never happened before, but I started feeling absolutely terrible, achy throat and welled up eyes terrible, and at first I didn't know what was wrong, at first I didn't understand why I was so upset all of a sudden doing something I used to like. I broke down once or twice, Robbie was completely confused, and I know I cry a lot these days and he's probably seen more than his share of it.

I talked about my grandparents a little. Memories of things we used to do when I was little and they had the house in Findlay.  Stargazing with my grandma. My grandpa's very recent stroke, that made me cry again.

Eventually I understood why I was so upset over the houses. Before, no matter how extravagant it was, nothing seemed out of reach. Not a million dollar home, not the world, anything was possible. Now I don't feel that hope, and no matter how many times I told myself, "finish writing your books, finish editing, get back on track" nothing seemed to help.

When I did figure out what made me upset, Robbie had me tell him, and I think he liked the reason even less than me actually crying.

I think I may actually need an anti-depressant of some sort. I may need to actually seek help about this, because I can't seem to pull myself out of this. I just keep snuggling up in bed and crying over sections of Artemis.

I think right now it helps even less that Robbie keeps throwing out completely Covington phrases.
xhesika: (tealfashion)
Kso, today Robbie's Dad had supposedly set up an appointment for their cat to see the vet. He lied. Then used the excuse that he didn't have the number despite it being just at the end of the street and therefore something he would pass every single day.

So I eventually cool off of this because we were supposed to go to olive garden for lunch, then to the cider mill.

We all get into the car and find that Robbie and I have been lured out of the house under false pretenses. Robbie's Dad wanted chinese so we were going for chinese instead, despite his mom constantly reminding him that Robbie and I had just had chinese the night before. Normally i wouldn't turn down chinese, but I really wasn't feeling it, especially after thinking about olive garden, I think Robbie was a bit more irked about it because, well, olive garden was his favorite and he was pretty psyched about it.

So they went to chinese and Robbie and I went and had a drink at the bar next door. Rum and coke, nothing special, and the chick at the bar was nice enough to give me a couple of job leads which i will def be looking into.

After that his parents apparently had to pick up a book, the problem is that there are no bookstores in waterford or any of its surrounding towns. I shit you not. They tanked with the economy and apparently "book learning" isn't something they're big enough on for major companies to bother with. I really wish I was kidding on this front, but I promise that it isn't just my cinicism.During the time that they were scouring the scooby-doo ghost town mall for a bookstore, Robbie had some pizza at the food court.

Which leads us to now, we ended up just heading home because Robbie isn't feeling well, and he says it isn't pain which is weird because he didn't take any pain meds this morning (the only reason why he opted for a drink), and the things he had to eat were the onion/cheese/ham rolls that I ate as well, and the pizza at the mall which I also ate. I'm thinking he caught something at work because I don't really know what else would make him feel so out of sorts. Except for being up with the sun, which I will admit, makes me feel really weak and strange after being nocturnal for weeks.

So, keeping an eye on him while I wait for my package. I had to order a few shirts and a coat from wet seal, the store just doesn't exist up here and the prices everywhere are gorged to hell. What's worse is that the long-sleeved shirts I have are getting holes in the elbows and when I thought about it I realized that I have had these since before I started dating Robbie.

C'est la vie.
xhesika: (tealfashion)
My last day at work is this Tuesday.

The power will shut off on Thursday.

I put Artemis on hiatus. I've been unable to write on it, I keep getting caught up on the fact that I lost so much of it, and I can't seem to get back into the writing groove. So I decided to make a sequel to Ritzko...rather three sequels. I re-named the first book The Final Comission of Bastian Freeman, and the whole series will be called the Ritzko Project. Each of the books will be in the same style as the first, but from another perspective. The second from Johnson's, the third from Gale, and the fourth from Jenna.

In the first sitting I was able to push out 13 pages, and it was strange, but after writing that I felt almost like I might be able to do some work on Artemis. So I opened up the document and although I was unable to write anything, its comforting that the feeling is coming back.

With that being said, Emily is back in town this week. I admittedly am using the move as an excuse to not see her because I still do associate her with anything bad that happens to Artemis after she vandalized the very first copy beyond repair. I've gone over my history with writing with Kory on Livestream and Skype several times, and its interesting how I'm noticing how fucked up it's been after I put everything out there. How somehow I manage to continue with something I like after Emily tears it all apart, and my Mother patronizes me at the dinner table...

The trouble with this is that I won't be able to spend much time with Samm before I leave.

It was the last night with some of the girls tonight. There are certainly a few I will miss, but there are a lot of them that I won't miss at all, and I don't expect to be missed by many in return...I don't really know a nice way to say it, but I almost feel indifferent. I'll miss connecting with patients.

Plans for a movie night with Tammi and the kids tonight, I've practically been living there for the past few weeks on my day off. The Haven is no longer the Haven, Robbie and I are on the move.

Ugh, I agreed to a dinner with my family at 6 tonight, hopefully it doesn't drag on too long tonight...and hopefully I don't get too sick from seeing Emily. I know it isn't her fault. I just never forgave her for that, and now I almost blame her for everything bad that happens to my writing...
xhesika: (tealfashion)
I don't really know how to begin, so I'm just going to dive into it.

Everything has happened so fast, I just don't know how to react. Almost like I would rather go numb and let everything happen. everything just happens.

the funeral was lovely really. she was the first corpse I  saw that didn't look plastic. although i suppose its wrong of me to call her that. she found her blue outfit I suppose. the one i remember her looking for. with the small pink polka dots. the adema had gotten bad, she was rather puffy still.

on the way back from the funeral I agitated things, i told robbie i just couldn't move out of the city. i felt awful for saying it immediatly. with as many things that happened that day he really didn't need me to be wishy washy about the move.

i feel helpless.

we set things straight i suppose, the move is so far planned for july 27, but i have no problem in telling my job to bugger off before then if need be.

but the icing on the cake (or rather the cherry on top, as rob's grandmother's death was the icing), is that when we returned home there was no water. Not because the bill hadn't been paid, but because while we were gone someone broke into the other side of the double, turned off the water, and stole the copper piping.

my house isn't livable. and now i'm a nomad with my bag and my laptop, and a cat on a harness and leash that is living at my parent's house for the time being. that is until the dogs get to her like they tried to earlier.

and now i feel like i'm about to cry, but i just can't get to it. like too many things have happened and i really do just want to let go and curl into a ball and let robbie take care of me like he wanted to. but up north i'll be useless, with no job to help support us, and i still don't feel up to writing, what good am i?

i suppose it got around at work what happened. of course that is my fault, no one elses. I sat at the table and outright said that after the week i had, rob's grandmother's death was hopefully the end, and when they asked about the rest of the week i flat out told them. and they asked, and wondered, why hadn't i said anything before?

i saw a FB message when i logged on earlier today from someone wishing me well. that's all well and good, but i didn't tell anyone at work (save Cammy and Margo) what was going on when it was going on because I don't trust them. i spent the past year and a half putting myself out there and trying to make friends and became outright ostracized from everyone.

i tell myself constantly that i need to be more outgoing, that i need to pull myself out of my shell, but then i look back at all i've done and it frustrates me that I HAVE, I certainly have. But i just don't understand why. but i'm slightly glad all the same. i owe them nothing, no explanation, no thanks, no regrets. just pack up what little i have left and let robbie carry me away.

alright, i think i feel up to crying now.
xhesika: (tealfashion)
Was nothing short of a nightmare, and it looks like its going to bleed into this week.

My house was broken into on the 21st, my family was out of the state for that whole week. The computers were stolen and even though they decided to tear out the speakers, headphones, keyboards, and microphones, they decided that they should just take all the jump drives that had Artemis saved on them. I still have Ritzko, I suppose that's a blessing in disguise. Luckily I had emailed most of Artemis Book 1 to myself to read at work, so I will only have to rewrite the last chapter and the afterword.

I managed to get through work without breaking down in front of my coworkers, but to tell the truth I did have a patient that I found crying at 5 am and I ended up sitting with him and bawling my eyes out right next to him.

My boss has been amazing through everything, however I haven't told her yet that Robbie and I do plan on moving back to Michigan. We're waiting on his job to transfer and we've worked the budget to allow us to live on his salary alone for as long as we need to (while I'm unemployed). I have only told one of my coworkers what happened, and only because she had her house broken into last summer and I felt was the only one who really understood what I was going through. The others know nothing, and I don't plan on telling them anything until I leave, if then.

I stayed at Tammi's house one night, I'll probably do a lot of crashing there this coming week, what was a 6-day stretch of time off has become an 8-day stretch because guess what? To top off the week, Robbie's grandmother passed this morning around 4, and the worst part is that I don't have the strength to cry anymore, even when something really warrants tears. I know how close he was to her, when he said she was back in the hospital with her usual UTI CHF, I figured she would be right as rain and back home when we moved up there. So I work tonight and took vacation for the next two days. Hopefully I can pick up some time around the hospital in the stretch to save up money.

Penelope is still missing, and her sister is all out stressed and lonely now. She cries a lot, can't keep down food, I'm worried about the both of them. So we're taking Persephone up to Michigan with us for the funeral because we don't want to leave her alone for too long, she snuggled up to me for most of last night. I have faith still that we will find Penny, the biggest reason being that we have posters all over the damn place that offer a reward of $100 for her return, along with a picture of her. To be honest, she should be easy to spot, her fur is longer than any other stray, and her coloring is rather unique. It makes me feel better when I see people I've never met combing the area for her, calling out for her, $100 is a small price to pay for her if it gets her home. I know Robbie is lonely without her.

One of the only good things that happened this past week was when my sister came home from vacation and set right all of the mess between me and my parents, she then proceeded to buy me a new laptop, which I am typing this on right now. I'm in the midst of recovering my lost music, but it looks like I may have to wait a bit to get my Sailor Moon replaced, which kinda sucks because I could really use a good laugh right about now. Artemis Book 1 is in its own little folder on here, but I haven't put much work into finishing it yet. I'm still a little numb from the whole experience.

I guess I should start getting cleaned up for work? I have a few hours still, but there is packing to be done if I plan on leaving in the morning for Michigan for the funeral.
xhesika: (Default)
The house was robbed and they took my computer and flash drive.

I came home ALONE to everything gone and turned up-side-down. I have the first 50 chapters on my e-mail, but unless by some miracle we find they tossed a drive somewhere...I will either give up on Artemis or start the last 25 chapters from scratch. I don't even know right now.

To top it off one of the cats got out, she's still missing, and she's afraid of everything.

I'm at my parent's right now, they're away on a family vacation, and when I called them to ask them for help, I was met with no support at all. After talking with Robbie we decided that the best thing to do would be to save up enough to get us back to Michigan with his family. They immediately offered us a place to stay while we got back to our feet. Robbie is working on getting his job transferred, I would be starting from scratch with my school loans to pay...of course he keeps telling me that he'll support me for as long as he has to, even if I never go back to work.

All the sweet things make me cry even more.

At least I get internet on my phone, so my email is raintree.willow@gmail.com, my phone number is 614-580-4551. Text, call, email. It makes me even sadder that most of the people that I've been there for here aren't there for me. I'm lucky to have friends who live far away that I email, who listen to me, but I don't think I'll ever stop crying.

I feel like I'm living that moment of coming home over and over again.

Don't comment on here, I won't be checking my LJ for a LONG while.
xhesika: (Default)
Immediately following my mood swing this morning, I cut my hair.

Well just the front, the back still comes to below my waist, but I did trim the ends thoroughly.

So I've got some posh-katy-perry-ish thing going on which I'm pulling out my headband collection for, and I went to Charming Charlie and nearly died. That place is HEAVEN! SO gorgeous and shiny! I picked up a few headbands from there.

I need to open up a little, I find myself too timid most of the time, I need to just throw myself out there.

I also probably need to see a therapist. With all the dreams and everything going on right now as far as my frustration with work I think a checkup on my mental health wouldn't hurt. ESPECIALLY with the dreams. Morpheus is not letting up.
xhesika: (Default)
...I've been working my way into a depression. I can't seem to shake it no matter how many times Cee Lo Green says Fuck You.

Normally I don't pay it any attention when I get these bouts, but when I actually sit and think about it, its always there.

Samm says, "Finish Artemis." Kyle says, "Finish Artemis." Now I have Kat saying, "Finish Artemis."

It used to be that I thought Morpheus would stop the visits if I finished, but that isn't the case at all it seems.

I'm nearing the final chapter of Book 1, and I have all of Book 2 to write before the story is over for  the reader (Book 3 will never be seen by the public), and while I have a ways to go I'm feeling almost broken.

I have a problem.

I feel like if I do finish Artemis I will be useless, no other story really entrances me.

And these thoughts take me to very dark places.

I need to take a walk.

xhesika: (Caspius Van Dean)
Tons of excerpts in here, stuff that won't be posted on DA, but I think I may have posted a bit of one of the excerpts on a previous entry. I'm having a hard time making headway at this point, mostly because of the content, I can't seem to write one of the scenes without feeling sick, and although I do plan on omitting it from the final project (the chapters will jump from 49 to 51seamlessly and only someone paying close attention will notice), I do need to know what is said in order to make things work after March 0.

That being said, this is completely out of context, but heart-wrenching nonetheless:

"I’ll believe anything you tell me.”

“The sky is red.”

“And a beautiful shade.”


Playing around with the idea of Ambrosia, I've decided to push up Kamen finding the jar, and decided to actually show the discovery. Including a few bittersweet memories of Lillaine, and actually eating some of the poison himself (it isn't like it would effect him anyways.)

“It’s sweet, but not too sweet.” Artemis said with two fingers to her mouth, her eyes still searching the black waves. “It’s delicious, but disgusting at the same time. First it was stuck in my mouth, but then it moved down my throat, and I can feel it in my chest now. I feel heavy, like I’m stuck in a nightmare.” She looked at him, easily meeting his curious eyes, “What is that?”

Van Dean slowly shook his head, “I’ve never felt anything like that, I couldn’t say.”


Arrogant Kamen is someone I want to strangle a little, and I've been told others feel the same way, but it still feels good to give Van Dean a rival that he can't touch, especially with how things seem to be spiraling downwards. Artemis really seems to have become a pawn at this point in the story, and for all practical purposes she's not really doing anything except for going insane. To me this only seems to make the final action in book 1 more inevitable.

"I'll eat your heart." )

Somehow it seems like the roles of Kamen and Rei have become a little jumbled, once Kamen's got no reason to play nice with Van Dean he reverts to the Kamen from the original story, the guy playing hello kitty island adventure on a stake-out and panicking while sliding through Gorgosa on a rope into a death-march (jesus, were the original shenanigans really this wacky?). It works though, he melds perfectly with his Victor Covington persona, and becomes a little more gritty than the oath-bound tragic hero.

"You guys are stalkers." )

xhesika: (changed my mind)
I've been a little down lately. A lot of memories have made their way back to me; some bad, some bittersweet. To make things worse, I can't really work on Artemis like this, my nightmares would get worse. I'm officially to parts that are gruesome enough to be against LiveStream Policy. The events seem only slightly bitter at first, but then I get to thinking about what is going on in the story right now and I feel sick.

I remember the melody of the song from my dream a few months back now. The words are still a blur. And if I've had another dream since the last, I honestly couldn't say, but Robbie tells me I've woken up screaming and crying in the middle of the night a lot lately. I still can't really decipher the last one, but I'm still firm in my resolution to seek help if I get another one that wakes me up like that. I've still got the name of the woman in Pickerington that someone at work recommended. I can't even look at the Tiffany's at Easton without feeling sick. And Swavaroski is another story entirely.

Other than the nightmares, things are okay. I'm going over Ritzko a few times, mostly because when I changed it to first person certain places before my decision don't sound like Bastian. Its just not gritty enough, just needs more ebonics and rough language. Once that is done its going to a few other people for final proofing, then off to be published. It makes me proud, just looking at the giant stack of papers and thinking "I wrote that in less than 10 days and it kicks ass".

There's a large snowpocalypse hitting the midwest right now, and the water dmg is at an all-time high. Of course the landlord wouldn't listen last spring when I told them about it, I expect to get an earful once I tell them "well, it got worse", of course in all the time that my parents have had their house, I don't recall my landlords ever doing any work on this house. So I'm fairly certain the roof is much overdue.

But I'm sleepy now and since its five in the morning I suppose I could check the school closings to see if Samm is free today...closed, yup. Time for me to crash and rest up for later.

sick

Nov. 29th, 2010 11:51 am
xhesika: (abnercadabra)
So. I'm sick. My temperature is all over the damn place, every time I get it back to normal it shoots back up. I'm in the process of losing my voice, AND my ears hurt, I just know those two things are related. I don't have any white spots on the back of my throat, so I don't think it's strep. I just need to work up my system to the point where walking from one point to the next isn't going to shoot my heart rate through the roof.

I wasn't going to call off but I really can't take care of people like this. Biggest point being that they wouldn't be able to hear me.

So far the only thing that's worked on my throat is honey.
xhesika: (changed my mind)
It's started to scare me. The simple fact that all of my recent dreams start out with me in my pajamas. I feel like the gap between this and the past dream was a lot longer than it had been previously. There was no song, but it was a lot more...personal? I can barely describe it. I was able to ask a few questions, get angry with my answers, then.... I do plan on a more lengthy description later.

We've finally bought the deep fryer and I am enjoying all the foods that I stick in it. Curry buns are pretty awesome, but pizza rolls are the best.

I'm currently watching the new "karate" kid. It's the KARATE kid, so why the hell are they doing KUNG FU? Get your shit straight people. Also, any idiot that thinks Detroit actually looks like that IRL needs to go there and get shot. EL-OH-EL. Other than that, it's cute.

Not sure what I'm going to to do for thanksgiving yet, I got a bunch of time off for it, but Robbie is working most of the time. Hopefully we'll be able to go up north for Christmas, but this week it looks like me and the kitties. I do plan on making some of Robbie's favorite fried chicken and asparagus.

I ordered Robbie's Christmas gifts while he was sick in bed last weekend. I'm having fun torturing him with how far they've come so far in the shipping process. I'm planning on ordering some legos for him too soon if I can. But seeing as how I ended up spending roughly 170 on the present that is on its way, I'm not sure how that will go.
xhesika: (jazz hands!)


It's been one of those days, it doesn't help that I keep smelling something that makes me feel queasy. I really think its the detergent. I feel like I was shot in the head. I ended up not having to get my blood drawn because I was crying and throwing up in the office. I was such a wreck I don't think anyone was going to want to poke me.

And now I want to destroy my eardrums, but the music won't go any louder.

Planning a trip tomorrow morning. Going up north to visit Robbie's Grandmother in the hospital and hopefully get the clutch in the car switched out. It's on it's last leg and chances are we may break down on the way in. Hopefully that is not the case.

Ribbons and foils. )
I read over my first copy and noticed a few interesting things that seemed to have evolved, I think Rei always had a stange relationship with Valerie Araceli, but it never went past that before. Now its much more awkward and you don't get the reasoning for it until near the end of the book, right before the Thorn Tower ordeal. It also explains why the Rei-Artemis relationship is so strange.

What would you suspect? )
Hrm.

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