xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
I don't know if its my eyesight or what, but I've been losing focus a lot more often. I don't think its my eyesight, the biggest reason being that I immedietly start to daydream and its becoming harder and harder to snap out of.

What's worse is that it doesn't happen when I'm sitting doing nothing, its started to happen when I'm out walking around and doing stuff. Of course when it happens and I'm sitting down I feel like I need to not only close my eyes, but also need to shake myself out of it.

On another note, Morpheus came back. For some reason I still have long hair in my dreams.
xhesika: (tealfashion)
Was nothing short of a nightmare, and it looks like its going to bleed into this week.

My house was broken into on the 21st, my family was out of the state for that whole week. The computers were stolen and even though they decided to tear out the speakers, headphones, keyboards, and microphones, they decided that they should just take all the jump drives that had Artemis saved on them. I still have Ritzko, I suppose that's a blessing in disguise. Luckily I had emailed most of Artemis Book 1 to myself to read at work, so I will only have to rewrite the last chapter and the afterword.

I managed to get through work without breaking down in front of my coworkers, but to tell the truth I did have a patient that I found crying at 5 am and I ended up sitting with him and bawling my eyes out right next to him.

My boss has been amazing through everything, however I haven't told her yet that Robbie and I do plan on moving back to Michigan. We're waiting on his job to transfer and we've worked the budget to allow us to live on his salary alone for as long as we need to (while I'm unemployed). I have only told one of my coworkers what happened, and only because she had her house broken into last summer and I felt was the only one who really understood what I was going through. The others know nothing, and I don't plan on telling them anything until I leave, if then.

I stayed at Tammi's house one night, I'll probably do a lot of crashing there this coming week, what was a 6-day stretch of time off has become an 8-day stretch because guess what? To top off the week, Robbie's grandmother passed this morning around 4, and the worst part is that I don't have the strength to cry anymore, even when something really warrants tears. I know how close he was to her, when he said she was back in the hospital with her usual UTI CHF, I figured she would be right as rain and back home when we moved up there. So I work tonight and took vacation for the next two days. Hopefully I can pick up some time around the hospital in the stretch to save up money.

Penelope is still missing, and her sister is all out stressed and lonely now. She cries a lot, can't keep down food, I'm worried about the both of them. So we're taking Persephone up to Michigan with us for the funeral because we don't want to leave her alone for too long, she snuggled up to me for most of last night. I have faith still that we will find Penny, the biggest reason being that we have posters all over the damn place that offer a reward of $100 for her return, along with a picture of her. To be honest, she should be easy to spot, her fur is longer than any other stray, and her coloring is rather unique. It makes me feel better when I see people I've never met combing the area for her, calling out for her, $100 is a small price to pay for her if it gets her home. I know Robbie is lonely without her.

One of the only good things that happened this past week was when my sister came home from vacation and set right all of the mess between me and my parents, she then proceeded to buy me a new laptop, which I am typing this on right now. I'm in the midst of recovering my lost music, but it looks like I may have to wait a bit to get my Sailor Moon replaced, which kinda sucks because I could really use a good laugh right about now. Artemis Book 1 is in its own little folder on here, but I haven't put much work into finishing it yet. I'm still a little numb from the whole experience.

I guess I should start getting cleaned up for work? I have a few hours still, but there is packing to be done if I plan on leaving in the morning for Michigan for the funeral.


May. 20th, 2011 11:53 pm
xhesika: (RedBaron)
Rob: "So my first manager called me and asked me to come in and I explained that I'm out of state and unable to work like this. Then [his other boss] calls me--drunk off his ass--and tells me that they had to fire [the guy that threatened Robbie], AND two other people quit in the same night."
Me: "So how many people are there tonight?"
Rob: "Three, looks like the entire grocery staff is down to four total so I'm going to be getting a lot of overtime this week. Sorry if I seem tired this week."
Me: "It's okay, have fun tomorrow."
Rob: "Enjoy your zombie apocalypse."
Me: "I got the shotgun and a beer next to me."

I totally do, just for shits and giggles.

What? I like to be ridiculous sometimes.

Good Dreams

Apr. 6th, 2011 06:38 am
xhesika: (changed my mind)
My meeting on Wednesday went well, of course then I got home exhausted because I hadn't slept yet, and immediately had another dream. Now they're coming faster and more often, but I'm not scared anymore. I think I just needed someone to tell me it wasn't malicious.

So there's that, and then there's the rest of it. While its nothing bad and I was told that there is apparently no evil spirit around me at all, the woman I talked to does NOT think that this is anyone who has crossed over, or even an angel. Still not afraid though, of course the three dreams that I've had since last Wednesday were the usual Sisyphean tasks, but they weren't anything that made me wake up crying. They were more the Captain Hook sort.

That being said, I don't think I'll be posting many more dreams online here, they've become a little too personal to just throw out there unless I find them either particularly amusing or revelatory. I'm quickly finding that whatever it is that is invading my dreams is quickly becoming a friend.
xhesika: (Caspius Van Dean)
Texting dream officially makes sense to me. If I'm getting to a point in the story where one of the character's dialogue makes me want to cry and throw up at the same time it only makes sense that they apologize profusely in a dream.

None of the dialogue between Van Dean and Artemis is in the excerpt below, but it gives you a pretty good idea what bargains they're making. I'm leery of putting much of anything up on DA, or LJ at this point. The material certainly isn't as graphic as Chapter 50, but its crude and grim. Then there's the whole scene coming up where Van Dean does an excellent job of showing how serious he is over everything and I need to be careful with it or it could turn into another missing chunk of pages

Quid Pro Quo )
xhesika: (Caspius Van Dean)
I really, really don't like how I'm looking ahead to what needs to happen still in Book One and trying to tell myself, "No, Van Dean wouldn't do something that despicable." Then come to the realization that "yes, yes he would."

I feel sick just thinking about it.

It rather goes hand in hand with the dream I had only two nights ago, where I was angry. Really angry, but I didn't know why, and I was getting text messages on my phone from Van Dean and they were all apologies, but I had a hard time swallowing them.

Jesus, even looking back over the old dialogue between Artemis and Van Dean makes me want to cry, I was going to take it out but it's too heart-wrenching to slash.
xhesika: (Caspius Van Dean)
Tons of excerpts in here, stuff that won't be posted on DA, but I think I may have posted a bit of one of the excerpts on a previous entry. I'm having a hard time making headway at this point, mostly because of the content, I can't seem to write one of the scenes without feeling sick, and although I do plan on omitting it from the final project (the chapters will jump from 49 to 51seamlessly and only someone paying close attention will notice), I do need to know what is said in order to make things work after March 0.

That being said, this is completely out of context, but heart-wrenching nonetheless:

"I’ll believe anything you tell me.”

“The sky is red.”

“And a beautiful shade.”

Playing around with the idea of Ambrosia, I've decided to push up Kamen finding the jar, and decided to actually show the discovery. Including a few bittersweet memories of Lillaine, and actually eating some of the poison himself (it isn't like it would effect him anyways.)

“It’s sweet, but not too sweet.” Artemis said with two fingers to her mouth, her eyes still searching the black waves. “It’s delicious, but disgusting at the same time. First it was stuck in my mouth, but then it moved down my throat, and I can feel it in my chest now. I feel heavy, like I’m stuck in a nightmare.” She looked at him, easily meeting his curious eyes, “What is that?”

Van Dean slowly shook his head, “I’ve never felt anything like that, I couldn’t say.”

Arrogant Kamen is someone I want to strangle a little, and I've been told others feel the same way, but it still feels good to give Van Dean a rival that he can't touch, especially with how things seem to be spiraling downwards. Artemis really seems to have become a pawn at this point in the story, and for all practical purposes she's not really doing anything except for going insane. To me this only seems to make the final action in book 1 more inevitable.

"I'll eat your heart." )

Somehow it seems like the roles of Kamen and Rei have become a little jumbled, once Kamen's got no reason to play nice with Van Dean he reverts to the Kamen from the original story, the guy playing hello kitty island adventure on a stake-out and panicking while sliding through Gorgosa on a rope into a death-march (jesus, were the original shenanigans really this wacky?). It works though, he melds perfectly with his Victor Covington persona, and becomes a little more gritty than the oath-bound tragic hero.

"You guys are stalkers." )

xhesika: (changed my mind)
I've been a little down lately. A lot of memories have made their way back to me; some bad, some bittersweet. To make things worse, I can't really work on Artemis like this, my nightmares would get worse. I'm officially to parts that are gruesome enough to be against LiveStream Policy. The events seem only slightly bitter at first, but then I get to thinking about what is going on in the story right now and I feel sick.

I remember the melody of the song from my dream a few months back now. The words are still a blur. And if I've had another dream since the last, I honestly couldn't say, but Robbie tells me I've woken up screaming and crying in the middle of the night a lot lately. I still can't really decipher the last one, but I'm still firm in my resolution to seek help if I get another one that wakes me up like that. I've still got the name of the woman in Pickerington that someone at work recommended. I can't even look at the Tiffany's at Easton without feeling sick. And Swavaroski is another story entirely.

Other than the nightmares, things are okay. I'm going over Ritzko a few times, mostly because when I changed it to first person certain places before my decision don't sound like Bastian. Its just not gritty enough, just needs more ebonics and rough language. Once that is done its going to a few other people for final proofing, then off to be published. It makes me proud, just looking at the giant stack of papers and thinking "I wrote that in less than 10 days and it kicks ass".

There's a large snowpocalypse hitting the midwest right now, and the water dmg is at an all-time high. Of course the landlord wouldn't listen last spring when I told them about it, I expect to get an earful once I tell them "well, it got worse", of course in all the time that my parents have had their house, I don't recall my landlords ever doing any work on this house. So I'm fairly certain the roof is much overdue.

But I'm sleepy now and since its five in the morning I suppose I could check the school closings to see if Samm is free today...closed, yup. Time for me to crash and rest up for later.
xhesika: (Caspius Van Dean)
It's chilling enough without knowing what is going to happen. I love the way I feel when I write.

The entire chapter 46, spoilers galore:

They always had a rivalry, Van Dean just didn't know it. )
xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
I haven't been to sleep yet, and I really don't want to either. It isn't that I'm not tired, I just spent ten minutes shuffling through my music because I wanted to listen to Goldfrapp and I couldn't remember where "G" was in the alphabet. I could listen to my dramatic reading of "My Immortal" and not lose and brain cells. I'm that fried right now.

I had come to the conclusion that I would wait a few weeks to see this psychic that was recommended, and I still plan to, but it's going to be harder to put off. Because I came to realize that I've been putting off sleep more and more every day, and I even pick up hours at work to avoid it. I started sleeping with a teddy bear again. And the worst of it is that in the past the dreams were more intense when it was that time of the month. Used to be that if I was off my period and Robbie was in bed beside me I could sleep easy, but the last few dreams broke all those hopes...

So its that time again. I feel like I'm going to fall face-first into my keyboard.

If I at least knew that they were nothing, just weird dreams, that would be enough. Every time I try to shrug them off they come back stronger.


Oct. 19th, 2010 10:13 am
xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
One of these days I need to record some of the conversations Kyle and I have while editing. I feel like I haven't laughed so hard in ages.

I feel like a chinese.

I have a shoe addiction. A bad one at that. I just ordered a couple new pairs, the pair I couldn't find at Wet Seal the other day and another that I wanted but was unable to find and ended up settling with another pair. I don't regret it at all now though, I officially have a pair of Haruka Tenou's (Sailor Uranus) boots in black! I didn't even realize until I got them home. They would be the only pair of shoes I've gotten from that store that seems to need an insole. Most of the time their pumps are VERY comfy, my red pair are awesome to spend the day in.

Hombre del Saco )

I love Garbage. Shirley Manson's voice is pure sex, but that guitar? Wow. Want moar.


Oct. 11th, 2010 11:47 pm
xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
I couldn't begin to describe all the strange things I've researched in working on Artemis. Diseases, hand bones, language of flowers, ice cream, aquariums/zoos, Jannah (Islamic Paradise), nitty-gritty details on fruit, weapons/firearms. All of these things just to make sure they existed in 1863 (I was sad that Kamen couldn't crack an Alice joke on Rei.) Sometimes it seems like a little much to delve into for a few moments of interest, but then again, it does give me something to smile about later.

When I was in kindergarden our teacher decided to show us this movie around Christmas, that was a variation of the Nutcracker. In my opinion the music for the ballet is waaaaaaay too overplayed, I much prefer Swan Lake. Every once in a while I would look for this movie but had no such luck until about an hour ago. Its a stop-animation, much like Santa Clause is Coming to Town (a few of the people who worked on that project had a hand in this), but it was done in Japan and got a few awards. The movie was released around 1980, and is cheesy, as badly done as most other stop-animation, and gritty.

The beginning two and a half minutes are what scared me, and from the comments on YouTube, it looks like it had similar effects.

Looks like an over-hyped boogyman, right? A rag man was basically a junk man who would travel around and ask people to trade their junk for things of value. Bones, scraps of fabric, and bits of metal, anything really. There's a VERY similar name for the Boogyman in many spanish-speaking countries, all of which mean "Sack Man".

Sack Man stories are all pretty much like the beginning animation for that movie. He collects bad children and throws them into his sack to eat. Seeing as how Hombre del Saco actually existed in the 16th and 17th centuries, its easily something Kamen can toss about.

Fuck this shit, I was terrified of the Rag Man when I was little. I still have this anal tendency with the blankets Robbie doesn't understand. Always up over my head but away from my nose so the Rag Man couldn't tickle me and wake me up.

EDIT: What a fucked up way to start a children's movie.

...I can't believe I'm downloading it now...


xhesika: (Default)

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