Feb. 27th, 2012 09:33 pm
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
Cher -- Believe
Haddaway -- What is Love
Pat Benatar -- Love is a Battlefield

Ryan and I are listening to all sorts of fun music and trying to wake up Robbie, he's just conscious enough to sing along, not much else.
xhesika: (bushbride)
Winamp is trolling me, TWICE in one day already.

They were a diversion, merely a diversion, and as Adam took a step back in initial horror before reaching for each of the animals and breaking what necks he could reach without spilling any of their blood I made my own attack.

Winamp's choice: Tom Jones -- It's not unusual

Grimacing and seething with pure hatred for me he pulled the knife from my shoulder and began to hack at me with it, slashing and tearing at my throat and chest, and making a desperate attempt to cause me to pull back from him, for he wanted nothing more than to flee in that moment.

Winamp's choice: Micheal Bublé -- Crazy Love
xhesika: (tealfashion)
I had another interview tonight, this time at meijer's, in a different department than Robbie, but that was what I wanted anyways. Also not a cashier position, so yay. It went well, Robbie came home for lunch and said that Steph, the manager had stated that I'm pretty much a sure thing for the job, they just have to wait for my background check to come back and get me set up with one last interview as a formality.

So yay!

In the meantime, NaNoWriMo is coming up. Originally I had planned to try for a book with seven chapters, basically about a motel through 7 days of the week and the people who stay there. So more of a compilation of interwoven short stories. I have since changed my mind. David is going to be finished by November, I've got the ending worked out in my mind and the plots for the next book in place. I plan on moving on to Gale for NaNoWriMo.

I'm excited to do this, I can't remember ever reading a book from the villain's POV.

In the meantime I think Bastian may be under control, or getting back under control. Things are looking up, but the publication has still been pushed back to after the new year, which is okay with me.

Looking to go to C-Bus on the 5th and 6th of November as well. Robbie is going further south to see friends, and I'mma be crashing at my parent's for those days and visiting with my sister. I need to give Tammi a call so I can crash and give her the presents I've been collecting for her, LOL.

I love that Robbie listens to just as much Maroon 5 as I do...for slightly different reasons, but still!
xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
Robbie took me for coffee this morning, then we drove around.

We went looking at houses mostly, the nice ones, big houses that you'd like to fill for Christmas.

I don't know what happened. It never happened before, but I started feeling absolutely terrible, achy throat and welled up eyes terrible, and at first I didn't know what was wrong, at first I didn't understand why I was so upset all of a sudden doing something I used to like. I broke down once or twice, Robbie was completely confused, and I know I cry a lot these days and he's probably seen more than his share of it.

I talked about my grandparents a little. Memories of things we used to do when I was little and they had the house in Findlay.  Stargazing with my grandma. My grandpa's very recent stroke, that made me cry again.

Eventually I understood why I was so upset over the houses. Before, no matter how extravagant it was, nothing seemed out of reach. Not a million dollar home, not the world, anything was possible. Now I don't feel that hope, and no matter how many times I told myself, "finish writing your books, finish editing, get back on track" nothing seemed to help.

When I did figure out what made me upset, Robbie had me tell him, and I think he liked the reason even less than me actually crying.

I think I may actually need an anti-depressant of some sort. I may need to actually seek help about this, because I can't seem to pull myself out of this. I just keep snuggling up in bed and crying over sections of Artemis.

I think right now it helps even less that Robbie keeps throwing out completely Covington phrases.


Sep. 16th, 2011 03:05 am
xhesika: (bushbride)
Me: "I search myself, I want you to find me. I forget myself, I want you remind me. I don't want anybody else--"

Rob: "When I think about~ you I touch myself."

xhesika: (Default)
I need to find a good artist to listen to while I write FTDDDJ, for the first book it was nothing but Maroon 5, because it fit Bastian. The next will definitely be Goldfrapp, because it's pure Ritz. I'm not sure about the last one yet tho, I'm leaning towards AC/DC and all the good oldies. I'm just sort of on shuffle for this one now, but I don't think I mind it so much. Its certainly not moving as fast as it could, but then again, when I wrote the first book I didn't expect to be writing sequels, now as I'm writing I'm thinking about what I want to happen later on, and how everything I want to tie in will work out.

I am loving some of this back-story that the reader gets from David.

I'm liking the Ritzko Project more now that I'm working on sequels and I'm pretty sure that its because I ended the first book so quickly and there were a lot of loose ends that were never tied up. I don't actually expect to ever tie up all those loose ends, but the reader does eventually figure out what all is going on by the end of book 3 (i fully expect more loose ends to be uncovered by the end of this book), and Jenna is really the only character that ever pieces everything together.

The biggest problem I seem to keep encountering on this project is that each of the characters that are narrating are withholding information from each other, so things that Bastian explained to the reader in book 1 have to be discovered by David (unless Bastian has already mentioned it to him, but there is a lot he never told David).

I love writing Gale and Ritz, they're such a kickass combo.
xhesika: (tealfashion)
Was nothing short of a nightmare, and it looks like its going to bleed into this week.

My house was broken into on the 21st, my family was out of the state for that whole week. The computers were stolen and even though they decided to tear out the speakers, headphones, keyboards, and microphones, they decided that they should just take all the jump drives that had Artemis saved on them. I still have Ritzko, I suppose that's a blessing in disguise. Luckily I had emailed most of Artemis Book 1 to myself to read at work, so I will only have to rewrite the last chapter and the afterword.

I managed to get through work without breaking down in front of my coworkers, but to tell the truth I did have a patient that I found crying at 5 am and I ended up sitting with him and bawling my eyes out right next to him.

My boss has been amazing through everything, however I haven't told her yet that Robbie and I do plan on moving back to Michigan. We're waiting on his job to transfer and we've worked the budget to allow us to live on his salary alone for as long as we need to (while I'm unemployed). I have only told one of my coworkers what happened, and only because she had her house broken into last summer and I felt was the only one who really understood what I was going through. The others know nothing, and I don't plan on telling them anything until I leave, if then.

I stayed at Tammi's house one night, I'll probably do a lot of crashing there this coming week, what was a 6-day stretch of time off has become an 8-day stretch because guess what? To top off the week, Robbie's grandmother passed this morning around 4, and the worst part is that I don't have the strength to cry anymore, even when something really warrants tears. I know how close he was to her, when he said she was back in the hospital with her usual UTI CHF, I figured she would be right as rain and back home when we moved up there. So I work tonight and took vacation for the next two days. Hopefully I can pick up some time around the hospital in the stretch to save up money.

Penelope is still missing, and her sister is all out stressed and lonely now. She cries a lot, can't keep down food, I'm worried about the both of them. So we're taking Persephone up to Michigan with us for the funeral because we don't want to leave her alone for too long, she snuggled up to me for most of last night. I have faith still that we will find Penny, the biggest reason being that we have posters all over the damn place that offer a reward of $100 for her return, along with a picture of her. To be honest, she should be easy to spot, her fur is longer than any other stray, and her coloring is rather unique. It makes me feel better when I see people I've never met combing the area for her, calling out for her, $100 is a small price to pay for her if it gets her home. I know Robbie is lonely without her.

One of the only good things that happened this past week was when my sister came home from vacation and set right all of the mess between me and my parents, she then proceeded to buy me a new laptop, which I am typing this on right now. I'm in the midst of recovering my lost music, but it looks like I may have to wait a bit to get my Sailor Moon replaced, which kinda sucks because I could really use a good laugh right about now. Artemis Book 1 is in its own little folder on here, but I haven't put much work into finishing it yet. I'm still a little numb from the whole experience.

I guess I should start getting cleaned up for work? I have a few hours still, but there is packing to be done if I plan on leaving in the morning for Michigan for the funeral.
xhesika: (Default)
Immediately following my mood swing this morning, I cut my hair.

Well just the front, the back still comes to below my waist, but I did trim the ends thoroughly.

So I've got some posh-katy-perry-ish thing going on which I'm pulling out my headband collection for, and I went to Charming Charlie and nearly died. That place is HEAVEN! SO gorgeous and shiny! I picked up a few headbands from there.

I need to open up a little, I find myself too timid most of the time, I need to just throw myself out there.

I also probably need to see a therapist. With all the dreams and everything going on right now as far as my frustration with work I think a checkup on my mental health wouldn't hurt. ESPECIALLY with the dreams. Morpheus is not letting up.
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
So apparently Morpheus knows GaGa.

And it was glorious.
xhesika: (Default)
...I've been working my way into a depression. I can't seem to shake it no matter how many times Cee Lo Green says Fuck You.

Normally I don't pay it any attention when I get these bouts, but when I actually sit and think about it, its always there.

Samm says, "Finish Artemis." Kyle says, "Finish Artemis." Now I have Kat saying, "Finish Artemis."

It used to be that I thought Morpheus would stop the visits if I finished, but that isn't the case at all it seems.

I'm nearing the final chapter of Book 1, and I have all of Book 2 to write before the story is over for  the reader (Book 3 will never be seen by the public), and while I have a ways to go I'm feeling almost broken.

I have a problem.

I feel like if I do finish Artemis I will be useless, no other story really entrances me.

And these thoughts take me to very dark places.

I need to take a walk.

Home Again

Feb. 17th, 2011 04:43 pm
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
The trip up north was fun, but once again I’m left with the all too familiar “nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there”. It’s nice that it’s so wide open, the air does feel cleaner, and things are much simpler, but at the same time nothing changes. I noticed this even with the music on the radio, I swear the music hasn’t changed since I lived there two years ago. This isn’t entirely the radio station’s fault, they are the only rock/alternative station up there (not joking, there is only one radio station worth listening to), but at the same time I would have liked to hear at least one new song that came out in the past two years.

I’m glad Robbie did notice a few things though; he told me in the car ride home that going back was a good way to see how far we’ve come. How we came back from the city with all these stories to tell and when we ask “how have you been” the answer was always “eh, the same”. I suppose that sort of setting can be nice, but I feel like it also encourages the younger generation living up there to not be as ambitious as someone in the city. And not all the kids, there are some stronger ones, but so many just fall into stereotypes and are okay with that. Like they aren’t willing to push away and make their own.

Something funny happened on the way home, from Michigan we take 23S to the 475 loop around Toledo to 75S, once on 75S there is an exit for 75N/23S, but we want to stay on 75S for about 40 mi longer. I guess Robbie wasn’t paying attention because we got right back on 75N on accident and I didn’t notice until we had passed the mosque and the Perrysburg water tower and were at my Grandparent’s exit. We just happened to get off at said exit to turn around and ended up visiting them.

It was a nice visit, it was nice to see them again, but after the visit, and near the end I felt like I would burst into tears. I don’t really know why, I mean I have a few ideas, but as to why I felt so depressed afterward was incredibly novel for me. Thinking about it makes me feel like crap now, growing up I remember them being so much stronger, but my Grandpa has fallen I don’t know how many times in the past year, and his short term memory hasn’t been the same since he hit his head and had to be hospitalized for a brain hemorrhage. They talked about going to a retirement home, but my Grandma is very skeptical, and with all of her heart history it almost seems like it would be beneficial for her to continue to live at the house to get her exercise with the stairs (the two of them just need to learn to take things slower). Personally I think they just need someone with a home health service to come visit them.

Then they asked if I would be coming to vacation this year. Well, nice to know I would be welcome with them.

I think my problem is that I see elderly die almost every time I go to work. One of the major reasons I need to get off that floor is my own mental stability. I get too attached and I feel crushed inside when another passes. I’ll pray to any and every god that they have the luck of passing peacefully at home, I don’t think I could stand seeing them in a hospital bed, and I wouldn’t want their last memories of the family to be like that.

I think I might just snuggle up on the couch with the cats tonight and watch some opera.
xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
I haven't been to sleep yet, and I really don't want to either. It isn't that I'm not tired, I just spent ten minutes shuffling through my music because I wanted to listen to Goldfrapp and I couldn't remember where "G" was in the alphabet. I could listen to my dramatic reading of "My Immortal" and not lose and brain cells. I'm that fried right now.

I had come to the conclusion that I would wait a few weeks to see this psychic that was recommended, and I still plan to, but it's going to be harder to put off. Because I came to realize that I've been putting off sleep more and more every day, and I even pick up hours at work to avoid it. I started sleeping with a teddy bear again. And the worst of it is that in the past the dreams were more intense when it was that time of the month. Used to be that if I was off my period and Robbie was in bed beside me I could sleep easy, but the last few dreams broke all those hopes...

So its that time again. I feel like I'm going to fall face-first into my keyboard.

If I at least knew that they were nothing, just weird dreams, that would be enough. Every time I try to shrug them off they come back stronger.
xhesika: (Caspius Van Dean)
Okay, I'm a sap. I admit it.

I opened up Artemis for the first time in a month today. I read over the past few chapters to bring myself back up to speed. So I get to one of the smaller chapters, one I wasn't planning on posting online, but I think I'll give a little on this one.

I opened the file and my music happened to shuffle to a song that seems to fit Kamen's decent into madness a little too perfectly.

Play the music while you read, you'll get the same experience I did after opening it up after a month.

I feel all sorts of "aww" every time I read this. )
xhesika: (cooking gaga)

xhesika: (hero)
Maroon 5 is underplayed on the radio.

I feel like the night should be over, but I've got more plans for it yet.

The full chapter is on DA, I really like this one. There's a lot of action, flashyback thingys from Kamen's POV, service banter. I feel all sorts of sad when he ties the ribbon to Necrosis. Not going to lie, there's a sentence: Artemis had been completely skittish about most of the contact Kamen had attempted the night before despite his intentions being innocent. It was changed almost immediately after it was written to: Artemis had been completely skittish about most of the contact Kamen had attempted the night before despite his intentions being mostly innocent. Because Kamen's noble and all, but he's not all that noble.

He's really rather emo when you get down to it. ...and arrogant...and jealous...and he's really shiesty as Victor Covington, crap, who's the villain here again?

Rei gets his ass handed to him. )
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
I'm thinking about going to sleep here soon. I have four days off and I have no idea how I plan to use them yet. I know I still have a bit of editing to do, I'm not sure when or how I want to go about it.

Zen Cha let me down for the first time. I guess they decided to get rid of tuna AND umiboshi onigiri. Those would be the two kinds we always get, they're completely traditional and it looks like once again the only way I'll be able to eat them is if I make them in my own kitchen. Its saddening, because now I see not much reason to go there as often as I would like, maybe once or twice more so that I can try their Darjeeling (I still haven't because I'm worried I'll hate it.). Other than that I'll have to wait and see what their winter menu is.

Of course I would talk about sleep with an extra large kahve in hand. I'm officially too tired for depth perception.

I have a livestream account. For the record. I was thinking about using it to broadcast my work on my picture book! Something I talked about with Samm a while back. A lot of stories have their own "bible" which is basically just that, it explains how things are the way they are in the story etc. The picture book would be the buenan creation story, Celeste and the Ancients, the birth of buenans, and Ellioweish. If I can pull it off I would be tempted to do something similar with Thorn Tower.  I need to get more familiar with my table before I attempt something like that. I do however need to pull out Google Sketchup and plot out the structures to use as reference.

Speaking of plotting out, I have an old project/story/comic I was writing for Samm years back that I wanted to go back to and finish. The issue is that I really really want to do it comic, the issue with that is figuring out a distinct style for it, and then again, it requires me to become more familiar with my tablet. So it will probably have to wait in either case, and self-publishing a regular book version couldn't hurt too much either. I'm very interested in looking into Barns and Noble's Publit a little closer. Apparently they have their own self-publishing tools for writers, the issue is finding out if they reserve the rights to the work.

No excerpt this time, I've been a bit blocked for the past few days and music isn't really helping. It isn't that I don't know where I want the chapter to go, its just using a new technique that I haven't played around with at all before. Basically the previous scene presented through Kamen's fractured memories later while there's an active scene going on. Very busy and will require a lot of editing once it is finished.

In other news, I'm working on a winter Clovinian BDU set for myself. I just need to get proper fabric for the epaulettes and some gold thread to create the rank. I got my hands on a "Chambers" standard military nametag. The handy thing about their uniforms is that they aren't very decorated as far as medals etc., BUT to complete this I am going to need a rank pin. Which I will have to have made special. How does one go about that anyways?


Oct. 19th, 2010 10:13 am
xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
One of these days I need to record some of the conversations Kyle and I have while editing. I feel like I haven't laughed so hard in ages.

I feel like a chinese.

I have a shoe addiction. A bad one at that. I just ordered a couple new pairs, the pair I couldn't find at Wet Seal the other day and another that I wanted but was unable to find and ended up settling with another pair. I don't regret it at all now though, I officially have a pair of Haruka Tenou's (Sailor Uranus) boots in black! I didn't even realize until I got them home. They would be the only pair of shoes I've gotten from that store that seems to need an insole. Most of the time their pumps are VERY comfy, my red pair are awesome to spend the day in.

Hombre del Saco )

I love Garbage. Shirley Manson's voice is pure sex, but that guitar? Wow. Want moar.


Oct. 11th, 2010 08:55 am
xhesika: (Default)

Beautiful choreography, beautiful actresses, beautiful music.

Yes, Devdas is my favorite Bollywood movie.

aitai yo

Sep. 7th, 2010 08:22 am
xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
I admit when I first had the previously described dream the song faded quickly, but I could remember the tune. Now its gone completely and I think I may have heard something I shouldn't have. It was too perfect...well that and damn, I didn't know he could sing.

It wasn't just singing it was a more pained noise. Like the pull of a cello, or the way Death calls out for Elizabeth in the Takarazuka (I fangirl squee over the way he says her name every time, shit you not). Come inside, stay with me, something like that but much more enticing.

I felt nothing when I heard it, and by nothing I don't mean it didn't faze me, I mean it fazed me completely. The entire situation was glazed over and nothing mattered any more, no pain, nothing. Not even the fact that I was only in a gaga tee and underwear.

I think its the closest I've gotten to a naked dream. And it wasn't even kinky. FUCK.

Maybe its better that I've forgotten the tune. Maybe its a treat I should savor. Maybe I'll get it again.

I got so much writing done! I was excited to get to some of the fun stuff, hopefully I'll be able to post this chapter on DA by the end of the week, because it's looking like one I'm willing to show as an official excerpt.
xhesika: (Caspius Van Dean)
I must have been watching too much Stars because it started out with those. They were bigger, able to hold about ten people each and they popped out of the ground. There was no telephone inside, but a small monitor and a bizzarre keyboard, the numbers 0-9 vertical and then the letters alphabetically.

They were going towards this old building in swarms. It was a school, and I was standing in the soccer field.

He was there next to me, hair cropped short, not in the usual white, but black. "I want to go home." "Come inside for a little." He took me by the hand and sang a song I was certain I had heard before. I STILL think I've heard it before. I can barely remember the words, but I don't think I've ever heard a voice so beautiful.

The school was a mess on the inside, papers and trash everywhere. the wallpaper hung down from the ceiling and the stairs fell through in various places. "I want to go home." "Stay awhile."

A booth monitor was on the landing of the stairs and I was working with it almost immediately. First I put in my address, then it began to ask me questions: "Are you certain?" "No one is home." "You realize you have no key." I laughed at the last one and exclaimed, "it knows I lost my key." But he was gone and there was a strange sort of monster at the top of the stairs now.

The arrows were small, and to be honest I have no idea how many got stuck in  my left shoulder and side. It got blurry from there, I ended up cavorting with one of the monsters and they poured oil down on the others while I half played the piano (cause I can apparently do that...).

I still don't know his name.


xhesika: (Default)

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