xhesika: (Default)
Gale excerpts below, trigger warnings: blood, gore, vivisection, abuse, necromancy, I'm going to go ahead and say sexual content as well since some of the descriptions get pretty racy.

The relationship between Gale and Ritz has a nice start, but it quickly becomes...unhealthy, I'm just waiting to be ridiculed for writing this book.

To make it worse my mind has been in very dark places during the entire month of November because of this, I am seriously reconsidering my December endeavor.

Here we go... )
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
Over 11k and still going up, I'm weighing the best way to go about a book like this. I don't think I've ever read a book written from the perspective of the villain where they didn't repent or die by the end.

Belladonna )
In the meantime I press on with NaNoWriMo, I'm a few days ahead, but I don't want to fall behind at all. The trouble is that with what I'm writing I'm having to be very picky with my word choice to make sure that everything falls into plan.

Today was lovely though, and it's not over yet. Robbie left to go further south to see friends and I spent the day with Samm. I have eaten so much sushi down here I'm happier than a kitty.

In other news KiKi is beautiful and her tail is as fluffy as she is wide, I almost want to steal her.
xhesika: (cooking gaga)
Gale wasn’t interested in leaving the house before Keane and the police arrived, he instead pulled up a chair and sat to the right of Mr. Crawley’s corpse, cigarette in hand, cat in his lap, and sniffing the air curiously every so often. I didn’t stick around to ask him what details his nose was picking up, while he wasn’t bothered with the smell of rotting flesh, I had to rush out of the house for fresh air and the first cigarette in half a month.

Its bad enough scouring the internet for “Necromancy 101”, but its worse when all these sites are citing resources that are in my own library.

I’m going to have to tone down some of the details in the chapters I’m working on, either that or put trigger warnings on them.

Even worse, I’ve been snacking the whole time I’ve been writing.


xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
Robbie took me for coffee this morning, then we drove around.

We went looking at houses mostly, the nice ones, big houses that you'd like to fill for Christmas.

I don't know what happened. It never happened before, but I started feeling absolutely terrible, achy throat and welled up eyes terrible, and at first I didn't know what was wrong, at first I didn't understand why I was so upset all of a sudden doing something I used to like. I broke down once or twice, Robbie was completely confused, and I know I cry a lot these days and he's probably seen more than his share of it.

I talked about my grandparents a little. Memories of things we used to do when I was little and they had the house in Findlay.  Stargazing with my grandma. My grandpa's very recent stroke, that made me cry again.

Eventually I understood why I was so upset over the houses. Before, no matter how extravagant it was, nothing seemed out of reach. Not a million dollar home, not the world, anything was possible. Now I don't feel that hope, and no matter how many times I told myself, "finish writing your books, finish editing, get back on track" nothing seemed to help.

When I did figure out what made me upset, Robbie had me tell him, and I think he liked the reason even less than me actually crying.

I think I may actually need an anti-depressant of some sort. I may need to actually seek help about this, because I can't seem to pull myself out of this. I just keep snuggling up in bed and crying over sections of Artemis.

I think right now it helps even less that Robbie keeps throwing out completely Covington phrases.
xhesika: (hero)
I finally talked with Robbie about how I had been feeling, I know he didn't want to hear it. I'm sure he hated it more when I told him that I had been thinking about it for awhile, and to tell the truth I'm still thinking about it.

I apped for a job at Meijers, its all I really could do at this point. I've gotten zero callbacks from the places I apped, and the place that Robbie's dad assured us would be a "sure thing" fell through completely.

The truth is that I'm feeling completely defeated. Feelings that I haven't felt in years.

My parents and Samm are coming up this Wednesday, and I just know that Samm is going to take one look and ask how I manage to live here. To tell the truth I don't know. Every bit of this place kills me.

I hate that I'm going to have to have another talk with Robbie.

And I hate that it seems like it just took one thing to make me feel terrible about everything. I feel completely unwelcome, and I realize I'm only here for Robbie.

The Move

Jul. 30th, 2011 12:03 am
xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
They will be here tomorrow by 11a supposedly to help us get everything packed into the van.

I have this irrational fear that I will die away from my bright city life, but I think it would be worse away from Robbie. Just got to hang in there and figure something out, got to get my shit in print and open up my options.

Ready or not, here I come.
xhesika: (cereal)
...but am too nice to tell them to STFU.

While this actually includes a lot of my current co-workers--a rather large lot actually--I'm talking about the mother of one of my childhood friends. We never really hit it off and the bad foot was set in stone by a dinner discussion when I was over at the house at a much younger age than now. She basically sat at the dinner table, laughed, and called my beliefs stupid. Mind you the belief was purely based on my irrational fear of needles and I was dead set to never get my hepatitis shots. I have since then gotten them, just because of the line of work I have gotten into with the past year and a half, but the fact that she would react that way to an impressionable child...whatisthisidonteven.

Speaking of, Kyle has tried to get in touch with me on more than once occasion within the past week. I guess he's finally realizing who his friends were. Too bad he's already treated everyone like shit and now no one will give him the time of day. I wonder if he noticed me avidly deleting his comments from my page? His call was certainly one of the few I make sure to screen on my phone.

I would like to invite anyone and everyone to watch my life if I should ever have children. As my friend Kory pointed out as we were skyping while I took care of Tammi's youngest (Landyn), my parenting is going to be David Bowie and Labyrinth at 2 am; poptarts, chips, and pink lemonade at 3 am, and if you sneeze/cough shake it off, and as always, if you don't make the international sign for choking I will not save you.

Well maybe not the last part for kids under 18, but the rest of you can fuck yourselves.

...I'm doing so much better at being a bitch, right?
xhesika: (tealfashion)
Was nothing short of a nightmare, and it looks like its going to bleed into this week.

My house was broken into on the 21st, my family was out of the state for that whole week. The computers were stolen and even though they decided to tear out the speakers, headphones, keyboards, and microphones, they decided that they should just take all the jump drives that had Artemis saved on them. I still have Ritzko, I suppose that's a blessing in disguise. Luckily I had emailed most of Artemis Book 1 to myself to read at work, so I will only have to rewrite the last chapter and the afterword.

I managed to get through work without breaking down in front of my coworkers, but to tell the truth I did have a patient that I found crying at 5 am and I ended up sitting with him and bawling my eyes out right next to him.

My boss has been amazing through everything, however I haven't told her yet that Robbie and I do plan on moving back to Michigan. We're waiting on his job to transfer and we've worked the budget to allow us to live on his salary alone for as long as we need to (while I'm unemployed). I have only told one of my coworkers what happened, and only because she had her house broken into last summer and I felt was the only one who really understood what I was going through. The others know nothing, and I don't plan on telling them anything until I leave, if then.

I stayed at Tammi's house one night, I'll probably do a lot of crashing there this coming week, what was a 6-day stretch of time off has become an 8-day stretch because guess what? To top off the week, Robbie's grandmother passed this morning around 4, and the worst part is that I don't have the strength to cry anymore, even when something really warrants tears. I know how close he was to her, when he said she was back in the hospital with her usual UTI CHF, I figured she would be right as rain and back home when we moved up there. So I work tonight and took vacation for the next two days. Hopefully I can pick up some time around the hospital in the stretch to save up money.

Penelope is still missing, and her sister is all out stressed and lonely now. She cries a lot, can't keep down food, I'm worried about the both of them. So we're taking Persephone up to Michigan with us for the funeral because we don't want to leave her alone for too long, she snuggled up to me for most of last night. I have faith still that we will find Penny, the biggest reason being that we have posters all over the damn place that offer a reward of $100 for her return, along with a picture of her. To be honest, she should be easy to spot, her fur is longer than any other stray, and her coloring is rather unique. It makes me feel better when I see people I've never met combing the area for her, calling out for her, $100 is a small price to pay for her if it gets her home. I know Robbie is lonely without her.

One of the only good things that happened this past week was when my sister came home from vacation and set right all of the mess between me and my parents, she then proceeded to buy me a new laptop, which I am typing this on right now. I'm in the midst of recovering my lost music, but it looks like I may have to wait a bit to get my Sailor Moon replaced, which kinda sucks because I could really use a good laugh right about now. Artemis Book 1 is in its own little folder on here, but I haven't put much work into finishing it yet. I'm still a little numb from the whole experience.

I guess I should start getting cleaned up for work? I have a few hours still, but there is packing to be done if I plan on leaving in the morning for Michigan for the funeral.
xhesika: (Default)
The house was robbed and they took my computer and flash drive.

I came home ALONE to everything gone and turned up-side-down. I have the first 50 chapters on my e-mail, but unless by some miracle we find they tossed a drive somewhere...I will either give up on Artemis or start the last 25 chapters from scratch. I don't even know right now.

To top it off one of the cats got out, she's still missing, and she's afraid of everything.

I'm at my parent's right now, they're away on a family vacation, and when I called them to ask them for help, I was met with no support at all. After talking with Robbie we decided that the best thing to do would be to save up enough to get us back to Michigan with his family. They immediately offered us a place to stay while we got back to our feet. Robbie is working on getting his job transferred, I would be starting from scratch with my school loans to pay...of course he keeps telling me that he'll support me for as long as he has to, even if I never go back to work.

All the sweet things make me cry even more.

At least I get internet on my phone, so my email is raintree.willow@gmail.com, my phone number is 614-580-4551. Text, call, email. It makes me even sadder that most of the people that I've been there for here aren't there for me. I'm lucky to have friends who live far away that I email, who listen to me, but I don't think I'll ever stop crying.

I feel like I'm living that moment of coming home over and over again.

Don't comment on here, I won't be checking my LJ for a LONG while.
xhesika: (Default)
Immediately following my mood swing this morning, I cut my hair.

Well just the front, the back still comes to below my waist, but I did trim the ends thoroughly.

So I've got some posh-katy-perry-ish thing going on which I'm pulling out my headband collection for, and I went to Charming Charlie and nearly died. That place is HEAVEN! SO gorgeous and shiny! I picked up a few headbands from there.

I need to open up a little, I find myself too timid most of the time, I need to just throw myself out there.

I also probably need to see a therapist. With all the dreams and everything going on right now as far as my frustration with work I think a checkup on my mental health wouldn't hurt. ESPECIALLY with the dreams. Morpheus is not letting up.
xhesika: (changed my mind)
I really hate my mood swings.

I hate even more that this week hasn't been all that great and I can easily blame two people in particular for it. Neither are Robbie, he's been wonderful, as usual.

I'm tired of people with no respect for anyone. And I'm tired of giving respect to those who don't deserve it. And I'm even more tired of getting hurt every single time, as if I can't work up some sort of immunity to it.

And I hate that rather than get angry I just get sad, just teary sad.''

There are a lot of things I need to discuss with Robbie, things I've never told him, I don't know how he'll react, but I feel like he needs to know. I owe it to him to tell him my plans.

Zombies

May. 20th, 2011 11:53 pm
xhesika: (RedBaron)
Rob: "So my first manager called me and asked me to come in and I explained that I'm out of state and unable to work like this. Then [his other boss] calls me--drunk off his ass--and tells me that they had to fire [the guy that threatened Robbie], AND two other people quit in the same night."
Me: "So how many people are there tonight?"
Rob: "Three, looks like the entire grocery staff is down to four total so I'm going to be getting a lot of overtime this week. Sorry if I seem tired this week."
Me: "It's okay, have fun tomorrow."
Rob: "Enjoy your zombie apocalypse."
Me: "I got the shotgun and a beer next to me."

I totally do, just for shits and giggles.

What? I like to be ridiculous sometimes.
xhesika: (Default)
...I've been working my way into a depression. I can't seem to shake it no matter how many times Cee Lo Green says Fuck You.

Normally I don't pay it any attention when I get these bouts, but when I actually sit and think about it, its always there.

Samm says, "Finish Artemis." Kyle says, "Finish Artemis." Now I have Kat saying, "Finish Artemis."

It used to be that I thought Morpheus would stop the visits if I finished, but that isn't the case at all it seems.

I'm nearing the final chapter of Book 1, and I have all of Book 2 to write before the story is over for  the reader (Book 3 will never be seen by the public), and while I have a ways to go I'm feeling almost broken.

I have a problem.

I feel like if I do finish Artemis I will be useless, no other story really entrances me.

And these thoughts take me to very dark places.

I need to take a walk.

xhesika: (Caspius Van Dean)
I don't know if I already posted this up here, I may have, but its a little more polished now, I'm darting around Chapter 50 and realizing that the story is just going to get depressing from this point on.

Also an interesting note: the "Haven" that Kamen keeps in order for the family and constantly offers to hide Artemis in, is referred to at least once as "Haven in Jannah". Jannah is the name of Celeste's forest, the center of which is said to contain the gates to the afterlife, making Jannah the forest of life and death. The reason why it was named "Jannah" in the first place is because it's an Arabic word for heaven. Heaven in the more Islamic sense, but its not so blatant a connection that any 13-year-old (who wasn't Muslim) could make, something that's become expected this far into the book.

<Insert Cool Title Here> )

aitai yo

Sep. 7th, 2010 08:22 am
xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
I admit when I first had the previously described dream the song faded quickly, but I could remember the tune. Now its gone completely and I think I may have heard something I shouldn't have. It was too perfect...well that and damn, I didn't know he could sing.

It wasn't just singing it was a more pained noise. Like the pull of a cello, or the way Death calls out for Elizabeth in the Takarazuka (I fangirl squee over the way he says her name every time, shit you not). Come inside, stay with me, something like that but much more enticing.

I felt nothing when I heard it, and by nothing I don't mean it didn't faze me, I mean it fazed me completely. The entire situation was glazed over and nothing mattered any more, no pain, nothing. Not even the fact that I was only in a gaga tee and underwear.

I think its the closest I've gotten to a naked dream. And it wasn't even kinky. FUCK.

Maybe its better that I've forgotten the tune. Maybe its a treat I should savor. Maybe I'll get it again.

I got so much writing done! I was excited to get to some of the fun stuff, hopefully I'll be able to post this chapter on DA by the end of the week, because it's looking like one I'm willing to show as an official excerpt.

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