xhesika: (RedBaron)
I have been power-napping on and off for the past 3 days, because I haven't been able to lay down for more than 4 hours at a time.

Matt is in the state for the week and has been here since Friday.

I do not understand how he and Robbie just DON'T seem to need sleep. They're napping now, but dear god, how do you stay awake for that long? Robbie's been having to go to work for the past few nights, so he's been sleeping his normal hours (which baffle me as it is because of how little he sleeps already).

The days have been full of running around all over the place and spontaneous nerf-gun dart fights with the pulp fiction intro music. These fights have happened about 3 times already.

Now I am the only one awake and they are both asleep and I am bored. We're supposed to go to the park in 2 hours, if I can make it that long before going nuts from boredom.
xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
New manager at work, her name is Lea and she is wonderful. I adore her. However others not so much? I'm not alone in that I love her and think she's great for the store, but some people think she's too strict? And others just clash completely. But we'll see what happens in the next few days/weeks and who quits.

Speaking of work, I really need to work on my language. Most of the time I'm good about it, but when I start to get tired...well, I don't think even sailors say the things I do. Maybe I should apologize to Tyler for getting on him about that sex change too....


Anywho, made food today, onigiri, and I ate every last damn morsel, it was delicious. There is a stash under the bed of goodies, I will take a picture and catalog everything for your viewing pleasure later. Its pretty damn impressive, like the zombie apocalypse stash.

I talked to Christina very briefly today, she worked at the Tim Horton's at the hospital, she's a manager there now. She was talking about setting something up so that she and Samm could come visit me. I'm all teary now and want to see them, I miss everyone so much. And I'm back to feeling dead in this place and don't want anyone to see me like this... At least I have time to psych myself up.

Supposed to be working on Jenna, and I love it, suddenly everything comes together and I realize that everything matches up perfectly with no effort, I don't even know how I pulled that off. But I want to work on Artemis. I love the way Artemis makes me feel...no homo. The trouble is that I've already come to terms with the fact that I would have to start over and re-write a lot to get back into the swing of things, and that would take a while. I need to finish Jenna first, then go back over David, then fine tune Gale, then make sure Jenna works, all the while editing Bastian and moving consecutively.

I'm a busy bunny.


Apr. 15th, 2012 09:35 pm
xhesika: (cereal)
So, I never got a call back from Kerry about appointments. I really don't think I'd have the strength to start over with another, but at the moment I'm doing surprisingly well in keeping calm.

Robbie on the other hand actually crawled into bed the other day and said he missed when it was just us.

I guess he's been on edge. On edge enough to scream at one of the neighbors who was asking for money.

Is it bad that I love when he's feisty like this? Not on edge but just IDGAF? It's cute....


Apr. 10th, 2012 06:32 am
xhesika: (cereal)
I wouldn't say I'm a picky eater.

Last night was the first real food I'd had in two days. Two full days. My day off was wasted by trying to eat cheetos and having to sleep off a tummy ache that struck not once but twice.

Rob's mom is home, and that means she does the cooking. I wouldn't mind so much because she also does the cleaning, and I do hate dishes with a passion.

The trouble is she can't cook.

I would be understanding if it were something really strange. But its not. Its the normal stuff burned and dry and disgusting. She got a box of panko. I thought she was going to finally make porkchops right. Normally she just cuts off all of the fat on the porkchop and throws it into a skillet and fries it. No oil, no salt, no butter, no nothing. So panko I was thinking YAY. Turns out she used the panko on mac and cheese in the oven. I don't like mac and cheese in the oven, Never. Mac and cheese is supposed to be gooey soft warm and delicious and cheeeeeeesy. Not hard and dry and bland.

Also, I had heard people at work say they don't like cooking chicken  because they don't like it dry? I've never been able to make chicken and not have it soft and tender and juicy. In the meantime, robbie brings me in a piece of chicken from dinner and feeds it to me in bed and I can't stop choking on it.


I have added soup at hand thingies and a ton of instant ramen to the stash under the bed so I can get some nutrients on my days off and before I go to work. Thinking about it now I probably should have picked up more of the soup cups.

I need to cook soon I think. I miss stir frys and tonkatsu and rice dinners.

xhesika: (Utena)
I rather saw it coming when Steph left the store, but it looks like the manager directly over me is being moved as well and replaced. I'm not too terribly torn up about it, not to seem like an ass or anything, but I had sort of prepared myself for it already, and it isn't like I'll never see him again. Robbie has his number and will probably be wanting to hang out with him more often now.

In the meantime we don't know when his last day will be or when we will meet the new chick that is coming. I'm excited and apprehensive, and at the same time, glad to say that I officially don't owe anyone at that store a thing. Robbie was able to say that when Steph left, but I was unable to say it until Steven announced his transfer. I'm grateful that he helped me get this job, but I'm slightly relieved that he's leaving before I do, I would hate to leave and make him regret ever hiring me.

So, Easter. Up here in the middle of nowhere its like a second Christmas. No joke. Steven was telling me last night that Easter is the second largest profitable holiday after Christmas, even before all of the Thanksgiving hullabaloo. It never seemed to be this was in C-Bus, sure we had Easter parties and baskets, then you go to the bonfire and roast peeps...but that was it, people up here have parties that make me slightly dizzy and anxious. Like, bake a giant Easter cake, buy toys and presents and clothes for the kids... I know its a big holiday otherwise, but this is almost surreal.

And it happened today. That's right, after Robbie begged me to withhold my comments about his father from him he's already getting irked by him. Not even a full week has gone by since they got home and today Robbie came into the room, laid down and said his dad was annoying him and he wanted to wait until he left before he came out of the room again.

I withheld my comments. Not going to say a damn thing about it to him. Newp. I'mma be a good bunny.

Also, the schedule for this week at work. Omg. I have tonight off, then on three, off one, and on two. I thought I was hired in part-time? The money is always welcomed, and with Robbie's parents home I do rather look forward to being out of the house. So the change is welcomed. I was given full time hours last week and will be getting them again this week, and I had almost forgot that one of the girls is going on maternity leave soon, so I'm sure there will be more weeks like these to be had.

On the plant side of things I mixed up a bottle of this soap/water/baking soda spray so I could take the plants outside for some sun later without having to worry about the bugs getting to them. I know the lilac will need some sun, its a nice hearty plant and doesn't need a lot of it, but I don't want to take it outside just to have the bugs attack it. I think I may set it outside and let it spend the day there today.


Apr. 4th, 2012 08:41 pm
xhesika: (RedBaron)
They came back, thankfully I haven't seen much of them.

So the cat. When we had talked to them on the phone about their cat, Tucker, they had said that he had cataracts in one eye. I did a little research and found that cataracts in cats are not common and are caused by infections. Seeing as how Tucker had a raging infection for a year prior to us moving in that was leaking from his jaw out his eye, I assumed that he got it because of the infection. Cataracts aren't contagious, so I'm not worried about Persephone too much. We had still planned on taking her to the vet in a week or two to make sure.

So they get here and basically we get that they never took Tucker to the vet and decided that they assumed they were cataracts. Because if you're bringing a sick cat into contact with another cat its best to assume that they don't have anything contagious, right? Its not like Persephone already caught diseases from their cat.

o wait.

Thankfully, I have a job now and it won't be like before their trip when I was stuck here all night with them in the house. Persephone has already shown distaste with everyone who has returned so she'll most likely be keeping to the room here, which is good because I keep her food in here and there's an adjoined bathroom with her litter there. So we can spend time in here together and it encourages her to snuggle up with Robbie and I at night.

On the non-writing side, I've been sleeping a little more and re-reading a few books. I'm thinking of pulling out Sailor Moon and watching all 200 episodes over again, dubs and subs, someone on Tumblr mentioned that they found it helped with optimism. I haven't pulled out the games, but as I recall I have an entire village of gay lumberjacks on the Sims.

I still don't really feel like talking to anyone, luckily my job leaves me on my own most of the time, and Robbie's been very cuddly and supportive otherwise.

Adding to the list of people I'm disappointed with in my life, I know she didn't mean for it to happen, and I'm sure that it slipped out, but Samm told my mother I was moving back to Ohio. I'm not thrilled.

I'm waiting for a callback from Kerry, I need to set up something with her on a private pay basis at least until I can get the insurance fixed.
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
Robbie took me out and we got salads and went stargazing, then did a little cleaning and snuggled up to watch movies until dawn. It was nice to take a break from everything with him. I love how snuggly he is.

I posted a hiatus on dA today, I don't know if I'm going to be doing a lot of writing in the next few weeks, but I'm def not going to be putting any of it up. Right now, my writing has become one of the most stressful things in my life, and its because it isn't going anywhere. My biggest dream ever since I was little was to be published, but now that I'm so close, I just keep getting pushed back.

I hate thinking about the lack of progress that has been made, it makes me feel sick. So I'm taking a break from all of it for a couple weeks. Going to be concentrating on spending more time with Robbie. Probably not going to be on the lappy so much, but I'll try to make more entries on my journal. I seem to be slipping on that aspect, and it does help me get my thoughts out. So I need that bit.

I had a really disturbing dream that I went to a passover celebration and the lady said that I had to fast before the dinner so i could get the full effect, then Samm came over and pulled me up into what was I guess my room, then started breaking the heels off of all of my shoes and saying that they wouldn't be good for dancing? I was all sorts of wtf, my shoes! Then I woke up and they were all pretty in the closet.

Maybe I need more shoes.


Mar. 15th, 2012 07:49 am
xhesika: (RedBaron)
So after all the trouble I went through telling my mother about my diagnosis and attempting to get her help with the insurance, she sends me an e-mail saying the doctor wouldn't do it and sends me a list of doctors to look into. I'm sure she's trying to help, but it just seems like yet another let down. And I've never actually had a primary care doctor, not even growing up, so I really have nothing to go on.

My parents are all sorts of disappoint.

In the meantime, I noticed that I'm starting to do it again. The last time we lived up here I had a hard time, I got really cynical and...just a complete bitch, I remember really really hurting Robbie over it, I'm glad he doesn't remember. We got into a small argument last night and I couldn't help but think that it was just like the last time. I was having Robbie put the lappies in the safe and he made the comment, "at least when my parents get home we won't have to worry about locking up the lappies." To which I said, "your parents are the REASON we have to lock up our lappies." Yeah, he got pretty curt over that, but at the same time I know he agrees, the problem is that my comments like that are constant, and I really can't help it.

Had an appointment with Kerry yesterday, we're trying to work out a private-pay while I work on insurance shyte. She's worried about me not being in therapy when Robbie's parents come home, and to be honest, I am as well.

I'm going to spend the day with Tammi this Sunday, hopefully that will help.

xhesika: (cooking gaga)
The chick at H&R hasn't filed our state taxes yet apparently, we were told that she would give us a call when they were done so that we could come and pay for them, there was some kind of trouble because they didn't have the forms for people coming from out of state? IDK. Seems like something a place that specializes in tax returns would have on hand, but w/e. There IS a reason why they give legal guarantees.

In the meantime, my federal came and of course the brunt of it is going into savings. I did however get Robbie his lappy! Yayness, something to occupy us when his parents get back. Of course Robbie is refusing to tell his parents and would rather wait until they returned to see it for themselves, if they say anything at all. He said something about his father not understanding the terms "investment", "savings", and "long-term goals".

Working tonight, but not too worried about it because I'm going to be painting walls rather than stocking shelves.  A nice break from the usual.

Oh, and I'm probably not going to be able to continue with Kerry. Not by choice. Apparently my insurance company changed their mind on whether or not they would cover the appointments. Of course they wait until I'm diagnosed with a legitimate illness and then say "oh well, you're aetna affiliated, but you're not part of the mount carmel trinity health system, so we won't help." Its bullshit, why is it that the insurance covers my sister's hematologist, but won't cover my appointments then?

Don't know what'll happen yet, I have an appt. tomorrow and we'll see what happens from there. Figures, I find a doctor I like and I can't use her.


Feb. 27th, 2012 09:33 pm
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
Cher -- Believe
Haddaway -- What is Love
Pat Benatar -- Love is a Battlefield

Ryan and I are listening to all sorts of fun music and trying to wake up Robbie, he's just conscious enough to sing along, not much else.
xhesika: (tealfashion)
I don't think getting back to Artemis would hurt so much if the content didn't hit so close to home now. I remember writing the absolute devastation of the characters in those final moments and finding myself in tears because of how powerful the ending was. I don't think I'll be able to ever write an ending to rival it. I opened up the document, set on just barreling through, but I've only written about two hundred words, and none of it information vital to the story line. I guess I still need some time.

Yesterday was good, despite the ending. We were all woken in the early hours of the day to a woman pounding on the door screaming fire and instantly everyone is thinking, "holy shit the house is on fire." Matt had been sleeping on the floor and I guess he has rug burns from where he rolled onto his stomach and started doing the army crawl while half asleep (lol). It turns out the house next door was on fire, and so the guys got their shemogs soaked and used them as breathing masks while they banged one doors.

The house had too have been burning for hours, you could see fire in the basement and there was black smoke everywhere, luckily the 90 year old man who lived there is apparently in the hospital, he has dementia, diabetes, and a few other things I think, so he wouldn't have been able to get out of the house very quickly had he been in there.

The fire department took over ten minutes to get there, and they ended up having to come back 4 times throughout the day. Apparently the whole first floor is burned out. The whole house is boarded up now, they think the fire started in the basement. Of course we all have an idea of what happened, but no one knows the exact cause right now.

We had delicious pancakes for breakfast, and chai lattes, and watched movies and did a little running around. The day was prime until the end. We went to visit a friend of Matt and Robbie's who has pancreatitis and is getting a spleen removal on the 29th. I actually started to feel dizzy when Robbie started talking about last June, and by the time we got out of the house on the way to the car I couldn't focus my eyes on anything. I don't want to know how wrecked I looked, apparently it was enough for Robbie to understand what was going on when we were on our way out the door. We ended up coming home and leaving Matt in the living room while Robbie and I laid in bed for a while.

I told him everything, didn't hold back on anything that I was thinking.

I'm still a little teary. I hate this so much. I'm falling apart physically now. I've had to wear my wrist in a splint for the past week, only able to take it off long enough to do dishes and shower, I've had to sleep in it. My wrist started hurting at work the other night and it got to the point where I had to stop for a while, the splint was instant relief. I need to see a doctor about it. I don't want to depend on the splint, already when I take it off I can see the weaker and disheveled looking imprint of it on my arm...it reminds me of those holocaust pictures.

Its harder to sleep all night, I don't have an appatite, and the dreams keep waking me up. To top it off my parents are pestering me about coming to see me and I just don't want to see them. I still feel like they completely abandoned me when I needed them the most, because, well, they did.

I have an appointment at 11 with Kerry, we'll see how I feel after that.

Strangely enough, still one of the better V-Day's I've had.

xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe depression. Currently my therapist is convinced there's no need for medication, however, she's also worried that I may be repressing a lot of older memories on top of everything else.

Its weird, because I used to see therapists for depression when I was younger, and they would schedule me for visits once a month, she's pretty adamant about me getting in once a week at the least. Her name is Kerry, and she's very nice.

I think the worst part is when she tells me I'm justified, that I have every right to cry, I'd really rather her tell me I'm crazy and its all in my head. At least then I could push it away and move on.

In the meantime I have a doctor telling me I shouldn't see my parents if I don't feel up to it. Its really weird to be reinforced on that front.

I talked with Robbie briefly about the diagnosis, our relationship seems to have been on edge up until now, its relaxed more since I talked with him, getting back to our comfy zone.

I feel a lot better since seeing her this week, I'll be going again next week too. For the first time in months I feel like I'm going to make it to my birthday.

Now to try to regain that 18 pounds...

Psychotic dreams need to quit it too, suddenly I'm dreaming again and I just wake up in cold sweats, thoroughly disturbed. Won't be posting the dreams up here any time soon, although will be talking to Kerry about them.


Feb. 6th, 2012 02:52 pm
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
Home from the store with raspberry lollipops.

Robbie: "Is it good?"
Me: *Holding lollipop out to him* "Want to try?"
Robbie: *kisses* "Ooh, raspberry."
Me: *Melting with the biggest wide-eyed puppy look ever*

I think one of these days Robbie is going to confess having read Artemis and will revel in his triumph of trolling me hardcore.


Jan. 23rd, 2012 07:26 am
xhesika: (cereal)
And not gracefully either.

My eating habits haven't been the best lately. I eat at work with Robbie, but most of the time I'm just not hungry or I just forget.

Its really weird to forget that I need to eat.

This was not a problem tonight, I ate:

Soup and 2 dumplings
4 Onigiri (tuna and umeboshi)
6 Hotdog squids (so cute!)
An avocado
5 capri suns
2 cans of Dr. Pepper

And some cookies.

I feel so bloated and happy.

Robbie brought home milk, and more snacks. I can make pudding now! ...If I don't explode first.

xhesika: (bambi)
*Morning regime of 20 sit ups for Robbie and me*

Robbie: *Does all of his easily, hops up, and gets in position to hold my feet for me.* "Okay, like yesterday."
Me: *struggling* "O-one....t-two...th-th-gah! I can't, my abs hurt too much from yesterday!"
Robbie: *Laughing in disbelief* "What?"
Me: "I do not excercise! Are you kidding?"
Robbie: "Jellybelly."
Me: "I am not! You're an asshole!"
Robbie: "Fine, not a jellybelly, a pumpkin. Thirty tomorrow."
Me: "You can't do that! We should start slow! What if it hurts tomorrow?"
Robbie: "Does it really hurt?"
Me: "Do you realize what we've been doing the past few days?"

Exercising like bunnies. In spring. With the fate of the species in their paws.
xhesika: (Default)
I need time to let it sink in I think.

I'm sure I'll be crying eventually, but right now I don't know how to feel.

He said he "wouldn't be opposed to moving back to columbus, not columbus, maybe dublin."

I immediatly felt dizzy and unsure of everything, I still feel that way. I need to sleep on it I think.


Nov. 4th, 2011 09:15 pm
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
After visiting the hospital tonight I've realized a few things about the spot I'm at right now.

I'm in a position where I have been able to do the thing I love and be supported by someone I love. I may go nuts and bored and want a job every now and again, but in the end I'm very happy with being able to write like I love to.

So we're in C-Bus for the weekend, Robbie is leaving tomorrow to go further south for a few days, I meanwhile am staying in the city to visit with family and friends. When we return to Waterford we have the luxury of having the house all to ourselves. We did shopping before leaving, so I am extra interested in all the delicious things that I am going to cook.

Also, 10k into my NaNo project, Gale, and suddenly the story is deviating into much more passionate territory than I had originally planned. I guess I'll never be able to completely control my characters.

Also also, am I the only one who truly believes that FB needs to come down? I know ANON rumors are all over, but it would be nice to show the larger corporations and bigwigs that people in general can still twist the screws.
xhesika: (tealfashion)
I had another interview tonight, this time at meijer's, in a different department than Robbie, but that was what I wanted anyways. Also not a cashier position, so yay. It went well, Robbie came home for lunch and said that Steph, the manager had stated that I'm pretty much a sure thing for the job, they just have to wait for my background check to come back and get me set up with one last interview as a formality.

So yay!

In the meantime, NaNoWriMo is coming up. Originally I had planned to try for a book with seven chapters, basically about a motel through 7 days of the week and the people who stay there. So more of a compilation of interwoven short stories. I have since changed my mind. David is going to be finished by November, I've got the ending worked out in my mind and the plots for the next book in place. I plan on moving on to Gale for NaNoWriMo.

I'm excited to do this, I can't remember ever reading a book from the villain's POV.

In the meantime I think Bastian may be under control, or getting back under control. Things are looking up, but the publication has still been pushed back to after the new year, which is okay with me.

Looking to go to C-Bus on the 5th and 6th of November as well. Robbie is going further south to see friends, and I'mma be crashing at my parent's for those days and visiting with my sister. I need to give Tammi a call so I can crash and give her the presents I've been collecting for her, LOL.

I love that Robbie listens to just as much Maroon 5 as I do...for slightly different reasons, but still!
xhesika: (Utena)
I have an interview with Charming Charlie tomorrow. I am extra excited, and so happy that a store I loved so much is coming to the area. Even moreso that I have finally gotten a call back from the sites and sites of applications I exhausted.

Tucker is incredibly sick, the steroid shot he was given the first time he went to the vet wore off and apparently weakened his immune system. He was veggy-like for a few days (poor thing) and has started to perk up after all the antibiotics we've been giving him. Persephone has been staying away from him and treating him like a leper.

I believe that Robbie has started to really miss the city. He's expressed that he's tired of the same routine, of course when I ask him what he would like to do when he comes home from work, he has no idea. Which to be honest, is because there is nothing.

I have been surviving with my writing, and have actually started a dA account for porn. No, it is in no way associated with my main account, so you'd be lucky if you ever find it.

Back to writing porn for now.
xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
Robbie took me for coffee this morning, then we drove around.

We went looking at houses mostly, the nice ones, big houses that you'd like to fill for Christmas.

I don't know what happened. It never happened before, but I started feeling absolutely terrible, achy throat and welled up eyes terrible, and at first I didn't know what was wrong, at first I didn't understand why I was so upset all of a sudden doing something I used to like. I broke down once or twice, Robbie was completely confused, and I know I cry a lot these days and he's probably seen more than his share of it.

I talked about my grandparents a little. Memories of things we used to do when I was little and they had the house in Findlay.  Stargazing with my grandma. My grandpa's very recent stroke, that made me cry again.

Eventually I understood why I was so upset over the houses. Before, no matter how extravagant it was, nothing seemed out of reach. Not a million dollar home, not the world, anything was possible. Now I don't feel that hope, and no matter how many times I told myself, "finish writing your books, finish editing, get back on track" nothing seemed to help.

When I did figure out what made me upset, Robbie had me tell him, and I think he liked the reason even less than me actually crying.

I think I may actually need an anti-depressant of some sort. I may need to actually seek help about this, because I can't seem to pull myself out of this. I just keep snuggling up in bed and crying over sections of Artemis.

I think right now it helps even less that Robbie keeps throwing out completely Covington phrases.


xhesika: (Default)

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