xhesika: (Default)

After today I think I'm going to set my alarm for midnight and hope that I wake up with more motivation.

But here's the thing, I saw that there was no food, but apparently its been like that for the past week, and today, I thought Robbie was going to have a panic attack. I had just enough money in the account to get some soda for lunches for the week and he made the comment, "sunkist and ramen, this brings back memories".

There was a full year where we had to live off of 25 dollars a month, it was unpleasant, and I never want to be that hungry ever again.

The thing is that we HAVE money, it just gets stashed away into savings.

So we ended up talking and decided that with no bread (seriously, there is less in the house to eat now than the year we went without, and there are 4 people here instead of 2...), things were not going to go well until Thursday, because despite the fact that we COULD live off of ramen and mac and cheese for a couple weeks...his parents were going to start hounding us for money. That and...well gas, if you can't get to work you can't make money.

I ended up pulling fifty from the savings, planning on just throwing double in later this week. Jesus, Robbie looked sad and panicky.

Of course his parents can never say we let them go hungry.

and of course after hearing what they ate last night...shared an apple and a slice of cheese? when you have ramen in the house?...i just don't know.


Jun. 8th, 2012 05:11 am
xhesika: (Default)
I really wish there were an easier way to be there for Robbie right now. He seems okay with everything that was talked about yesterday, but when he first learned about it he was upset for weeks. To be honest I'm probably more disgusted about it than he is, but he also remains calm a lot easier than I do.

And he makes it look so easy.

I'm really trying not to be a burden to him at this point. I'm an emotional wreck otherwise with everything that has hit the fan this week and the last, but I'm lucky that I've been able to talk to a couple of people tonight, they helped me sort my thoughts and get myself on the right track. I knew was what needed to be done in the first place, but I was apprehensive.

Still haven't called my parents. I think I'll wait for family vacation to burst into flames and die down first.
xhesika: (tealfashion)
Where to start.

Rob confronted his father about the family secret, very discreetly, and his father reiterated that it had happened a total of two times since. The last occurring in 2001...worse the eldest daughter was witness.

Things I heard from Robbie today...I still can't really sort my thoughts.

Surgery for his father could be as early as two weeks from now.
xhesika: (Utena)
List of adventures with Morpheus: running through a cathedral with flamethrowers destroying demons, saving a colony of people from a flood with my cats, discovering waterfall-y castle caves, carpet coats, the Black residence blackouts, swimming and dinner in the river styx, and a haunted house where we were trapped and running from demons.

So I don't really count my overly morbid dream as much out of the ordinary. Except the armor.

About a year ago, when the dreams were at their most frequent, I went to see a clairvoyant on the matter. She believed that I was either channeling someone else, making a connection with someone else through the astral, or was in fact being guided by the archangel Micheal.

I just had a chilling thought. Micheal wasn't known for his music, but I specifically remember Morpheus singing. I remember because I can just barely remember the tune and the words, but I can never remember it completely, just that it was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard.

I know too much about the angel choirs I think. My imagination is running away with me, and the stress of the time of year is getting to me.
xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
I did have a dream about Morpheus the other night.

I was in a country where I didn't speak the language, and the only one who could translate for me was untrustworthy. We would go to cafes for tea and the like and she would tell me double the amount then pocket the difference. I knew she was doing it, and my little purse became lighter and lighter.

Morpheus was at the small table beside me, in dark armor, and he leaned over to me while the girl was talking to the waiter. He told me that she was taking me for a ride. I told him I knew. He gave me a questioning look and I told him to wait and see where everything went.

My purse was soon empty and the girl went nuts, saying I should have had more, and then I stood from the table and reiterated everything: that I had caught her in a lie, that she was malicious and venomous.

And I bludgeoned her repeatedly, and Morpheus just sat back and drank his coffee.

So, nightmares.
xhesika: (Default)
My desktop is a homage to my last entry. Just a white background and the words "I CAN and I WILL", they seem to make me feel better when I see them.

So Robbie and I are being pestered about family vacation. Or rather Robbie is, I have said party on ignore so they can't get through to me. Basically they're pressing for Robbie and I to come, and while we could have gotten the time off, we're in a position currently that we can't. We've been in a bind since last june...

oh god, the anniversairy is coming up.

I can't.

I didn't even think of that.

I'm bitter about receiving no help, still bitter. I still have nightmares, and I still feel really insecure about the whole thing.

But as far as my family goes, the one year I brought Robbie to family vacation everything was good. We had been around to the various houses for dinner, everyone had met him, seemed to like him, and when we went to the vacation we really were only going to stay for a day, but my grandparents, and a couple aunts and uncles and cousins were asking us to stay.

We were going to, I mean, there were plenty of empty beds, Robbie and I wouldn't be sleeping together, but we were okay with that. Suddenly there were no beds. Or rather, the empty beds couldn't be used because one of my aunts was in that wing of the house. Yes, wing. Yes, the place was that big. She said I should sleep on the floor.

Yeah, I'm going to come to a family reunion where I'm welcome to sleep on the floor rather than a bed.

What a great impression to give Robbie. I haven't been to a single family event since with the exception of my cousin's wedding (the one she had annulled less than a year later). My grandparents are well aware of why I don't go, they're not happy about it, I've visited them once since, but not any more than that. My aunt Debbie is aware, she's not happy about it, I miss her.

The rest of the cousins? I don't really talk to them, and they don't talk to me. So when you get right down to it theres no relationship to re-kindle.

And now i can't stop crying about the anniversairy.

xhesika: (tealfashion)
I wish everything weren't so up in the air and I could pinpoint a few of said things.

Anyways, I figured out why I couldn't transfer a lot of my music to my ipod. Most of my music is in FLAC files. I actually do notice a difference. I transfered Parov Stelar - Monster as an mp3 to the ipod, played it, then listened to the FLAC on winamp... there is barely any bass in the mp3. That is what makes the song...

So it looks like Goldfrapp, the Veronicas, Vast, and Temposhark are too hot for my ipod?

Feeling a little better today, what I need to do however is just straight up block my family e-mails. Extended family, that shit is in no way shape or form helpful.

It's been a week since I had an actual conversation with my friend, I talked to her about what happened and got a lot off my chest, but still feel hurt, and somehow it waivers between better and worse every time I seem to turn around. I figured that I could just let myself cool for a bit and brush it under the rug quietly, but I just ended up blowing up. Still really hurts, but I've got a little peace of mind.

Robbie and I were talking about finances and the like, jeez, yesterday was busy. I was woken up early by legit shouting in the house, and not the normal, the angry sort from his mother to his father. Long story short, Robbie's pretty interested in getting out of here. He brought up the possibility of getting out of here before October...before August even. Its possible only with one factor, something I put no stock in for several reasons, it is based purely on someone I don't trust, but Robbie seems willing to fight for it.

I would like to be home before the rose gardens stop blooming.

I was talking with my friend Andrew about a few things that had happened this weekend, and one of them was the realization that even if I got back to where I was, it wouldn't be the same because I would be different. I'm really trying to pull myself out of this shell I seem to have put myself into. I really just don't feel right venting about everything to Samm, she's got a lot on her plate with classes, and I guess she got hired on as a camp councilor with the local community house, something that would look great on a social worker resume.

God, she'd love it if we moved before august. I haven't said anything. I want to put stock in it, but I'm so tired of disappointment I don't think I could take another one, and I don't want to get her hopes up.
xhesika: (Default)
There is really only one way to get to Robbie. Matt and I were talking about it this weekend, not what gets to Robbie, but how he's completely composed otherwise.

Neither of us really gets is...

Oh god, it's Kamen...

I digress. Not a lot gets to Robbie in a different way than myself, I remain calm but usually fall apart briefly later, Robbie just doesn't crack, ever. He's pretty much exactly what I need, I fall apart and he picks me up, puts me in bed, then grabs a lappy and some ice cream and we snuggle.

My room is situated in an area of the house where I can pretty much hear everything that is said on this floor perfectly, and it doesn't help at all that Rob's father is nearly deaf and speaks loudly anyways, and it certainly doesn't help that all of the major conversations are had in the kitchen, directly adjoined to my room (love snacks).

So its gotten to the point where I don't even try to hide from Robbie what I heard and when. This morning I wasn't really listening until I heard his dad say something about "not letting it go". Wasn't sure, didn't care a lot at the time, but I asked Robbie what was going on before he left to go help Matt and his dad.

Rob's dad is suing the guy who was renting his grandmother's house. I saw it coming. I knew. Then Robbie continued to tell me the details of what his father had said: the money would pay for his grandmother's unpaid hospital bills and her funeral.

The woman's late husband was a WWII vet, she had a guaranteed policy of life insurance. So I mentioned something to Robbie, "what do you mean pay for the funeral, she had life--"

He gave me one of those looks, shook his head, and walked into the kitchen.

So basically his dad lost the house, made this guy homeless, and is now suing him for several thousand dollars. I wonder what he did with the life insurance.

xhesika: (Utena)
So Matt is gone now, apparently the fifth of rum in the freezer is for us (ooooh), as well as two maverick nerf guns with over 40 rounds, so I am going to pull out the paints and steampunk the shit out of those guns.

Today is Robbie's day off and he came home snuggly and has plans laid out for the day:

1. Eat, because food is needed.
2. Shower, because water is fun.
3. Adventure Time marathon, because of reasons.
4. Possibly pizza, because I screwed up my personal budget and ended up 50+ for the week.
5. Park times, because sun is supposedly good for you (I don't buy it).
6. Kid times, maybe.

I've been sort of sitting in front of my lappy during my down time and unable to really push anything out. I don't really get it either, I want to move onto the story bits that are incoming. I'm getting into the Sibiu trip in Jenna, I can't wait to work up the horror for that, and I've started to prep Bastian for the second editing round, and that means I get to add in details and descriptions and play around with all of his narration.

I really like Bastian as a character.

Anywho, its almost time for number 2.


May. 21st, 2012 10:25 pm
xhesika: (She Won't Look at You)
Had a small breakdown with Robbie before I fell asleep for a nap, and feeling slightly better now.

No Matt anymore, he went slightly further north to spend some time with his parents.

Not sleepy really, but not in the mood to work, movies sound good though.
xhesika: (Default)
Glad that Matt has been here to keep my mind off of everything else.

Robbie and I got into a large argument earlier this week. Not even a legitimate argument, but its really the extent that we fight. Not going into details about it, for the most part its fixed right now. Then had a dream and saw Morpheus for the first time in months. Not even going into that dream. It was...violent, and he didn't even try to stop me.

Really, Matt's had so much bad luck with women that he's been venting most of the time, and I don't mind listening, but really its helping me keep my mind off of everything.

Comfest is either soon or over already. I miss the festivals. I'm once again worried that I won't make it, but not as urgently, or maybe I just don't feel as scared about it.

Samm was talking about coming up to see me for a week. I would like her to, but I don't know if I can handle it. I was surprised as it is that I was able to look at pictures of Anika's (Tammi's daughter) graduation from kindergarten without crying.
xhesika: (RedBaron)
I have been power-napping on and off for the past 3 days, because I haven't been able to lay down for more than 4 hours at a time.

Matt is in the state for the week and has been here since Friday.

I do not understand how he and Robbie just DON'T seem to need sleep. They're napping now, but dear god, how do you stay awake for that long? Robbie's been having to go to work for the past few nights, so he's been sleeping his normal hours (which baffle me as it is because of how little he sleeps already).

The days have been full of running around all over the place and spontaneous nerf-gun dart fights with the pulp fiction intro music. These fights have happened about 3 times already.

Now I am the only one awake and they are both asleep and I am bored. We're supposed to go to the park in 2 hours, if I can make it that long before going nuts from boredom.
xhesika: (Default)
She turned her head to smile at me, “Good evening, Bas-ti-an.”

I smiled at her. I didn't care if the way she said my name gave Johnson the creeps. I loved it.

“Evening.” I sat up and stretched, cracking my back in three different places.

Ritz let her head rest on my shoulder, “I have to go back tonight. This would be day two of no food for me.”

“You could come back here after.” She blinked at me like she didn’t understand what I had said for a moment, “The coven does fine without you. You could move in here and we’ll watch movies all night with Jenna, and stay in bed all day.”

“Oh, Bas-ti-an.” She closed her eyes for a second and sighed, “I need to eat sometime.”

I want to ship it, but I can't, I know too much.
xhesika: (Default)
How I felt when I had first finished writing book one of Artemis, before everything happened.

I'm so close to being to that point of completion with the Ritzko Project. I can't help but anticipate that delicious feeling.

Just gotta write this book.


May. 5th, 2012 08:31 am
xhesika: (bushbride)
Robbie: "I don't see how much further it can go, its obvious she's going to sign the contract."
Me: "It's got a twist ending."
Robbie: "I swear to god, Jessie, if you ruin this book for me..."
Me: "Is that incentive?"

I'm currently waiting for him to come back into the room from feeling too awkward about reading the book in front of his parents.

He's so cute flustered.

Da fuq...?

May. 4th, 2012 09:31 am
xhesika: (jazz hands!)
Finished the first book of the trilogy...

I'm impressed? I mean...

Spoilers )
In other news Robbie is reading it, not very fast, and sweetly remembered that I don't like the spines of my books broken. He asked me to show him how I wanted him to hold the book, luls.

Also about the last entry...

Something is brewing, I didn't think I had as much pull with people in C-Bus as I apparently do. It's Robbie though, it's all Robbie.

I don't feel like I'm being sort of pulled and prodded along.

I feel like I'm twisting arms here, and I'm really not trying to, and I really don't like this feeling.

xhesika: (hero)
My boss wants to promote me to a job that would pay 50k salaried. It is a great opportunity and I will probably end up taking it, but it would keep me in Michigan for another year.

I had a hard time getting through the night without falling apart, even when she spoke with me I felt like I was going to throw up, pass out, and god knows what else. Getting no sleep yesterday didn't help.

All plans for October...they're getting further away.

I'm going insane living here. The kicker is that the biggest reason why she wants me is because I don't take sides and have been pretty much the calmest and most professional person there...something I've been working hard at only because I don't want to get attached to people up here like I already am to people back home.

All I can think of right now is Zen Cha, when you open the door all the girls turn to you and croon "welcome", I don't think I'll ever hear that again. I don't think I'll ever go to the rose gardens at whetstone again. I don't think I'll ever get to go to Travonna at 2 am for coffee and live violinists again.

Worst, and probably very irrational, Samm. My sister. I was very attached to her, more than I knew, and its what hurts the most. We were going to all move in together in October...

I would feel bad not taking the job, because it would give me stability, something I DO miss, but I would be stuck here in a place that makes me wish I was dead.

I don't know. I think this has to be some sick joke the universe is playing on me. I give up, God exists, but he exists only to be an asshole, he can't just leave me the fuck alone. Just has to shatter every last bit of hope I have of leaving this place.

I take it back, there is a hell, I died last summer. I was home and they killed me. I'm in hell now.

xhesika: (RedBaron)
I ordered THREE books based on a New York Times bestseller list.

I read no reviews until they were on their happy-ass way to me.

Fifty Shades of Gray.

I am turning fifty shades of scarlet.

I think the worst part is that the author is capable. And NOT in the subject matter, but the writing style, she's got a nice writing style.

I'm not showing these to Rob any time soon.

So I bought all THREE volumes of this. And its well-written. And I have to read it now because I invested money in it. As of last weekend I was finally able to say that I have read every book I have ever ordered good or bad...after months of being halfway through the same book...

Rob will never see these. And I will read them and hide them away for years until my children find them in the basement and...never look at me the same way again.

xhesika: (tealfashion)
“No.” She said gravely, struggling to maintain a hard tone when her mouth wanted only to pout, and grasping the stairs behind her to stop from reaching out to embrace me, “You don’t understand because you have never gone through this. You were never human. You never had any humanity to lose. You devour people because it’s what you’ve always done.” Renée clenched her eyes shut, “Oh Gale, we’re going to hell.”
“There is no hell for us.”
“Then there is no salvation either.”
I did not reach out for her then, the bitter truth of what she had said sank in, that I did not know, that I would never know. My wife believed me to be a monster, and she hated herself for becoming like me.

Gale loves Ritz because she's the only one just as miserable as he is.

This book makes me all kinds of sad.
xhesika: (pic#1101391)
Whenever I chuckle to myself Robbie always has to check to make sure I'm not crying.

...bad memories.


xhesika: (Default)

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