Jun. 4th, 2012

xhesika: (Default)
My desktop is a homage to my last entry. Just a white background and the words "I CAN and I WILL", they seem to make me feel better when I see them.

So Robbie and I are being pestered about family vacation. Or rather Robbie is, I have said party on ignore so they can't get through to me. Basically they're pressing for Robbie and I to come, and while we could have gotten the time off, we're in a position currently that we can't. We've been in a bind since last june...

oh god, the anniversairy is coming up.

I can't.

I didn't even think of that.

I'm bitter about receiving no help, still bitter. I still have nightmares, and I still feel really insecure about the whole thing.

But as far as my family goes, the one year I brought Robbie to family vacation everything was good. We had been around to the various houses for dinner, everyone had met him, seemed to like him, and when we went to the vacation we really were only going to stay for a day, but my grandparents, and a couple aunts and uncles and cousins were asking us to stay.

We were going to, I mean, there were plenty of empty beds, Robbie and I wouldn't be sleeping together, but we were okay with that. Suddenly there were no beds. Or rather, the empty beds couldn't be used because one of my aunts was in that wing of the house. Yes, wing. Yes, the place was that big. She said I should sleep on the floor.

Yeah, I'm going to come to a family reunion where I'm welcome to sleep on the floor rather than a bed.

What a great impression to give Robbie. I haven't been to a single family event since with the exception of my cousin's wedding (the one she had annulled less than a year later). My grandparents are well aware of why I don't go, they're not happy about it, I've visited them once since, but not any more than that. My aunt Debbie is aware, she's not happy about it, I miss her.

The rest of the cousins? I don't really talk to them, and they don't talk to me. So when you get right down to it theres no relationship to re-kindle.

And now i can't stop crying about the anniversairy.

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xhesika

August 2012

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