xhesika: (cooking gaga)
Robbie took me out and we got salads and went stargazing, then did a little cleaning and snuggled up to watch movies until dawn. It was nice to take a break from everything with him. I love how snuggly he is.

I posted a hiatus on dA today, I don't know if I'm going to be doing a lot of writing in the next few weeks, but I'm def not going to be putting any of it up. Right now, my writing has become one of the most stressful things in my life, and its because it isn't going anywhere. My biggest dream ever since I was little was to be published, but now that I'm so close, I just keep getting pushed back.

I hate thinking about the lack of progress that has been made, it makes me feel sick. So I'm taking a break from all of it for a couple weeks. Going to be concentrating on spending more time with Robbie. Probably not going to be on the lappy so much, but I'll try to make more entries on my journal. I seem to be slipping on that aspect, and it does help me get my thoughts out. So I need that bit.

I had a really disturbing dream that I went to a passover celebration and the lady said that I had to fast before the dinner so i could get the full effect, then Samm came over and pulled me up into what was I guess my room, then started breaking the heels off of all of my shoes and saying that they wouldn't be good for dancing? I was all sorts of wtf, my shoes! Then I woke up and they were all pretty in the closet.

Maybe I need more shoes.
xhesika: (tealfashion)
No Morpheus, but plenty of kick-ass GaGa...not naked tho, and certainly not dancing on the highway.

She hides in the zoo, in a hidden room below the lion's cage, in animal print vinyl dresses and black heels, but that day she was fighting a force she used to work for. A hidden evil in the bright city that she couldn't venture into anymore.

She hires people to help her decent into a 13 sub-basement lair to--she tells them--exact her revenge on the mob boss that outed her to the feds.

Its a Dante-esque journey for the group, each level has jungles, caverns, moonscapes, and monsters each more terrible than the last.

The final level, the 13th sub-floor, is vacant, and she sends her assassins to the terrace to confront her enemy, but she does not want to exact revenge, she wants to re-join, and she has sent the assassins to the wolves and they are killed immediately, offered as human sacrifice, payment for her entry.

She flees in a series of back exits as they scream for her, and she emerges from the lion's cage in a brisk strut, unhindered by the journey, looking fabulous, and ready to take on the city as she used to.

I approach her that night, at a cafe around a carousel. The city is booming in the dark night. She says not much as I ask to join her, only orders me a mojito with her and gestures to the chair.

I tell her her own story, and she knows that its hers, but she says nothing, then asks for mine.

"I have nothing, and here I am."

xhesika: (Default)
And I was eating, I forgot what it was like to get hungry. The days blended together for a while there with work, I was only really eating twice a day. I had four days off and I was eating like crazy...like I used to apparently.

Appointment with the surgeon for Robbie today, we'll see how that goes.

Bastian progress is going, slowly but surely. I don't know if we'll make the deadline for the penguin books competition, and I didn't even plan on saying anything about it here, but what the hell. I haven't really said anything about it to anyone. I just don't usually enter writing contests.... I don't even really know when they're going on. I guess I should try for that more this year.

So back to the whole time off from work bit, I only work one day next week. The paycheck will be suffering, but I'm determined to throw myself into my writing. Its all I have left really. I guess I've got nothing left to lose, all of my practical plans fell through, all I have left are the dreams. I want to take a trip to clear my head, get to a city. Not c-bus, somewhere new where I could just wander and clear my head looking at new things.

Speaking of dreams. I had one around Christmas. No Morpheus. I was wrapped up in turquoise ribbon on the beach gasping for air. I pulled myself out of bed and grabbed my lappy quick to write down the words and descriptions, and to be quite honest that is what I have down for one of my future projects. The whole mermaid returning to the sea. It's going to hit close to home, its going to be a recount of the dreams with him where we were transporting the mermaid.

I was thinking about the dreams, and looking back, and I think...I think Morpheus might have been an angel and I think he was trying to tell me something, or warn me. Or maybe I've cracked at last. So when I had the dream about the ribbon I was pretty freaked out. It was the first dream in a long while, and if it is in the least bit prophetic like the last...I'm in trouble.

I talked to Kyle yesterday, we ended up patching things up slightly. I doubt there will be any more trouble between us. Not for the usual reasons, but because I don't think I'll ever see him to be honest. There will be no opportunity.

I feel overwhelmed for some reason, depressed, but when I take a moment to myself I can't seem to get the thoughts straight.

Might as well use it.
xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
I don't know if its my eyesight or what, but I've been losing focus a lot more often. I don't think its my eyesight, the biggest reason being that I immedietly start to daydream and its becoming harder and harder to snap out of.

What's worse is that it doesn't happen when I'm sitting doing nothing, its started to happen when I'm out walking around and doing stuff. Of course when it happens and I'm sitting down I feel like I need to not only close my eyes, but also need to shake myself out of it.

On another note, Morpheus came back. For some reason I still have long hair in my dreams.
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
None with Morpheus, but even having a dream at this point is comforting. I fell asleep around 3 or 4 and the dream was enough to wake me up.

I was at a rummage sale of some sort in an old house, there are tables around the edges of each of the rooms and they are covered in clothes that I'm supposed to be looking through. Snowflake, a cat we had when I was growing up is there with me. Suddenly I look at my phone and I have an FB message that a teenager in Texas, a boy named Alice (yeah) committed suicide. Well I immediately panic and call his girlfriend, but I can't get through.

So I woke up and gave my friend Shelby a text, she has a girlfriend named Alice. Apparently my dreams can't comprehend relationships outside of the boy+girl, so when faced with a girl+girl it overloaded. Alice is fine, but I'm still slightly worried, especially after the dream I had before the break-in with Morpheus.

So I went back to sleep.

We're playing some sort of treasure hunting game. We're looking for three rings. The first has two stones, one red and the other yellow; the next has two stones, one blue and the other green; and the third is just a white stone. So I'm not really taking part in the hunt, but I still manage to find the blue and green one inside a clock during a party. So I put the ring on and I can immediatly control water and talk to animals, which for the location is actually pretty handy. I and a bunch of random people were in a jungle-type setting with a large bungalo in the middle. So I am able to talk to animals and scale through the minecrafty-jungle with the help of the animals.

Sooner or later I piss someone off. Or at least I thought I had at the time. There's suddenly a bounty on my head and a couple other people who are exploring with me are in trouble as well. The thing is tho, the bounty was on my head before people realized that the ring in the clock was missing, so it had nothing to do with that. We escape to a run down leaky tin cottage, and in the corner are these rags covered in water or some weird watery substance, and anything covered by them becomes invisible! Well thats well and good except for the fact that I need at least two to cover me. The other two that were with me are caught, and i immediatly cover myself with the rags and crawl under the stairs to hide.

If doesn't work for long and I am found out by my foot. The person hunting me pulls me up to sit on the stairs and I just start crying like I'm going to die, I actually already knew I wasn't going to, but that didn't stop me from giving him the ring and asking him to make sure that the others who were looking for it never found it.

I don't really know what to make of them, of course I never did in the first place. I wonder if they'll become interactive and reoccuring again.
xhesika: (Default)
The first week we were here was taken up mostly by the trip up to Oscoda, which I did take many nice nature-y pictures which I will have to upload onto FB or put in an LJ cut. The picture quality on my new phone is much nicer than the last I had (which I did expect), but what made my day was the fact that despite us forgetting the internet MiFi verizon adapter, I still had internet wherever I got a cell phone signal, so I was able to keep in touch with people through texts.

I got my fishing license, I caught a fish, I learned how to clean a fish, but we couldn't eat them because they had lots and lots of worms. I also shot of a few guns, and I decided that my aim is terrible and I need something with little to no kickback, or a LOT of aim practice.

The night before last we managed to get Ryan over here for the night because Robbie needed to stay up to get his schedule back on track for work. Robbie fell asleep several times, but Ryan and I stayed up the whole night playing games. I also got re-situated with a copy of the Sims 2, which will be a nice outlet for a while (I'll get to why in a few).

So Ryan is grounded, and after talking with him for a little I'm actually more surprised that he isn't more grounded. He has a lot of self control for having to deal with everything that is going on with him right now, I don't think his dad really sees it, but I'm not a parent and I have no right to say anything really, but I do think that if Rick and Teresa knew what was going on they would have a lot more to say to their other children.

So about the MiFi really quick. It has a limit on kB/sec. MEANING, I can't skype call, I can't torrent, and I can't LiveStream here. In order to do any of those I need to go to Rick and Teresa's (who have wonderful internet BTW) and I feel rather awkward to go there and pull out my lappy. But w/e. Robbie has talked to his dad about adding internet onto his coverage and paying the difference, the problem is that it's satellite and will probably be buggy, but it's something.

About yesterday, being unemployed has started to set in, and me, with my already quite obvious issue with being useful, started to feel like crap...to the point where I wore myself out crying and then cried myself to sleep. It doesn't help that any of the things that I used to do to get myself out of a rut were impossible to do. And I'm getting teary just now thinking about it. There's no tea salons, no Samm to run around with, no skyping, I am feeling trapped. And to top it off I'm dreaming again. But no dreams with Morpheus, that might have been a comfort, I get the strange cryptic kind.

Of course regardless of the fact that I spent the last year and a half taking care of crazy patients and families of people who were dying, I am apparently not considered experienced in customer service and retail, so any job I apply for I don't have much hope in getting. This of course hasn't stopped me from applying anywhere I can. I really did have my eyes set on the new Charming Charlie, but I doubt I'll get a call from them. I just have to wait for some kind of response.

Robbie did have a good first day at work, he got out on time regardless of them being understaffed by 3 people, and said that the labor was handled much differently than it was in C-Bus. His shift isn't forced to do the work of the other shifts, and if they are running short the management isn't worried about conditioning to give the illusion of the shelves being full, they just want the product up there. So Robbie came home laughing and we talked for a while and then I looked at the clock (which at the time read 730 or so) and I told him that the people in C-Bus were probably still hard at work.

I just want a job, something to occupy myself with. Sims 2 will get old quick. I think I may pull out my paints and canvas today. We're supposed to go meet with the owner of the small grocery store down the street today, hopefully that will bring some good news.
xhesika: (changed my mind)
I seem to be having a lot of dreams about trees lately.

Last night, or yesterday (I was feeling depressed and ended up sleeping about 18 hours), I dreamt that I was in a house that was very cluttered. It was a school of sorts? Or a camp or something. There were a bunch of other girls with me.

I was collecting things, pairs of things, I vividly remember trying to collect the pair to my gray knee-highs, which I coincidentally had fallen asleep in. I found it and I was telling one of the girls, "I'm sorry I really need to go."

I take my suitcase full of my pairs of things (socks, jeans, mostly different items of clothing) and I go into the woods and I walk until I find a tree that has stairs going from the base to the top in a spiral all around the trunk. I go up the stairs and at the top there is a room/house where I am going to live.

Still no Morpheus, but I don't think he is coming back. It was interesting while it lasted.
xhesika: (Default)
I had a strange dream last night, it was one of the more vivid that I had  in a long time.

I had Persephone, and she followed me everywhere, per usual, and there was one other pet...a narwhal. a unicorn dolphin. that I kept in a small pond out back in my mini golf court.


So i get in trouble with PETA because the narwhal living conditions are not "up to code", they leave and the narwhal is all like, "I don't mind bro." and I am of course shocked because, holy shit its a narwhal, and holy shit its a talking narwhal. The narwhal gives me a map.

So suddenly I have groupies, a lot of people who want to go on this hunt for the treasure at the end of the map. So into the woods we go, I've got the map, and we make our way through a series of hollow trees to scale up and down the various levels of forest.

At the end is a big tree, sort of half there and hollowed out, and in the middle of it are two bundles of wood. I want to open the right one, but everyone else picks up the left one first and it FUCKING ATTACKS THEM.

But I'm cool with this and their all screaming and carrying on and I go and open up the right one. Inside is a blue binder shut with lots of red tape.

By this time the bundle of wood has stopped attacking the others, but they aren't trying to get my treasure, they're done snatching my shit.

When I finally get it open i see all these items that have had holes punched into them so that they could be stored inside. A book of dream symbols, a full deck of tarot cards, and all sorts of different small books on wicca.

no morpheus.


Jul. 28th, 2011 01:13 pm
xhesika: (Slam)
I've set out the sequel ideas for Ritzko, and I think I actually like where it's going.

1st Installment -- The Final Commission of Bastian Freeman -- written

Bastian takes on a job that may be too much for him to handle and ends up in deeper trouble than he realizes, from the POV of Bastian Freeman.

2nd Installment -- From the Desk of Detective David Johnson -- in progress

The events from Bastian's initial disappearance to when Jenna is adopted, from the POV of David Johnson.

3rd Installment -- Gale DeWinter's Army -- planned

After Jenna's adoption, Gale and Ritz easily keep their involvement in Bastian's disappearance from Jenna, but the rest of the clan is cryptic, Gale begins to doubt Ritz, from the POV of Gale DeWinter.

(totally can't wait to write all the flapper goodness Paris flashbacks)

4th Installment -- Unmasking Ritz --planned

7 years after Bastian's disappearance, Jenna inherits everything her brother has left her and begins an investigation of her own, from the POV of Jenna Freeman

Here's the challenge for myself: the first book runs 50~51k words and just under 200 pages, I am going to limit myself and make an attempt to make each book as uniform in size as possible, while keeping the same writing style for each of them. All will be written like you're inside the narrator's head, and all of them will have unique personalities. I'm excited for the project, and slightly leery of the challenge, but, hey, I wrote the original in 10 days, should be a snap, right?

I dream when I write.
xhesika: (tealfashion)
It was the last dream I had with him in it that I am certain it was him:

It was an obstacle course of sorts, we were rushing through a sort of underground tunnel with a handful of wooden stakes that we were pushing into holes in the ground. almost like a mine shaft really. we come across a wild pig of sorts, and his first argument is that it's dangerous and needs to be killed, but i want it as a pet, so he allows me to take it in, and we finish the race in 2nd or 3rd place. i don't remember which.

Then, one I had before the break in:

I feel asleep very briefly, and I was being attacked by a monster. a zombie looking thing was trying to eat me, and Morpheus was rushing over and screaming for me to wake up, trying to pry her off of me.

He looked just like Van Dean. I woke up and after that I didn't have a dream with him in it. I almost worry that he got hurt? They're only dreams though, but I still have to wonder. He didn't show up for any of my nightmares in the past week, he might have been there for all i know, he's taken other forms before, and now that I think about it I really do think he was there, just choosing not to make himself known.

The most recent:

A man covered in a burlap robe has two brown paper bags, and is in my back yard. He beckons me over and I look into one of the bags and there's penny! I pick her up out of it in a fit of smiles and laughs and snuggle her close.

I think that was Morpheus. I haven't dreamt since.
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
I went to visit the friend's father. It was random happenstance. We usually visit him when we have an issue with the car, or if we're going to our chinese place (really I hang out with him more than I do the old friend). He's doing well, but I can't help but think he's forced into a lot of things he really shouldn't be. Seems almost like apathy is thrust upon him. Of three children, all of which ought to have their own places, only one is moved out and I wouldn't even call it that for certain. The oldest son is the only one who doesn't live there, but his three children spend most of their time there.

He's in the process of getting a new house despite renovating the one he's in now, its looking nice, the kitchens is all hand crafted cabinets and is gorgeous, but I have to wonder if its what he really wants or if its what he feels forced to do.

TBH I feel like his other two kids need to move the fuck out and let him and his wife have some time without them.

I think if he lost everything he would simply do his normal sigh and hang his head before going to the front porch for a cigarette. Then again, I've never seen him pushed to the edge, I don't think he has an edge, I think it might have been ground down by his wife.

Still I walked through the house almost apprehensive of it, worried that any moment the lights would flicker and when they returned the house would be ransacked. My imagination runs away with my paranoia.

Morpheus worries for nothing, he wouldn't hurt me, and he's never become that.

Wow, this is a judgmental entry.


May. 29th, 2011 08:38 am
xhesika: (changed my mind)
Morpheus and I are outside a friend's house. Not a close friend, well not close anymore, I'm closer to her father than anyone else anymore. But we're outside the house and across the street looking at it and it looks old and torn apart.

Morpheus tells me that it's had a series of break-ins over the past week, literally one every five to ten minutes (you'd think there would be nothing left to steal). So with this in mind, guess where we go?

The door is open when we go to it, and the family is there, but they haven't been staying there for very long periods of time at once. One of the sons says that they've been staying at his apartment. I don't even know where my friend is at this point, or her mother, all I see is the two boys, the father, and Morpheus beside me.

The father is sitting in the corner, looking broken, and staring into a small computer mouse in his hands.

I was going to go over to him to comfort him, but Morpheus holds my arm tight and keeps me back, "He's lost everything, he'll quickly snap."

And sure enough he does, and when he snaps I can no longer find the boys, it's just me and Morpheus in the room with a man that looks almost rabid.

I swear, I didn't touch my copy of Inferno before I went to bed. I've been immersed in Lolita for the past few days.
xhesika: (Default)
Immediately following my mood swing this morning, I cut my hair.

Well just the front, the back still comes to below my waist, but I did trim the ends thoroughly.

So I've got some posh-katy-perry-ish thing going on which I'm pulling out my headband collection for, and I went to Charming Charlie and nearly died. That place is HEAVEN! SO gorgeous and shiny! I picked up a few headbands from there.

I need to open up a little, I find myself too timid most of the time, I need to just throw myself out there.

I also probably need to see a therapist. With all the dreams and everything going on right now as far as my frustration with work I think a checkup on my mental health wouldn't hurt. ESPECIALLY with the dreams. Morpheus is not letting up.
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
I wish I knew what mixture of food and rapture bullshit incited this dream:

Morpheus is pulling me along, there's a field next to a highway and along the highway--in nothing but a leather bra and underwear is Lady GaGa, dancing and singing her heart out.

Me: "Is that--?"

Morpheus: "Hay! We're over here!"

So GaGa sees Morpheus and apparently they know eachother.

GaGa: "Take your clothes off, its liberating!"

Me: "Uhm...we're along the highway."

Morpheus takes off his shirt at this point, and smiles at me.

GaGa: "Sometimes you have to just go for it!"

Of course I did eventually take off my clothes and joined GaGa and Morpheus, and it was glorious.
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
So apparently Morpheus knows GaGa.

And it was glorious.
xhesika: (jazz hands!)
Me: "I've learned to just smile and nod to the crazies, so if I seem to just agree simply with what you say please don't take offense."
Morpheus: "..."
Me: "Oh wait. That's backwards, isn't it?"
Morpheus: "I don't know how to take that statement."
Me: "Articulate, aren't I?"
Morpheus: " More like cryptic."
xhesika: (Default)
I wish I could write chapters and chapters of snuggly fluffy goodness between Kamen and Artemis like in the silver book, and I'm noticing it much more now that I've gotten into all the Haven scenes...well the ones where they're not running for their lives. I'm one chapter from the end of Book 1, and I just know things aren't going to be this adorable when Victor and Nancy get into the picture.

Still needs work )

PSSST. Also. Morpheus needs to understand that gifts in dreams don't cross over into the waking. Had another dream last night.
xhesika: (Default)
...I've been working my way into a depression. I can't seem to shake it no matter how many times Cee Lo Green says Fuck You.

Normally I don't pay it any attention when I get these bouts, but when I actually sit and think about it, its always there.

Samm says, "Finish Artemis." Kyle says, "Finish Artemis." Now I have Kat saying, "Finish Artemis."

It used to be that I thought Morpheus would stop the visits if I finished, but that isn't the case at all it seems.

I'm nearing the final chapter of Book 1, and I have all of Book 2 to write before the story is over for  the reader (Book 3 will never be seen by the public), and while I have a ways to go I'm feeling almost broken.

I have a problem.

I feel like if I do finish Artemis I will be useless, no other story really entrances me.

And these thoughts take me to very dark places.

I need to take a walk.

xhesika: (Caspius Van Dean)
I tear up every time I read this over, the images are vivid.

“How fitting!” Nora gave a weak laugh to the hand now positioned over her heart, “That I would not perish at the hand of my husband when he wanted to take advantage of my gift.” She let her head fall back onto Van Dean’s chest, glancing up at the eyes that she had never before personally witnessed, “Nor the spirits of Jannah looking to take me into a tree of my own.” Her eyes warmed with a honeyed fire of their own, “But that the demon that covets my little Orla will tear out the seat of my emotions. The essence of my life.” She laughed again, her eyes beginning to well with tears that would become caught on her eyelashes and fly out into the air when she blinked, “I am not afraid. Never afraid, and I turn boldly to my end.” Her voice hardened, “You are a fool, Caspius Van Dean.” Van Dean’s fingers tore into her chest with ease, cutting and tearing flesh and bone as if they were butter, but Nora Sybil’s screams were more surprised than pained, “Ah! Ah, sleep. Perhaps I’ll dream?”
xhesika: (cereal)
The other night I came close to a sex dream. Now Morpheus is all butt-hurt over me saying no. Of course they're just dreams so I'm not all that bothered, except that I think I've come close before and stopped it.

So I'm constantly shooting down the guy in my dreams.

Then there's also the thing where I keep thinking that the relationship is strictly platonic-friend-type, but I know he's kissed me before in the dreams.

So I'm constantly shooting down the guy in my dreams.

The Batman dream still makes me giggle.


xhesika: (Default)

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